Romantic break-ups are everywhere in our culture. Countless books have been written about how to digest that fateful moment when you hear “it’s not you, it’s me” or something equivalent. Equally common are songs crooning about “somebody I used to know,” “going your own way,” and leaving a scarf at your lover’s sister’s house. So tremendous is the pain of loss that we can’t keep it to ourselves. We simply must shriek this feeling from the rooftops and share it with the world. Chances are, if you or one of your best friends have been through a breakup, neither of you have been able to stop talking about it and for good reason.
However, losing a partner isn’t the only kind of break-up that can leave you feeling aches all over your body or like the world has lost all its color. What about when friendships crumble? There’s way fewer resources or discussions over what to do when you and your pal gradually stop talking to each other or even have a more dramatic falling-out. It’s not the exact same thing as losing a romantic partner, but there’s still that void in your heart. How on Earth can you cope with something so many people never even speak about?
One of the weirdest things about a friendship break-up compared to a romantic break-up is how it can unfold. Typically, partners separating make it firm where they stand. There’s that fateful conversation (sometimes in a public space, other times in a more intimate setting) where all the cards are laid out on a table and it’s clear you’re both going your separate ways. Of course, this tactic is not exclusively the property of folks engaged in a romantic connection. This sudden, explicit cutoff can totally happen with friendships too.
Friendships, though, often die a slow death of a thousand cuts. Over time, you may just realize you haven’t texted someone in months and they’ve also never reached out to you. Perhaps one night, at a club, movie theater, or some other go-to fun destination, you’ll realize a familiar face at this domicile has vanished.
Once that realization hits, though, it crashes into your gut like a two-ton weight. In the case of gradual friendship losses like these, it’s important to consider context before your next move. Specifically, reaching out to that now distant person can either be a great or dreadful concept depending on what’s happening in their life. Perhaps you both have just been busy. There’s been no room for texting or calling in anyone’s schedule. Making the time to reach out might just make their day. On the other hand, if you’re aware that heavier personal matters are plaguing this person’s life or they’re just intentionally keeping distance, consider waiting and giving them the space and time they need.
Some dynamics run out for a reason. It’s another reminder that we simply have no control over where they conclude. As human beings, we’re always growing and evolving. Sometimes, a person who makes a perfect friend for who you are at age 19 isn’t quite ideal for you six years later. We can’t stop ourselves from incrementally developing, just as some friendships crumbling is also unstoppable.
That reality becomes incredibly, frustratingly apparent during the more extreme instances of friendship break-ups. This is when a person explicitly tells you they don’t want to be friends anymore, either via text or in-person communication. Here, the severing is intentional, not incidental. You may technically have more answers as to why a friendship dwindled or abruptly ended, but that doesn’t make the pain of this development any more bearable. Either way, you’ve still lost somebody important in your life.
In these cases, it’s crucial (though obviously easier to say than actually do) to make sure you don’t reach back out to this person. Granted, if there’s a mutual friend between you two that you’re still on good terms with, it could be good to reach out to them for more information on what’s going on or about the possibilities for subsequent reconciliation. But reaching out directly to the friend that’s cut you off is just not going to work. Even if you’re convinced that you can change their mind with your tremendous powers of persuasion, the die has simply been cast. Though it hurts to endure, that person has made their choice. Badgering them with texts about repairing the past isn’t bound to do anything. Going “cold turkey” in these scenarios is painful, tremendously so. However, it’s the only way to really forge a new path forward rather than getting obsessed with yesteryear.
Here’s what’s important to remember in either of these two scenarios: this situation is bigger than you. In some rare cases, an actual grave social faux pas or failing may have inspired the friendship break-up. In the vast majority of these cases, though, friendships dissolving is just a result of personal matters in another person’s life. They may be going through something bigger than you and removing certain social commitments is just a way of processing that. They may be changing and evolving, and finding less in common with you than they used to. Everyone’s lives are complicated. That inevitably means that, no matter how personal this emotional pain feels, it’s not necessarily an indictment of you as a person.
Even remembering that, though, can still make processing the loss of this friendship hard. This is particularly true when you’ve been friends with somebody for eons. Sometimes, we bond with people so profoundly that it can be hard to remember a time before we even knew them. How on Earth can one return to their day-to-day reality without that friendship? The truth is, though, there was a time when you didn’t know them. You were still valid as a person before you met that friend. You’re still valid now. One person does not make your existence valid or worthwhile.
As someone prone to catastrophizing or thinking that in-the-moment turmoil will last forever, I understand completely that remembering the larger scope of existence can be hard when anguish is soaking your brain. However you can, though, it’s critical to remind yourself of that reality. Part of how you can remember this detail is by making sure to engage in activities that especially make you fulfilled in the wake of this break-up. Do you like to read? Dance? Garden? Indulge in what unleashes your serotonin. Revel in the activities that reinforce how your joy isn’t intertwined with just one person in your life.
If you have other nearby friends, it’d also be wise to talk to them. None of us should have to go through tremendous emotional pain alone. It isn’t just that talking about your feelings regarding this concluded dynamic can make them seem less daunting than if they’re kept in your head. You might just hear from your friends about their own personal experiences with losing friendships they thought would last forever. You’d be surprised at how often emotional roller coasters that seem exclusive to only one person are actually universally experienced. If they could get through it, you can too.
Most of all, though, just remember that it’s okay to feel sad about that lost friendship. Despite society only emphasizing the pain of romantic relationships dissolving, these dynamics also hit hard. Sometimes, those bittersweet emotions can last for years and years. I myself still feel that twinge of melancholy wistfulness when certain people I’ve fallen out of touch with cross my mind. Those feelings are so valid. Connecting with other human beings helps make life bearable. Losing those connections, including when they’re non-romantic, is like losing a piece of yourself. How could you not feel anguish over that? Just remember, though, there are ways to endure and survive those losses, even if they’re nowhere near as widely talked about as coping mechanisms for getting dumped romantically.
