The default perception of both writers and autistic people is that we are inherently solitary people. Writers, especially, have carried a reputation for centuries of being hovered over a desk late into the night, a candle shining light on their work, cut off from the rest of the world. Autistic folks, meanwhile, are often depicted in pop culture and in general neurotypical-led discussions as innately hating social spaces. In some ways, I do adhere to both of those depictions. I write best while isolated from other people. Goodness knows hanging out with other people can get incredibly overwhelming.
But to you, dear reader, I must deliver a confession. That is not my standard approach to the wider world. My name is Lisa Laman…and I’m an autistic extrovert.
I first became conscious that I didn’t enjoy withdrawing from the world when I began living on my own.
Finally, I had my own apartment, separate from my siblings, parents, and other souls. This was a space of my own. After two or three days of only having my laptop screen for company, though, my anxiety was skyrocketing. The only thing that tampered down the self-critical voices in my head was interacting with others. Other autistic and/or writing folks I talked to always had understandable fears regarding going out and socializing. Me? I yearned for it, if only because even social awkwardness was more pleasant than my brain constantly telling myself I shouldn’t be around anymore!
Yes, I am, in a strange contrast to the typical portrayal of writers and autistic people, someone who desperately needs to connect and interact with others for anything resembling a bearable mental state. But that doesn’t mean my autistic tendencies suddenly vanish every time I enter a crowded room or bustling shindig. Sometimes I find myself torn between desires to socialize and inescapable anxiety over the overstimulating outside world. “Inside you are two wolves,” as they say. In my case, I have two wolves that often chomping at one another in social spaces, including in the world of dating!
Grappling with and even peaceably connecting these seemingly paradoxical parts of yourself is possible. For starters, though, you have to be honest with yourself. Just because you’re an extrovert doesn’t mean you’re socially invincible. Though I like being around people, I still get overwhelmed in certain loud or crowded environments. Just because I like socializing doesn’t make every crammed train car or ear-bursting sports game a dream come true. Sometimes, it’s difficult to advocate for yourself or recognize those realities if you have extroverted tendencies. If you’re like me, your initial proclivity is to just grin and bear it.
However, it’s 100% okay to be an extroverted autistic person who can’t thrive in every overstimulating domain. Recognizing that and specifically what spaces make you especially overwhelmed is important and helpful. Me, for example, I’m fine with locations where all the noise comes from one direction or source, like a movie theater auditorium.
Going out into the world and being around others should ideally be something that brings you joy, not anxiety. Setting conscious boundaries for yourself on where your extroverted tendencies thrive — and don’t — most is critical. Acknowledging that it’s okay not to do everything will make it that much easier figuring out proper dating experiences and settings.
Speaking of knowing yourself, it’s also critical, in the realm of dating or any other pursuit of any kind of relationships, to figure out what social environments you’re best at meeting or getting to know new people in. This isn’t about sensory or texture issues. Some extroverted people may flourish talking to strangers in a bar. Those same souls can also find themselves adrift in a one-on-one socializing setting like speed dating.
Again, being extroverted is not a cure-all for all social woes. For myself, I’ve had to figure out that more intimate social settings, like those one-on-one spaces, work better for me. Just paying attention to one person at a time and getting to really understand people’s personalities: that’s where my extroverted tendencies blossom. Those same tendencies also thrive best when I’m surrounded by people I’m familiar with, especially when they’re also autistic and trans. Naturally, I’m a little less extroverted by comparison interacting with, say, strangers on a bus! The perils of scenarios like figuring out if someone also likes me tend to get exacerbated when I’m around non-autistic souls.
Having extroverted tendencies could result in you scoring some strange comments from people in general and potential dates alike. For much of my life, the greatest compliment I thought I could ever receive was, “You don’t even look/act autistic!” It made me delighted to believe I’d “beaten” my neurodivergence. Nowadays, that comment repels me. Neurotypical people can have a vision of how we autistic people behave and that typically doesn’t include being eager to socialize.
That’s a disgraceful status quo, but don’t let such harmful comments harsh your extroverted buzz. Nor should those words inspire you, introverted readers, to abandon your personal desires to socialize more. Those societal norms do not dictate how you “must” or “should” behave as an autistic person. People come in all shapes and sizes, including often not falling into tidy boxes of just being “introverted” or “extroverted.” So many reside in spaces between those two terms! Embrace that and your intricacies!
You’re always valid as an autistic person. That’s true no matter how extroverted or introverted you are and especially in the face of what neurotypical people say offhandedly.
You may not end up connecting with people with outgoing, extroverted inclinations like yourself. “Opposites attract,” as wise philosophers and Paula Abdul have been fond of saying. You could become infatuated with a more introverted person than yourself. In that case, it’s best to build bridges of communication between you and the people you’re attached to in terms of your differing social preferences and needs. Not talking about qualities that vary between y’all can only lead to greater problems!
It’s also wise to try to and compromise, particularly given the extra challenges facing introverted people on the dating scene. This doesn’t mean suppressing or ignoring your social needs. Instead, it’s recognizing American society is built around assuming EVERYBODY is an extroverted party animal. In the past, the default place to meet people has been noisy bars crammed full of people.
Even in 2025, the default backdrop for many big “queer” celebrations or splashy events tends to be these chaotic environments. Equally jam-packed dance floors are also a social hot spot for dating. The list goes on and on of backdrops catering to extroverted needs. Just because so many locations are noisy doesn’t mean they’re the only places where people bond romantically!
Considering that, it’s wise to listen to what an introverted partner needs. Be flexible with environments that work for them, considering places like museums, quiet tea houses, or a walk somewhere open and calm.
Plus, like I said earlier, being extroverted doesn’t mean every bustling social environment is ideal for extroverts, either. You and an introverted partner may find exciting common ground in discomfort over certain noisy domains. Additionally, vulnerabilities over sensory experiences can help you further understand and realize the struggles introverted people go through. Really, I think that being an autistic extrovert is all about recognizing your own limitations and the limitations of others as much as possible. Understanding that material can really make a relationship cook for everyone involved.
Most importantly, though, don’t be afraid, as an autistic extrovert, to embrace discovering social connections in environments you do thrive in. You might develop a romantic connection with an introverted person. Then again, in the social spaces you thrive in, you might also uncover a deeper connection with someone else who is also extroverted like you. Those possibilities only get uncovered once you embrace domains you feel most comfortable in rather than adhering to external perceptions of “how” and “where” autistic people should exist. Believe me, I know how hard it is to deviate from those standards. It’s always a struggle feeling worthy of pursuing your own identity. Once you do, though, amazing opportunities open up that are only possible because, not in spite, of your unique extroverted autistic nature!
