Is there anything more difficult than feeling like you don’t fit in? It’s natural to want to be part of a group and find people with similar interests, passions, and values, but it can be easier said than done.
I’ve often felt this way. While I’ve had various friends throughout my childhood and into university and beyond, I never had one of those huge, close-knit friend groups you often see in movies and teen dramas, and I haven’t always felt at home in large groups, either. Often, I prefer hanging out one-on-one or in groups of three.
Being a bi guy, I feel out of place in some environments, too – like male-dominated spaces. Take soccer – it’s my favorite sport to follow, but when watching a game, I sometimes feel like I can’t truly relax and feel comfortable. Subconsciously, I’m trying to present myself as more overtly masculine, and I feel on edge, as though I’m just waiting for someone to make a casually homophobic comment about one of the players or the referee.
But it’s not just these more masculine environments that can make me feel a little awkward. I’m in a straight-passing relationship – both me and my girlfriend are bi – but I’m aware of my privilege as a cisgender white bi man, and I sometimes don’t feel as though I truly fit in in queer spaces as a result. I feel more like I’m taking up space, even though I know that my sexuality is valid, and sometimes worry that other people might not feel comfortable with my presence.
We’ve been to pride events together, and I feel like we come across as allies rather than part of the LGBTQ+ community ourselves, and I sometimes feel like I’m viewed as the ‘straight boyfriend’ who’s tagging along.
All this leads me to feel somewhat caught in the middle between the two parts of me.
I don’t feel totally comfortable in predominantly male spaces, and I worry that I’m taking up space or that I’m not seen as queer ‘enough’ in queer spaces. I don’t for one second think that these worries are unique to bisexual males, but I do feel as though our position as both males and members of the LGBTQ+ people, particularly when many of us have partners who aren’t other men, can make them pretty common for us.
Society likes to put things (and people) in binary categories, making a lot of us feel like we don’t fit in. And we can apply these categories to ourselves, too, sometimes without even realizing it. It’s totally possible to be a part of all sorts of different spaces and groups, even if it doesn’t feel as though we ‘truly’ fit in.
Of course, we can’t make people become friends with us, or change our existing friends to become more like us. Your friends who like the same sport as you, for example, might not share other mutual interests, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy spending time together.
What we can do is seek internal validation and become more comfortable with who we are in ourselves. Rather than seek confirmation from others, try to find that sense of worth within yourself. Not feeling like you fit in isn’t a negative reflection on you; we’re all trying to make sense of our place in the world, whether we’re 16 or 60.
If you feel like you have to perform in such a way that makes you feel as though you aren’t authentically being you, it’s fine to question whether the environment is right for you. It might be that you think it is – after all, we’re all different versions of ourselves with different people – but it’s okay if it isn’t.
And if there are things you want to do or events you’d like to go to, but you don’t have anybody to go with, you might be surprised by how much you enjoy going solo. How many of us have missed out on things because nobody else was free or wanted to go? You might meet new people and potentially make new friends, or just have a great time enjoying your own company. And, it’s easy to leave once you’ve had enough.
Being able to enjoy doing things on your own is a real skill, and even if you’re more of a social butterfly than I am, you might really enjoy it. Alone time can be really valuable and it might be something you need from time to time.
Other ways to make new friends could include joining a new club or society, or, if you’re an adult, using apps like Bumble BFF – you might find like-minded people there. More generally, finding friends can be difficult, particularly outside of school, college, and the workplace, but without making the leap and putting yourself out there, it’ll be hard to find people you might fit in with.
When in social situations, it’s a reality you might hear people say things that are biphobic, or that reinforce stereotypes – I’ve experienced this both in more stereotypically masculine environments but also in queer spaces, and from people of various genders and sexualities. We can’t control what people say, and whether or not you respond to them is completely up to you.
However, at the same time, you’re under no obligation to sit there and listen. You might want to feel as though you’re causing conflict, particularly if you don’t feel like you fit in and don’t want to draw attention to yourself, but would you rather stay in that environment just for the sake of trying to fit in? It’s your choice, of course, but the desire to fit in shouldn’t lead you to feel uncomfortable in social situations.
If you feel like struggling to fit in is really affecting you and your mental health, you may decide to explore therapy, looking for LGBTQ+-affirming therapists if you think that would help. Meanwhile, Scarleteen is a great resource for support, as are the Bisexual Resource Centerexternal link, opens in a new tab and Bi.orgexternal link, opens in a new tab. Speaking to bi guys in a similar position can be really useful, or if you don’t have that you could try journaling and writing your feelings and emotions down to try and make sense of them.
Finding it hard to fit in is not unique to bi guys, and it’s something all of us will struggle with at one time or another, but you don’t have to feel like this forever. There are things you can try, whether it’s finding other communities, prioritizing your mental health, or venturing out solo, so why not give it a go?
