Like quicksand or Michael Shannon, speed dating feels like something we see in pop culture without directly encountering it in real life.
Speed dating is an event where a group of single people gather in a given location. They take turns rotating around the room to interact with each other one-on-one for a brief amount of time. You only have a few minutes to leave an impression, but don’t need to worry if you mess up. A new person will be around shortly. Finding it tough to discover single people in your traditional social outings? Speed dating could seemingly function as your remedy.
When I spotted a Google Events page for something called “Lesbian Speed Dating” in Dallas a couple months ago, it had my attention. I was familiar with speed dating but had never considered doing it. It was time to change that. After signing up and paying the entry fee, I was ready to go on my first-ever speed dating experience!
My speed dating event came courtesy of an entity advertising itself to attendees as "not your grandmother's speed dating service." The most unique flourish for me, a total novice with this, was the event’s technological emphasis. I’d only seen representations of speed dating events where people always looked each other directly in the eye with no modern knickknacks getting in the way. Here, though attendees were encouraged to use their phones during their speed dating experiences for the purpose of taking notes about people they talked to. After the event finished, attendees visited the host’s website to match with attendees they found interesting. If two people matched, they’d have the chance to share contact information.
Matching through a website is very reminiscent of Tindr, Bumble, Hinge, or any other dating app. This particular host’s innovations largely existed in the event's aftermath. During the actual speed dating event, patrons rotated between participants with limited time to chat. However, the wording in the host company’s emails before the event emphasizing “matching” and digital note-taking steered me a bit wrong. Here I was thinking this speed dating experience would be totally unprecedented in its structure.
Uncertainty over what this event would look like loomed large in my head. My anxiety-induced mind wasn't just wondering how I could socially fumble during this process. Concern also flowed over how many people were going to show up. At the start of May 2024, Dallas lesbian bar Sue Ellen’s held a speed dating event of their own. It sold out quite quickly, ensuring there had to be dozens of folks participating in that event. Would a similarly massive turnout accompany this event? Such worries, along with more than a pinch of excitement, swirled in my head as my cab made its way to The Porch, where the event was taking place.
As I entered The Porch, I realized my pre-existing vision of the place didn't quite align with reality. I thought this would be a smoky tavern with creaky floorboards and rusty signs on the wall. Instead, The Porch was what would pop into a person’s brain if you spoke the phrase “pleasant Sunday afternoon brunch spot” to them. As my eyeballs checked every corner of the place, my pupils quickly landed on a trio of women.
I waltzed over, and a kindly woman introduced herself as this speed dating exercise's leader. She told me they’d be starting in a few minutes. The staff was just figuring out where to seat us. Looking behind this authority figure, I noticed only two other people were there. I guess I didn’t have to worry about massive crowds after all!
Soon, three other people showed up. Me and one of those newcomers, a woman in a striking black-and-white outfit with an arresting personality, immediately hit it off. Before speed dating even properly began, we were chatting away like we’d known each other for ages. Eventually, the event leader guided this flock of dykes to The Porch’s outdoor area.
As we all got comfortable in our chairs, I noticed something…or rather, the absence of somebody. The two people who were waiting when I arrived had vanished! Per the coordinator, this lesbian pair had opted to just leave together instead of interacting with everyone. I guess they’d hit it off so smoothly that they just didn’t want to talk to anyone else! This meant there would be only four souls (counting myself) engaging in speed dating. I’d seen too many TV shows and movies to count depicting the speed dating process. None of them had featured so few participants!
Still, the show must go on! As I got to know three new people, I decided to immediately leap into the interactions. It can be difficult to immediately rev up a conversation with somebody you’ve just met, but I pushed that anxiety into the back of my mind by remembering how temporary this event was. If things went awkward, fine, I might never see these people again. There’s a little bit of freedom in that temporariness. With that, I was able to feel freer to just start chatting with strangers the moment I sat down.
To maximize every second I was with the various participants of this speed dating event, I clung to a social rule drilled into me at a young age: ask questions. I genuinely love getting to know other people, discovering their interior worlds, and getting more connected to them. Plus, in my most self-critical moments, my brain often defaults to thinking “Lisa, you’re not very interesting…I bet that person sitting in front of you is much more compelling!”
The best way I was told to reach those connections was by asking questions to another human being laced with enthusiasm. Interest in another person cannot come from a place of obligation. They must stem from genuine intrigue and passion. This means must play such inquiries in a very considerate fashion, though. Delivering these questions in a robotic tone or saying phrases rigidly can make the other person feel trapped or bored. Are they in a job interview or a conversation with another human being? Done right, though, questions about someone open exciting doors in your interactions with a new person. Plus, it can open the door for common ground to develop between the two of you. You never know if you’re going to share music tastes or food preferences unless you ask!
Something else that’s important? Don’t get too wrapped up in the limited time you have to talk to somebody. Yes, your conversation will inevitably abruptly end, which might feel weird. But that’s just the nature of the speed dating game! You must surrender to the inevitability of limited time and just focus on the person you’re talking to. That’s a really useful restriction for yours truly. I'm always trying to control everything in my grasp with rigidly enforced schedules. Speed dating exercises, meanwhile, took the power out of my hands and forced me to live in the moment.
In my speed dating time, I didn’t divulge a ton of information about myself, partially out of respect to not interrupting my companions' stories and, yes, a little bit of that enduring perception that my perspective isn’t valuable. When I did express myself or share anecdotes, though, I made sure to keep my wording concise and not ramble. I didn’t want it to feel like I was giving a speech to another person. Whatever soul I was sitting in front of in speed dating was an active conversation participant, not a spectator. This informed the brevity of my comments and stories. Meanwhile, in my responses to the other person’s questions, I tried to interject small asides tying my interests, experiences, etc. into details my speed dating partner had previously expressed. This way, a potential bridge could form between two souls that had previously been strangers.
These tips can be very useful in navigating speed dating circles. Ironically, I didn’t get to employ them for long that night. After about three turns changing chairs, the event leader announced we were technically “done” just because of the limited number of people here. Ten souls had registered to show up, but only four had shown up. Thankfully, all four of us just pulled up to a nearby table and chatted for two hours. What an extraordinarily unexpected but endlessly fun turn of events!
During this social encounter, each of us agreed it was more difficult to find Dallas social spaces for queer women compared to the options available to queer guys. This lesbian speed dating exercise was a great elixir to that. We could finally uncover other local queer women hankering for relationships. Heck, we could even just discover new lesbian friends! On my ride to The Porch, my mind had rattled with thoughts on how overwhelmingly different this lesbian speed dating exercise would be. Hours later, a familiar sense of social euphoria filled my entire being.
Having only experienced one speed dating event, I wouldn’t consider myself an expert in this domain. Plus, my traditional speed dating encounters lasted roughly ten minutes, much longer than usual! Even the event personnel realized things didn’t go according to plan. They emailed me the next day offering to let me attend the next local lesbian speed dating exercise free of charge. However, it was still a remarkably fun experience and even a helpful one. It's always good to remember the importance of emphasizing others in social interactions and making some new lesbian connections.
Speaking of those connections, me and that gal in the black-and-white outfit have been texting constantly since that speed dating event. We're even planning on going out again soon! Who knows where that will go, but it’s thrilling that trying something new like speed dating has resulted in fun memories and something exciting to look forward to. Hopefully my inevitable encounters with quicksand and Michael Shannon eventually go that well!
