From references to bisexuality being erasedexternal link, opens in a new tab from the Stonewall National Monument website to bisexual celebrities being accused of ‘queerbaiting’ for dating people who aren’t the same gender as them, it doesn’t always feel like the easiest time to be bi.
These issues all come down to what’s known as bi erasure. This is when bisexuality is ignored, overlooked, removed, or explained away as being something else. It could be in the form of a political statement, a news article, or even just a throwaway comment made by a friend or loved one.
For example, those all-too-familiar stereotypes about bi men actually being gay but not ready to come out and bi women actually being straight but saying they’re bi for “attention”? They’re bi erasure, because at their heart, they deny the existence of bisexuality as a sexuality.
So, what exactly falls under bi erasure, and how can we deal with it as bi guys? Here’s what to know.
The manifestation of bi erasure
Earlier this year, authorities removed references to transgender peopleexternal link, opens in a new tab from the Stonewall National Monument website, sparking controversy. And, in July, journalist Erin Reed reported that references to bisexual people had also been removed.
Reed explained in an Instagram reelexternal link, opens in a new tab: “On Stonewall’s website it read that before the 1960s, almost everything about living openly as a lesbian, gay or bisexual was illegal — as if living as a transgender person was not illegal at that time. Well, just this month they’ve made a new change. It now reads that almost everything about living authentically as a gay or lesbian person was illegal.”
“They are literally doing bi erasure.”
This is bi erasure at its most overt. Here, the very notion that someone could be bisexual has been removed, suggesting that people are either gay or straight. There’s no spectrum, just two binary boxes that millions of American citizens don’t actually fit into.
But bi erasure can be more insidious, too. In the media, gay is sometimes used as a synonym for bi. Some bi people do describe themselves as gay, and that’s totally their choice – it might be because they want to be accepted by a queer friend group, or to help them accept that they aren’t straight.
But, other times, someone who’s bi will be described as gay. Take, for example, Olympic diver Tom Daley. He shared in 2013, when he was 19, that he was in a relationship with a man but was still attracted to women too. Despite this, even in articles broadly supportive of his decision to come out, he was often described as “coming out as gay”.
Later on, he referred to himself as a “gay man”, and he’s completely entitled to do so, of course. But by describing him as gay before he referred to himself as such, media outlets describing him as gay were engaging in bi erasure. He may have been in a relationship with another man, but news reports shouldn’t have described him as gay when he clearly stated that he was attracted to women, too.
And, while it’s easy to associate bi erasure with people outside of the LGBTQ+ community, sometimes it can come from within. Some bisexual people – mostly celebrities and people in the public eye – are accused of queerbaiting (which, for the record, is a marketing technique and not something a human can do with regards to their sexuality) when they date someone who isn’t the same gender as them.
Heartstopper actor Kit Connor was accused of doing so by some fans when he was pictured holding hands with a woman after not sharing his sexuality. He then tweeted, “Back for a minute. I’m bi. Congrats for forcing an 18-year-old to out himself. I think some of you missed the point of the show. Bye.”
Billie Eilish, who came out as queer, was criticised by some fans for kissing male actor Nat Wolff during pride month – when she’s never said that she’s only attracted to women – while Jojo Siwa, who’s also queer, said this year, after entering into a relationship with reality star Chris Hughes, that she felt pressure to identify as a lesbian.
It’s nothing new. David Bowie said that he was gay before describing himself as bisexual in a 1976 interview. In 1979, he confirmed again that he was bisexualexternal link, opens in a new tab and was then met with a response of, “Does that mean though that you really are? Or does that mean that you’re keeping something–” causing him to reiterate that he had already answered the question.
Then there’s Freddie Mercury. The late Queen frontman never explicitly came out as gay or bisexual, but he had relationships with both men and women. However, he’s much more frequently described as being gay than bisexual, despite not labelling himself as either.
How to cope with bi erasure in your own life
Bi erasure in the news can be annoying, frustrating, and even worrying. But being faced with it in your own life is a different kettle of fish. People might be well-meaning, telling you “it’s okay” if you are actually gay rather than bi, but they’re still playing into the idea that everyone is one or the other, and erasing bisexuality as a sexual identity.
Or, perhaps you remember gay-straight alliances at school or college. Again, extremely well-meaning, but with no other sexualities in the name, it might feel as though it’s exclusive of, say, bisexual and pansexual people.
Maybe someone has suggested that you’re “going through a phase” or “experimenting” – this is also bi erasure. Young bi and queer people are often asked this, as if we’re not old enough to know who we like. Funnily enough, of course, people who identify as straight are never assumed to be going through a phase. Sometimes people are unsure about or figuring out their sexuality, which is cool too, but they’re allowed to do so in their own time.
If you’re dating, you may have found people, whether straight or gay, who refuse to date you if you’re bi. Maybe they buy into tropes about bi people being more promiscuous or less trustworthy, or simply don’t believe that you can be attracted to more than one gender. Either way, this is bi erasure, too.
How you deal with a situation like this is down to you, of course, but you might decide to mention how you’re feeling to somebody who says something that you feel erases your identity. While there’s often overlap, there is often a difference between being purely uninformed and being deliberately exclusionary.
It’s not your responsibility to educate someone, but if you’re dealing with a close friend or loved one you trust, and who seems broadly supportive, you may decide to explain what it means to be bisexual – that you’re attracted to people of multiple genders. That your identity is valid, and that you’re neither gay nor straight.
With other people, like a match on a dating app, you might decide simply to cut your losses and move on rather than waste your energy trying to explain. This is entirely understandable!
Overall, remember that you don’t need to overexplain yourself, or prove yourself to anybody, but if you feel able to, discussing your identity with someone who genuinely wants to learn could help you. Or, you could direct them to resources online – like this one.
And just knowing yourself that your identity as a bi guy is valid can help. Scarleteen can help with this, and you might find support in places like the Bisexual Resource Centerexternal link, opens in a new tab and Bi.orgexternal link, opens in a new tab, too. If you have other bi friends, you might find that they’ve experienced bi erasure too, and you can support each other.
While there have been some big strides in awareness and acceptance over the decades, it’s not the easiest time to be bisexual. And this is particularly true for those bi people who might be facing erasure from within the LGBTQ+ community, but then also from other communities they belong to.
But most importantly, you know that you’re bisexual. No matter what anybody – politicians, media outlets, friends, relatives – says, only you have the right to define your sexuality.
