Hi, Bi Guy: Dating Guys for the First Time, Part Two

It’s been a while since we looked at what it’s like to start dating guys when you’re a bi guy, and there’s still lots to cover.

If you’re used to only dating women or girls and nonbinary⁠ (nonbinary: A gender identity that is outside the gender binary. Enby is the phonetic spelling of “NB,” and is a shorthand word for nonbinary.) people and only being in straight- passing⁠ (passing: Being perceived as a member of a non-marginalized group when you’re a member of a marginalized group.) relationships, it can feel daunting to think about dating guys – maybe even scary.

In some ways, dating guys isn’t that different from dating girls or nonbinary people, but there are some important things to be aware of.

Some guys might not want to date bisexual guys, or may otherwise invalidate your identity

For one, sometimes potential dates – and even people you’re in relationships with – can be a little weird about you being bi.

If you’re dating another man who is gay⁠ (gay: A man who is attracted to other men, or a person of any sex or gender who is sexually and emotionally attracted to people of the same or a similar sex or gender. Often used alongside lesbian.) , they may act as though you’re gay now, and like your bisexuality was a phase, and all in the past. Or, they might bring things up that veer into biphobic territory, reeling off pervasive myths and misconceptions that are unfortunately still too prevalent; things like that that bi people can’t be monogamous⁠ (monogamous: In the context of sex, people choosing to be with each other sexually exclusively; to only have one sexual partner at a time.) , are automatically less selective about partners or have more of them, or are less likely to honor agreements we make with partners.

Remember that you’re the only one who gets to decide whether you’re bi or not, nobody else. If you identify as bi, nobody else gets to tell you that you’re not, regardless of the gender⁠ (gender: Characteristics that are seen or presented as distinguishing between male and female in a society. Gender may or may not include assigned or chosen: social roles, feelings, behaviors and/or presentation or appearance.) of the person you’re currently dating. At the same time, nobody is ever obligated to date you – even if their reasons for not dating seem to be rooted in biphobia⁠ (biphobia: Prejudice against bisexuality and bisexual people.) . But then, as frustrating as it might be, if someone is biphobic, do you really want to date them anyway? (Pro-tip: no, no you don’t.)

Finding guys to date can be tricky

And what about finding guys to date in the first place? You may have found that, with dating women or nonbinary people, there’s a bigger pool of potential dates because a majority of people are attracted to different genders than their own. In contrast, the pool of queer⁠ (queer: In the context of sexuality, a broad term for sexual orientation that can describe any number of orientations which are not heterosexual. People who identify as queer may be bisexual or pansexual, gay or lesbian, questioning, asexual or more.) guys is going to be smaller and this could take a bit of getting used to. The queer dating pool is always smaller than a straight one, even when straightness is only assumed, rather than accurate.

Not only that, but there will also be bi or gay guys who aren’t out⁠ (out: Short for ‘out of the closet’. When someone’s LGBTQ+ identity is known to other people.) yet, which can make things more tricky still. To find other bi guys, the process isn’t going to be too difficult from the process of finding other people to date – you might find people on dating apps, be introduced to them by mutual friends, or start talking to them in a bar.

And, at the same time, you might find it more difficult if you’re not out yet. While the decision to come out is yours and yours alone, some potential partners may not want to date or be in a relationship⁠ (relationship: An ongoing interaction or association with another person, place or thing.) with someone who isn’t out – or, at least, comfortable going public in a relationship with another guy. And, if you aren’t out, or you’re only out to a few people, a lot of potential partners may not even know that you’re bi. 

There might be LGBTQ⁠ (LGBTQ: L = lesbian, G = gay, B = bisexual, T = transgender, Q = queer or questioning. Additional letters sometimes added include U = unsure, I = intersex, P = pansexual, A= asexual, S = straight allies.) + social groups or events near you, too, and you might meet people here. Even if you don’t meet anyone that you’d like to date or see in a romantic⁠ (romantic: Of, or relating to, intimate or passionate love or interest.) capacity, it’s still an opportunity to make new friends.

Consider your safety

If you’ve only dated women, trans or nonbinary people, you may not have given too much thought to physical safety in your relationships before. While women, trans and nonbinary people can be violent to their partners, it’s not something that’s as common as interpersonal violence perpetrated by cisgender⁠ (cisgender: Describes people who have a gender identity which is traditionally thought to “match” their assigned sex. For instance, someone who was assigned male at birth who identifies as a man. Often used in relation to transgender.) men – or at least, as commonly discussed – so straight men and men who have only been in intimate relationships with people who aren't men sometimes don’t think about it.

So, if you’re in a relationship with or dating another guy, it’s something to consider – even if you haven’t previously thought about it. It’s worth familiarising yourself with the signs of physical, sexual and emotional abuse, and having a plan in place for if a partner⁠ (partner: In a sexual context, a person with whom someone is having some kind of sex. The term "partner" can be used for all kinds of relationships, not just serious ones. "Partner" can also mean the person someone is with in a romantic or familial partnership.) does ever turn violent.

It’s not only safety in the context of your relationship with your partner that’s important to be mindful of, however. While people are more accepting of LGBTQ+ individuals than they were in decades past, homophobia⁠ (homophobia: Prejudice against homosexuality and homosexual people.) still exists.

When you’re out and about, or go public with, a woman that you’re dating, you’re less likely to experience homophobic abuse⁠ (abuse: Purposeful harm or mistreatment of another person, which can be verbal, emotional, physical or sexual. An ongoing pattern or cycle of such mistreatment or harm can characterize an abusive relationship.) . If you date another guy or nonbinary person in public, there is a chance that you might run into people who are overtly homophobic.

This isn’t to say that you’ll definitely face homophobic abuse or violence, but unfortunately, it does exist, and it also makes sense to consider it when making some dating choices, like where you’re publicly sexual⁠ (sexual: About or relating in some way to sex or sexuality.) or affectionate, how you get around late at night or in other contexts where you might have fewer bystanders, and who you choose to bring someone new you’re dating to meet.

Keep sexual health in mind

It’s also important to consider sexual health. The risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections⁠ (sexually transmitted infections: STIs: illness, infection and/or disease which is often or can be transmitted through sexual or other intimate contact, like HIV, Chlamydia or Herpes. Some people call STIs STDs.) , including HIV⁠ (HIV: A virus that attacks cells of the immune system, weakening the body’s ability to fight infections and diseases.) , tends to be higher for men having sex⁠ (sex: Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. ) with cisgender men (MSM) than when men have sex with other people.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 70% of new HIV infections in the US occur among men having sex with men, but one in six of these men are unaware that they’ve contracted the virus. You may choose to use pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), which must be taken daily to be effective, to decrease your chances of contracting the virus.

Meanwhile, it’s recommended that folks with penises who are sexually active⁠ (sexually active: Someone who has had or is currently having some kind of genital sex with a partner or partners.) with other folks with penises get screened frequently for HIV and other STIs, with the CDC recommending getting tested at least once a year for HIV and more frequently for other STIs.

Other things you can do to effectively reduce the risk of contracting HIV and other STIs when dating other guys include using barriers, namely condoms, wearing condoms, using lubricants, getting vaccinated for what infections there are vaccines for, and having open and honest conversations with partners about everyone’s current status.

Bringing your date into the rest of your life

If you’ve only dated women and nonbinary people before, you might be wondering how to tell your friends and loved ones, or whether you even need to tell them. Particularly if the people in your life already know that you’re bi, you may not have to make any sort of big announcement – it may just be as simple as mentioning that you’re dating another guy.

However, because dating a guy for the first time can feel like a big thing, you might want to mention it explicitly to friends or loved ones. You might be worried about how some people might react, but it’s important to remember that if someone can’t accept your sexuality and the gender of somebody you choose to date or enter a relationship with, it’s probably best not to care too much about their reaction anyway – as much as this might not be quite so easy in practice!

If someone is surprised, perhaps because – while they know you’re bi – they’ve only seen you with women and nonbinary people before, this doesn’t necessarily mean that they have an issue. They might have questions, which you can answer if you like, but you shouldn’t feel any obligation to.

Should someone treat you and your partner differently because they’re another guy – for example, a relative offering you separate beds or rooms when staying over when they never did this for you and previous partners of different genders, this is more of an issue, and it’s something you’d be entitled to address.

Another – albeit more minor – thing people sometimes worry about when dating someone of the same gender for the first time is how they’ll fit into friendship group dynamics. Particularly if you have a lot of straight, cisgender friends, you may be used to things dividing along pretty binary⁠ (binary: Made up of two things or parts; a system with only two possible options or parts.) gender lines – the boyfriends all hanging out while the girlfriends hang out together too, for example – but it’s likely that you and your partner will fit in just fine! If your friends are cool with you being bi, which, as your friends they should be anyway, you’re unlikely to run into issues.

Dealing with new relationship energy and the honeymoon phase

For most of us, regardless of gender or sexuality, we can enter the ‘honeymoon’ phase in a new relationship – a state of mind with some quite intense feelings of attraction and excitement. It’s also described as new relationship energy⁠ (new relationship energy: How it often feels in a brand new intimate relationship when people's feelings are more intense, excited and otherwise zingy than they usually will be once people have settled more into the relationship. Also known as NRE.) (NRE).

This period⁠ (period: The fluid – or flow – which contains blood, from the shedding of the uterine lining usually at the end of each menstrual cycle. Sometimes periods may be less fluid and more globby; this is the state that is often mistaken for blood clotting.) in an early relationship can be and often is heady and great. In some relationships, it may fizzle out or fade, while in others, it can evolve or grow, leading to a relationship that lasts for months, years, or even longer.

When you’re queer and dating another queer person for the first time, you might find new relationship energy particularly intense. Even if you’ve had multiple other relationships in the past, doing things you’ve done before but with another queer person, or someone the same gender as you, can add a whole new dimension. You may feel as though you’re exploring another part of yourself – particularly if you’ve felt the need to hide or present as straight in the past.

But, as exciting as it might be, remember not to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, and move at a pace that suits you. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, and while some queer people might stay with the first other queer person they date for many years, this isn’t the case for everybody. It’s fine to take things slow and figure out what you want.

Reach out to friends

If you’re a bi guy and you’re thinking of dating men for the first time, it might be useful to reach out to friends for advice. If you have friends who are bi guys too, you might find it useful to speak to them – particularly if they date or have dated men before. If you’re friends with any gay men, they might also be helpful to speak to and answer any questions you might have.

There’s plenty of great advice on Scarleteen, too, and the Scarleteen subreddit is also worth checking out. You can take a look at Bi.org for valuable advice tailored to bisexual⁠ (bisexual: A term for sexual orientation which either describes a person who can be sexually and emotionally attracted to people of more than one gender.) people, too. So, even if you don’t feel as if you can speak to people in your life, there’s a lot of help and support out there.