Lisa Laman is an autistic, transfeminine person, and she’s here to help you through your dating and relationship experiences through the lens of her own.
You can read a book. You can read a map. But reading people, that’s difficult in any situation. Reading people to figure out if they’re actually into you romantically or sexually is even more difficult. Lisa Laman is here to give fellow autistic readers a little help.
Just because you face your own set of specific challenges doesn’t mean you get a free pass to discount the humanity of someone else.
Many social norms, macro or micro, can make it seem like the ideal — or even only! — time to start having dating experiences is in high school. You may get the message that doing it any other time, even just waiting until you’re in college, puts you at some kind of disadvantage. To go against that grain may inspire some social judgement of you and, at least in my case, leave you wondering if you’re just fulfilling a harmful stereotype about what autistic people are capable and incapable of doing. Even if it’s impossible to remember amidst the din of outside messaging world, there is no one right time for dating. That’s as true for neurodivergent folks, including those of us on the autism spectrum, as it is for neurotypical members of the world.
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all process for tackling this issue, but here’s a little help from one person with Autism to another, so you can figure out some concrete ways of scaling what can feel like an immense social mountain.
If you’re like me, there are lots of questions that race through your mind when you prepare to go out on a date. Do I look polished enough? Am I going to click with this person? Did we pick the right venue to go out to? And then there’s the one question always gnawing at the back of my skull about my autism: can I be myself?
Suddenly, a person you’ve been regularly communicating with is M.I.A. Without warning, a fixture of recent life can become a memory. Somebody you’d bonded with has abruptly stopped contacting you. The text messages have ceased, all traces of their presence in your life have been yanked away by them, and without warning or explanation. But just because the experience is stressful doesn’t mean it’s impossible to endure. There are ways for autistic people to come out the other side of getting ghosted.
Being autistic, some things just haven’t come as naturally for me as they seem to for other people. Unfortunately, these have included hallmarks of American life often used to symbolize being “an adult” like driving on my own or getting my first paid job. But human beings are not on a strict timetable to do all the same things at the same time. This is just as true of dating like anything else. Just because you (or I) haven’t been actively dating when a lot of other people in your life have doesn’t make you (or me) a failure. You’re just on your own timetable. So am I.
For individuals on the Autism spectrum or anyone with some kind of disability, it can be hard to ask for help. Here’s a little advice from someone who knows.
I did not feel ready to navigate possible transphobia alone, I needed backup. I was expecting to have that for this date via the person I was on the date with. Without her, I felt trapped in a restaurant where I felt other patrons looking at me or whispering about me. This was a steakhouse in the heart of Plano, Texas.
I didn’t see other autistic people in social scenarios I couldn’t manage, so I couldn’t imagine myself managing them. Attending my college’s autism group provided me an environment I never knew I needed. Being surrounded by other autistic people, I had found a rare secure place to socialize, one that let me start to discover other places I could be social in, too.
Two smart, insightful and autistic people who like talking about relationships walk into an interview…
If I could pull a “Letter to Me”… what would I communicate to teenage Lisa? What important thoughts about dating, relationships, life, and anything else would I say to my younger self in a letter?
Things can and sometimes do go badly on dates. Let’s look at just some of the various ways a date can go wrong and ways to deal with these problems.
Finding it tough to discover single people in your traditional social outings? Speed dating could seemingly function as a remedy. Lisa Laman checks it out and reports back.
Dreaming about your future with a love that isn’t even a love yet: is doing that a problem? Lisa Laman, romantic dreamer, thinks through it.
My name is Lisa Laman…and I’m an autistic extrovert.
