Generally, when someone says or thinks that something is or will be a sexual relationship, the understanding is that it is a relationship where expressing and exploring sex and sexuality together is a main characteristic — or even the main characteristic — of that relationship.
What “being sexual together” means, though, is incredibly varied, because the ways that people explore and express sex and sexuality together is so diverse.
There’s no one way or group of ways of being sexual together that makes a sexual relationship sexual, just like there’s no one frequency of sex together that does, nor what degree sex is centered in the relationship.
There are sexual relationships where sex is nearly every and any kind of sex you can engage in and an emotionally sexual dynamic that is threaded through the whole relationship; others where the sex is only virtual; others where sex is just starting to explore intimate touch; and others where the sexual part is newer, or less central or prioritized than other parts of the relationship. There are sexual relationships where there is also little or no other kinds of intimacy besides sex, and those which are rich in every kind of intimacy.
Some sexual relationships are sexually exclusive, while others are not. There are sexual relationships in which people are sexual together to some degree every day, and sexual relationships where people only engage in sex once a month or less often. There are sexual relationships that one or all people in them would describe as being only sexual — where that’s really the whole of how people are together — and sexual relationships that are also friendships, romantic relationships, or both. There are also sexual relationships where the people in them have made a family, and so are also in a family relationship.
As with other kinds of relationships, people may consider themselves to be in a sexual relationship because they talked about it with the other person or people in that relationship and everyone has agreed that’s something they want as a central part of the relationship. But — and perhaps more often — some people may think they are in a sexual relationship even though they didn’t have much or even any communication, any real agreements, or shared set intentions. They may think their relationship is sexual because of ideas like the assumption that if and when two people of a given gender are in a relationship it must be sexual; because they have engaged in sex with someone in the past; or because they’re in a romantic relationship and, for them or their partner, sex is an automatic part or expectation of that kind of relationship.
What we think a sexual relationship usually is, and what we and others want or expect from one, is mostly going to be based on our own ideas, wants, and expectations, some or even many of which we come to relationships with already in tow. Those may come from our culture or cultures, our families, friends or larger communities, previous experiences in sexual relationships, our ideals or our fears, and what we decide or intend together when we’re starting or are in a sexual relationship with someone.
It’s worth saying — because it so often comes into play when things change or expectations aren’t met — that it’s common for sex, which is a part of many important and loving relationships, to be considered less important, meaningful, or deep than other parts of an interpersonal relationship. Many people have the impression that it’s shallow or small to have sex be something that’s important to you or in a relationship. When someone feels their sexual relationship doesn’t really seem to be one, people may dismiss their feelings and say that isn’t something to be validly upset about. Over the decades I’ve worked in this field, I have heard many people say, for instance, that breaking up because of sex (or a lack of it) in a relationship isn’t ever valid or is somehow unacceptable. You’ll probably be unsurprised to hear that, as a sex educator, I strongly disagree with those notions.
Sex can be a lot of things and what it offers each of us, including in different relationships, is as variable as the way each of our sexualities and sexual lives looks. But I think it’s fair to say that, for people who want sex to be part of their lives and relationships, a lack of sexual expression and connection, especially over time, and especially in relationships thought or understood to be sexual, can be anything from a mild bummer to something deeply upsetting, isolating and disconnecting.
If sex and sexual relationships are meaningful to you, and something you want in your life, please know that the absence of them — or either of them becoming something that doesn’t feel enriching or satisfying anymore — is probably not something that’s shallow or no big deal. If you’re upset about a sexual relationship that isn’t, that upset is no less important or real than someone upset by a lack of love, communication, priority, or time together.
