The first time I had sex, I was seventeen years old, homeless, and couch-surfing with a friend from high school who had very sympathetic parents. I felt like I had waited forever to have sex for the first time. Nobody was pressuring me, but I was very eager to no longer be the only person I knew in my circle of friends who hadn’t had sex. My first sexual encounter had the added layer that I had been kicked out for being queer, and had lost my family, friends, and the community that had raised me, all before I’d even kissed a girl! Needless to say, this felt very unfair and as though I was paying a price for a thing that not only wasn’t wrong, but that I hadn’t even done yet. When the opportunity presented itself after a night out at an all-ages queer dance club, I was thrilled. After this initial experience, I had lots of sexual experiences, mostly with other homeless queer and trans people, and it was, for the most part, a very positive, affirming, and good experience, but that isn’t always the case, and sex while homeless isn’t always easy!
Understanding Legalities
When I was seventeen, the first person I had sex with was also a homeless or precariously housed queer person, but she was a few years older than me. Understandably, she was worried about getting in legal trouble because I was a legal minor. I told her I wasn’t living with my mom, and there was a restraining order against my mom from the court, and nobody would know or care. While true, I wasn’t really thinking about what this could mean for that other person. I didn’t realize at the time that even though this was completely consensual, and I pursued her, she still could have gotten in trouble. Although in my case nothing bad happened to her for having sex with a minor (we were close in age and I was fully consenting), I’m a big believer in knowing risks and making informed choices. I know now it’s important to care about and take seriously any risks that could impact a sexual partner, even if you personally aren’t impacted. If you are a minor, it’s important to know what the legal age of consent is in the area where you are. Even if you are homeless and living on your own, there may still be the possibility of legal consequences for a partner based on your age, particularly if the other person is older or a legal adult, regardless of how consensual that sexual experience was or how close you are in age. Legalities around sex are going to look different based on the ages of the people involved and your location.
Another issue to keep in mind other than age of consent is that most jurisdictions have laws in place against public nudity, “indecent exposure,” and sex in public. If you’re currently houseless, being caught having sex is an issue that could impact you. Even if you don’t think of yourself as being “in public” because you are engaging in sexual relations inside a tent, for example, you still could be seen as having public sex, or being naked in public.
Sodomy laws were federally struck down in the United States in 2003 with the Supreme Court’s Lawrence v. Texas case. If you live in a country outside of the United States, LGBTQ+ sex may be differently criminalized in your country, and if you’re homeless, you may be more exposed and susceptible to persecution. If you ever use substances including alcohol while having sex, you can also pick up additional charges for public intoxication in addition to any trouble you might get into for having sex in “public.” Staff or volunteers at homeless youth drop-in centers, or at medical providers like Planned Parenthood, likely will be able to answer any questions you have about what is and isn’t legal in your local area.
Where To Have Sex
If you are currently homeless and sexually active, it can be difficult to find safe, private, and clean places to have sex. A tent or a car can sometimes provide some much-needed privacy (but understand that places like these are not always considered lawful places to be sexual). In the time that I was more precariously housed, and sharing small quarters with multiple other people, we would often coordinate and communicate openly when we wanted to have sex with someone. While public sex in parks, bathrooms and other locations may be or feel inevitable or even exciting, it does come with both safety and legal risks. Depending on where you live, if you are caught, not only are you a minor at risk of being sent back to your legal guardian’s house or returned to foster care, but there could also be criminal consequences. Public nudity and public sex is often illegal, and could land you in legal trouble if you are caught having consensual sex. Sex where others can see you can also make you more vulnerable to sexual violence. For this reason, if you can coordinate an inside or more private place to have sex (like a tent or someone’s house), that’s generally safer.
Know Why You Are Having Sex
Even though I had grown up in an extremely sexually repressed home and environment, when I came out as queer, and became homeless, I was very lucky: I immediately found myself thrust into a community that was sex-positive, kink-positive, and able to talk about it! I had a lot of very queer, very consensual, affirming, and fun sex. For me, sex felt good and was a way to connect not just with romantic partners but often also with friends. I found my sexual experiences to be liberating and fun, but that isn’t always the case.
If you are having sex, especially as a homeless teenager, it can be helpful to spend some time thinking/journaling about why you are having sex, including why you are engaging in the kinds of sex that you are. Because you like those kinds? Because you feel like you have to so a partner will stick around? Because you think those are the only acceptable kinds of sex? Think about how those sexual encounters feel not just physically but also emotionally. Just because other people around you are having sex doesn’t mean that you should, and it certainly doesn’t mean you should ever feel pressured to do something you aren’t ready for or for whatever reason don’t want to do.
If you’re staying in a shelter, any kind of sexual activity on-site is frequently against shelter policies, and could result in you losing housing if you are caught. Also, when you are homeless, there can be pressures to have sex with people in exchange for companionship, a place to stay, money, food, and other basic needs. At the same time, the realities of survival sex are nothing to be ashamed of or judged for. Many people who are houseless find themselves exchanging sexual encounters for housing, money, or other needs. If this is part of your experience, try to be as safe as possible in terms of using protection, and make safety plans for communicating with friends and trusted people about where you are. If you find yourself in a situation where you feel pressured to engage in sexual encounters that don’t feel safe, reach out for support from friends, your community, or any trusted adults.
Talking About Sex
I grew up not talking about sex and feeling uncomfortable in my body. That changed very quickly when I came out, and became homeless. I feel very fortunate that I came out into an extremely sex-positive community of homeless queer youth. Very quickly, I found myself empowered to think about my sexual desires and my sexuality. The other queer homeless punks I met, as well as the sex-positive staff at the LGBTQ+ homeless youth drop-in center where I went and started to build community, helped me to develop language and comfort talking about sexuality. It can feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about sex, but I really encourage you to consider giving it a try! Talk with friends you trust, and ideally your sexual partner(s), about what feels good and what doesn’t feel good. Try to talk about what kind of sex you’re having, or want to be having. These sorts of open and honest conversations can feel vulnerable, but they are so important. When we talk about sex, we are breaking down shame and taboos, allowing us to better set boundaries and build trust and safety with our sexual partners.
Accessing Sexual Healthcare
You deserve access to healthcare, which includes sexual and reproductive healthcare. If you are a homeless youth, depending on where you live, you may be able to access free healthcare, including sexual healthcare. Medical care of any kind, including around sexual health, is going to look different depending on where you live and what resources exist. If you aren’t sure what you’re eligible for, or where to go, talk with other homeless youth about how they get healthcare, or ask a trusted adult at a shelter or drop-in program. When I was a homeless youth, I received all my healthcare at a street-based medical clinic for youth and at Planned Parenthood. It can feel awkward, but being open with your healthcare providers about the kinds of sex you are having is important to make sure that you’re getting the healthcare that you need. Getting tested for Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) is important for your health, and the health of your community. Something that my friends and I used to do when we were homeless was planning to go get tested together, even if we weren’t having sex with each other. Making it a group outing made it feel less scary and helped hold us accountable to not missing that appointment. Your body is the only body that you have, and it’s important to take care of it as best you can, even if you’re homeless.
Safer Sex and Contraception
Safe sex and pregnancy prevention are extra important to think about when you are homeless. Pregnancy and illness are far more challenging when you are homeless, and one way to reduce the likelihood you will have to think about those things is to utilize safer sex practices and to use contraception when needed. Not sure about the safer sex options for you based on the kind of sex you are having? There are great resources here at Scarleteen to answer a lot of your questions. You can talk with a sexual healthcare provider—someone you can find via public health clinics or services where you live, general doctors, or clinics like Planned Parenthood or independent abortion providers—who usually also provide other sexual healthcare—or a sex-positive staff member of a shelter or drop-in center where you frequent.
Being homeless shouldn’t be a barrier to having access to safer sex. Most (non-religious) homeless drop-in centers, LGBTQ+ centers, and other youth programs provide free sexual health supplies including condoms, gloves, and dental dams to people who utilize their services. This is also often true at sexual health clinics. Often safer sex supplies will be sitting out where you can freely take what you need, but if they aren’t visible, I would encourage you to ask a trusted staff member if they have any available. Regardless of the kind of sex that you are having, doing so safely is important. If you think you might be pregnant, or think you could have an STI, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Reach out for support from trusted adults, friends, or street family for advice about the best health clinic in your area to visit. If you are in the United States, access to contraception and safer sex supplies can feel more difficult to access because of our current and cultural political climate. This is especially true in certain states. If you’re struggling to find safe access to condoms and other safer sex supplies, talk with trusted counselors, or staff at shelters and youth programs, about what you need. Community-based mutual-aid organizing groups are also often a great resource for safe access to condoms and other safer sex supplies as well as hygiene items.
