Starting college is a big step in anybody’s life, no matter who you are. You might be living away from your family for the first time, moving to a city where you don’t know anybody, or studying something new.
But for members of the LGBTQ+ community, moving to college and adjusting to your new life can be even more difficult. You might be worried about making friends and being accepted by them, getting on with your roommate, or simply coming out to new people.
If you’ve recently started college, and you’re going through the process of settling in and starting to feel at home, here’s what you need to know. From roommate worries to finding support, here’s how to navigate college as a bi guy.
‘Coming out’ – who and when?
Some people virtually ‘meet’ the people they’ll be going to college with online before school starts – if you’re visibly ‘out’ as bi on social media and then you get talking to people who’ll be in the same classes as you in a Facebook group, for example, you might not have to come out to them in the typical sense.
Or, you might already know people who’ll be in the same classes as you, perhaps because you went to high school together. So, you might not need to ‘come out’, as such, if they’re already aware. It might be something that comes up in casual conversation.
For some people, going to college offers a chance to be themselves for the first time. If you weren’t out at home, or your family weren’t accepting of it, you might relish the increased freedom and distance at college.
If you weren’t out already, coming out (or not) is your decision entirely. If you’d rather your identity not find its way back to people at home, you might prefer to keep it quiet. Even if it’s only for the time being, until you begin to feel more comfortable at college. In an ideal world, we wouldn’t have to hide who we are, but in a practical sense, we can feel like it’s a good idea sometimes.
If you are already out back home or on social media, it’s up to you how to play it. You could let things come up in conversation naturally or tell new friends one-on-one or in small groups. It’s your call!
Dealing with roommates
One thing you might be considering is whether to disclose your identity to your roommate. When first applying, you might have explored gender-inclusive housing options or been able to specify that you’d like to room with another queer person – if you’d prefer to – when applying. Alternatively, your college may have allowed students to find roommates themselves or take part in a service that matches people up.
You’re under no obligation to come out to your roommate, but if you do, you may avoid an awkward conversation further down the line – particularly if you’re thinking of coming out to other people at college or you think a friend from home might mention something on social media.
More to the point, a lot of LGBTQ+ people would rather know if their roommate was homophobic. Who wants to share a room with someone who’s prejudiced toward their sexual orientation? In that situation, you may at least be able to make alternate arrangements.
Of course, if you’re worried about your safety should your roommate find out that you aren’t straight, coming out may not be the best idea. But, equally, they’re unlikely to be someone you want to room with. One option could be to wait for sexuality to come up in conversation – for example, if a celebrity comes out in the news – and gauge their reaction.
If you do experience conflict, speaking to supportive housing staff is a good first step to resolve the situation. If the people you speak to aren’t supportive, you can escalate things higher up in the housing office to ensure that you’re taken seriously.
Making new friends – and managing biphobia
In some ways, making friends is the same for everyone, regardless of sexuality. It’s very common to worry about making friends when you’re new to college, and it doesn’t help that people often talk about making the best friends of their lives there.
The only difference is that we can face homophobia and biphobia, so it can be tricky to know whether a new friend, or potential new friend, is someone we can trust. That said, you’ll meet so many people – whether in your classes, on sports teams, in clubs and societies, and just in the library or a coffee shop – that you’re very likely to find other students who you get on well with.
And, it’s statistically almost impossible to be the only LGBTQ+ person at college. Of course, there’s no guarantee that you’ll be friends with every other queer person you encounter – we’re all individuals – but it does mean that there’s a good chance you’ll find others to relate to.
There’s also a chance that you might encounter biphobia at college – even from new friends – and how you handle this is up to you. Even if you really want to make friends with someone or be accepted by them, you might regret letting biphobia slide further down the line. Is it worth putting up with it just for the sake of having friends, rather than calling it out or finding other people to hang out with?
Because college brings together people from all sorts of homes and backgrounds, there will be people who haven’t spent a lot of time with (at least, ‘out’) LGBTQ+ people before. So, even people who mean well may say things we know to be biphobic or homophobic without realising they’re inaccurate or without meaning to be malicious.
As always, it’s not your responsibility to educate them, but if you’d still like to be friends with them and you feel safe to do so, you could explain why their comments aren’t okay and even talk about your own experiences.
Addressing biphobia can be tricky, particularly if you don’t like conflict or feel worried about losing friends. If you’re not sure what to say, you could try beginning with one of the following, or adapt one to your own situation, maybe depending on how close you are to the person.
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“I know you didn’t mean it like that, but this sounds kind of biphobic and reinforces misconceptions about bi people – do you see where I’m coming from?”
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“The thing you said just then about bi people needing to ‘pick a side’ comes across as biphobic. What makes you think that?”
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“I don’t like jokes like that one. It’s based on biphobic stereotypes and makes me feel as though you don’t respect my identity.”
How about dating?
Dating in college can be a minefield no matter your sexuality. Some people prefer to focus on their studies, while others come to college already in relationships. Others will meet their long-term significant other at college, or simply date different people during their time at school.
You’ll meet potential dates and partners in the same way you’ll meet new friends. By joining clubs and groups and going to social events. Your partner might be into the same hobby as you, or be a friend of a friend you meet at a party one night. If you don’t want to date at college, that’s totally cool, but if you’re open to it, you may have to venture a little out of your comfort zone.
Our guide to navigating sex and relationships in college will help you out here, whether you’re looking for something more serious or casual. Just remember to prioritize your safety first and foremost. Safer sex is important regardless of your partner’s gender.
Your college should have sexual health resources including condoms, access to testing, and more, or you can find a clinic in your community. PrEP, or pre-exposure prophylaxis, helps prevent people from getting HIV, and you may be able to find a provider in your area. You can find out more information in our handy guide to PrEP, and if you’re in the US, the website Please PrEP Meexternal link, opens in a new tab will help you find a provider.
The usual advice still applies, too. You don’t need to feel obliged to come out to potential partners right away, you don’t need to put up with biphobia from partners of any gender, and you don’t need to ‘prove’ your bisexuality by dating people of all genders. It’s also sensible to let a friend or loved one know where you’re going when you head out on a date.
Where to find support
If you’re in need of support – maybe you’re finding adjusting to college tricky, you’d like to speak with someone in person about navigating it while bi, or you’re hoping to make some friends – there’s likely to be somewhere at college for you to go.
Some colleges are more LGBTQ+ friendly than others, and thus will have more support on hand for students who need it. Find out if your college has an LGBTQ+ resource center or any student-led groups or societies like queer-straight alliances. Your college may also provide counseling as part of its health plan.
Even if they don’t, you might still be able to find support on- or off-campus. If there are any LGBTQ+ clubs, for example, nearby, you could check them out, or look on social media or platforms like Meetup. Or, you might pass a member of your college’s student union wearing a rainbow lanyard or a flag pin badge, indicating they’re a safe person to approach.
If you’re going to meet people for the first time alone, however, it’s important to put your safety first and let someone you trust know where you’re going.
No two college experiences will be the same. Your experience at a college in a progressive city may differ from your friend’s experience of college somewhere more conservative, for example. We don’t know exactly what your college is like, or what your social circle looks like, but our advice still stands.
You aren’t alone – a lot of people at your college will be in the same boat. And, above all, nobody at college has it all figured out, even if it looks like they do. It might take until your second year for you to really feel at home or meet your people, and that’s okay.
