If you’ve been kicked out, are being kicked out, or you fear being kicked out, it might feel like every adult in your life is the enemy and is out to get you. It’s understandable to feel this way, especially since you might be right about that with some adults. When you get kicked out, it can be hard to know who you can trust or to feel like you’ll ever be able to trust anyone again. It might even be true that the adults in your immediate family are all aligned to cause you harm by kicking you out of the house, but that doesn’t mean every adult wants to or is going to harm you.
After I was kicked out in my senior year in high school, it took me a long time to really trust adults again. Once I was an adult, when I was working as a Program Director of an LGBTQ+ drop-in center for homeless youth in NYC, I made sure to always remember what it was like to feel like every adult was the enemy. I would remind other staff that the youth who walked through our doors didn’t have any reason to trust us and to tell youth that they didn’t have to trust us.
Trust is always earned and never guaranteed, nor is anyone obligated to trust someone who hasn’t earned it first. Just because someone says you can trust them doesn’t mean that you can. If you’ve been kicked out and are struggling with figuring out which adults to trust, here are some tips to help you assess if adults you meet are trustworthy.
Trustworthy adults listen
Sometimes, adults do a lot of talking when they should be listening. Just because adults are older doesn’t mean they know everything, or are always right. You are the expert on your life and experience. While there are adults who may have resources to share with you, if an adult is trustworthy they will know when to stop talking, and to listen. Trustworthy adults will respect that you know your experience best and are capable of making the best decisions about your future.
Trustworthy adults shouldn’t push you to know what you need
If you have been kicked out, or you are afraid of being kicked out, it’s important to recognize that you are going through something extremely difficult and traumatizing. As you are struggling with housing instability, it’s understandable to not know exactly what you need in every moment. Adults should take your lead and be adaptable by providing insights and support when possible as you need it instead of expecting you to know everything you’re going to want or need.
Trustworthy adults ensure you know your rights
Many adults who will be the most trustworthy will be able to answer questions you have, and provide you with tangible support. This might look like adults working at your school, or at a drop-in program, shelter or other helping organization. This may include adults who are able to support you in accessing services you are entitled to like food pantries, housing, and the McKinney-Vento Program, which entitles students in the United States who are homeless or unstably housed with access to K-12 school.
Trustworthy adults move at your pace
Adults who demand your trust are often not people who are going to feel safe. Trustworthy adults are going to be people who understand why you might have difficulty trusting them and are going to work hard to earn your trust. Adults can earn trust by being a consistent presence in your life, by doing what they say they are going to do, and by making you feel safe and heard. One way adults who work professionally with youth can start to build trust is by putting up “safe space” signs on office doors (be they literal or digital), and by following through on ensuring their office or program spaces are safe for marginalized youth.
Trustworthy adults may have shared experiences with you that they share within healthy boundaries
You might find yourself feeling most comfortable with adults who share identities with you. This might mean adults with the same sexual orientation, gender identity, religious background or other cultural, ethnic, or community connection. Marginalized people in particular often don’t have role models that look like us or come from similar lived experiences. While someone having the same identity isn’t a guarantee they are going to be trustworthy, it can be a sign of commonality which can help you to feel more comfortable or bonded. When first starting to build trust, it can be helpful to know that someone has gone through some of the same experiences you have, or comes from a similar background.
Many people who end up working with homeless youth organizations have also had the experience of being kicked out when they were younger. Although not every person who was kicked out or who ran away as a teenager will be someone you will connect with, adults who have been where you are now can sometimes be easier to trust. Knowing that someone fully understands the reality of the situation you are in, can make it easier to open up about what you are going through and how you are feeling.
Trustworthy adults don’t push for details they don’t need
Don’t feel pressured to disclose information you aren’t comfortable sharing, or feel like you have to share details about your life or feelings that you aren’t ready to talk about. Adults who respect your process and the pace at which you feel comfortable processing your experience are adults who are putting in the work to earn your trust. There might be times that adults need information from you to help you access services, but they should be clear and direct about why information is needed, how that information will directly help you access support. Then, they should respect your choice to disclose that information or not.
Trustworthy adults respect your boundaries
It should go without saying that to be trustworthy, an adult should respect your boundaries. Boundaries include not just physical boundaries with things like hugs, but also your emotional boundaries. Trustworthy adults shouldn’t make you feel uncomfortable or uneasy, and they shouldn’t push on boundaries that you set. If someone is pushing you to do something that feels wrong or uncomfortable with you, it’s always okay to leave that situation and seek out support elsewhere.
Trustworthy adults are proactive on your behalf
A good sign that an adult is somebody that you can trust is if they are looking at a situation you are facing and responding proactively with your best interests in mind. Trustworthy adults won’t just ignore what you tell them is going on at home. They will help you process your feelings, help you to create a safety plan for what you’ll do if you get kicked out, and where you will go, or both. Trustworthy adults may also have resources available they are willing to share with you, or are willing to do the work themselves to be proactive and find information about organizations and support that can help you as you ask for support.
Trust your gut
Ultimately, there is no one way to know if an adult or anyone else is going to be trustworthy. Trustworthiness is very personal and is also fluid, meaning it can change over time depending on how well you know someone. At the end of the day, you don’t have to trust anyone until and unless you feel comfortable doing so. Only you know if someone feels safe and trustworthy. It’s okay — and even in the interest of your safety and well-being — to be picky about who you trust, and take time to build that connection with people, especially adults.
