Because there is no one kind of sex, frequency of sex, or understanding of sex among people or partnerships, and no one way to be in sexual relationship to each other, there’s no one thing that universally signals that a sexual relationship isn’t actually sexual anymore. But there are some things that can be common clues.
In a relationship where the sex has gone missing — or never was present — or where it otherwise feels like a sexual relationship just isn’t one anymore, it might feel like:
- it’s been a long time since the people in the relationship have been sexual together, that they have been engaging in sex together less and less often than is common for them, or that a sexual life someone or everyone in the relationship expected to have together just never happened in the first place
- they, their partner, or both have stopped initiating sex or initiate much less often than they used to, or one person is the only person initiating or wanting sex most or all of the time
- bids they make for sex or other physical intimacy are often declined or, as a person receiving those bids, like they never or rarely feel like anything they want to say yes to
- sex is a topic one or more people in the relationship are trying to avoid
- they are more like platonic friends or roommates than sexual partners
- they no longer or rarely feel desired by their partner or feel desire for their partner; they feel alone or abandoned when it comes to sexuality and the relationship
- a partner is trying to overtly or covertly tell you to stop trying to be sexual with them, and/or to try and be sexual with other people
- if and when their partner is sexual with them, they don’t seem very into it, or seem like they might only be taking part in it out of a feeling of obligation OR like their partner has switched to only focusing on their own pleasure, not mutual pleasure
- that they just feel the sexual fire in the relationship has mutually gone out or has never really sparked in the first place
Ultimately, if and when anyone in a sexual relationship feels like it’s stopped being one, that all by itself is usually a very reliable indicator that it has.
Why does this happen?
All relationships change over time. It’s never a question of if a relationship will change so much as how a relationship will change. Sexual relationships are no different from other kinds of relationships, and that includes that sometimes something that’s supposed to be a central part of the relationship can stop being one or stop feeling like one at some point, or never be there to begin with.
If the relationship was supposed to be a sexual relationship, but it never really seemed to become one, it could be because:
- the people involved didn’t both actually agree to build a sexual relationship in the first place
- the people involved have different ideas of what a sexual relationship is, or different ideas about the timeline for the relationship becoming sexual
- someone (or everyone) changed their minds about wanting to be sexual with the other but haven’t communicated it directly or don’t feel able to
- one or more people in the relationship have been waiting for sex to feel right as something to initiate, but it just never has OR while one person has been trying to initiate sex, the other has not — and may not ever — felt like they wanted to say yes to the sexual opportunities offered
- someone was dishonest about their desire to be in a sexual relationship
- someone is (or both people are) intentionally withholding sex or other physical intimacy
If the relationship was an actively sexual relationship in the past, but stopped being one, it could be because:
- someone (or everyone) changed their minds about wanting to be sexual with the other but haven’t communicated it directly or don’t feel able to
- someone was (or both people were) dishonest about their desire to be in a sexual relationship
- there are unresolved sexual or other kinds of issues or problems in the relationship
- someone got some version of the ick or became fearful or uncomfortable in a way they can’t shake
- feelings or attraction changed for one or more people in the relationship
- one or both people in the relationship have simply become disconnected from each other, themselves, or both sexually — for example, studies are showing that being very online, attached to phones, and heavy engagement with social media all have negative impacts on individual sexual arousal and desireexternal link, opens in a new tab and in relationships; many people also never get in the habit of planning for sex and making time for sex a priorityexternal link, opens in a new tab, something else associated with sexual disconnection in couples
- someone (or everyone) is having their own issues separate from the relationship that are affecting them sexually or affecting their desire to be sexual with a particular partner or any partner. Some examples can include stress, medical conditions, mental health, loss, or trauma.
- the sexual connection simply wasn’t a lasting one, because of things like partners ultimately being sexually incompatible, because how it was when it was new wasn’t sustainable in some way, or because the chemistry was based on tension rather than connection (something easy to mistake early on)
- someone is (or both people are) intentionally withholding sex or other physical intimacy
While it happens that sexual relationships either never really become sexual relationships or stop being sexual relationships because of only one person, it can also be because of both or all the people in a relationship. Sometimes two people thought they each wanted a thing that both discover they don’t. Maybe it’s because both thought there was chemistry there that turns out not to be, or you’ve learned things about each other that changed the sexual feelings you had. Sometimes something traumatic happens to everyone in a relationship and it also affects everyone in the relationship’s sexualities in some big way. More than one person in a relationship can feel bad about themselves in ways that really turn off their sexual interest: this is something that happens to couples when both people experience depression, stress, trauma, or other kinds of pressure, internal or external, all the time.
That doesn’t necessarily make any of these situations easy, though, for any partner involved.
Sexual and romantic rejection is very hard for a lot of people, as is being someone who doesn’t want to be sexual who can feel how hard that is on their partner. If and when the spark has just gone out in a once-sparkly relationship, that’s often something experienced as a loss, sometimes a great loss if and when a once truly rich sexual relationship and connection has gone completely vacant.
It might seem like just changing our minds about something totally optional, like sex, is probably not a big deal, but even then, it’s often challenging for everyone involved, especially if only one person’s feelings changed, or if the person whose feelings changed didn’t want them to change.
Sex is so loaded in our world, and often talked about so poorly, that it’s also easy for anyone who’s been in a sexual relationship that was a dud from the start or that went kaput sometime down the road, to feel like they failed in some way, like their sexuality is in some kind of question, or to worry that this happening in one relationship means it will happen in every relationship.
It’s fair to say that many people, if not most, in these kinds of situations will generally feel crummy to some degree, be experiencing some kind of grief or loss, and also feel pretty lost or stressed when it comes to figuring out what they can do and how they can do it.
