If you’re having relationship problems, it can be tempting to think there’s a quick fix that will cut through the yucky stuff of navigating a tough conversation. We hear from some visitors to Scarleteen who think opening up a relationship—usually meaning polyamory or nonmonogamy—is that easy fix.
As a team that includes many nonmonogamous/poly people with decades of experience, we usually recommend pretty strongly against that.
Everyone struggles with problems in romantic and sexual relationships sometimes: it’s just part of being in a relationship of any kind, and learning how to manage conflict in healthy ways is a really important life and relationships skill. We know conflict or problems can feel scary, and that the desire to find a fast fix to feel better is common, so we really do feel you.
My number one recommendation for people seeking advice about problems in a relationship is to talk to the person you’re in it with.
They are the only one who can tell you what’s going on with them, and they are the one you need to communicate with to work together on coming to a solution or resolution, whatever that might look like. If the conflict isn’t minor, that’s probably going to take multiple thoughtful conversations! No matter who is thinking that opening up is a solution, any conversation about that needs to start with talking with your partner about the problems in your relationship, not rushing to this or any other solution.
My second recommendation is to avoid jumping into big changes that ask a lot of everyone involved in the hopes that they will fix a relationship. It’s not a good idea to move in together if you’re experiencing conflict and think being closer together is what you need. If you’re a person who can get pregnant, it’s not a good idea to get pregnant to make your partner stay with you. And if you’re in a monogamous relationship, opening that relationship up is not going to address whatever the underlying problems are in your relationship, no matter what your partner, brain, or friends may be telling you.
If your relationship feels like it’s going sour, or like something big one or both of you want is missing, it’s time to do some serious internal work, not introduce new factors. They’ll only complicate things, and you’ll also find that adding a new dimension to your relationship may only reinforce or replicate the existing problems.
Being in an open relationship requires a LOT of communication, extra work, and open-heartedness. Sometimes that’s serious talks about the structure of your relationship, but it’s also sheer practicalities such as wrangling schedules. If you haven’t been in an open relationship before, you’re going to be learning and evolving as you go. Exploring different relationship structures is how you learn more about what you like and want, but you might be surprised by how much work is involved. And since the root of relationship issues is often communication, piling on MORE communication makes things even more difficult.
If you’re upset, for example, that your partner sometimes leaves you on read or isn’t as interested in spending time together, how do you think adding more partners to a relationship will fix that?
This applies whether your relationship is just a few weeks old and you’re thinking about what shape you want it to take or you’ve been together a long time: If you are experiencing conflict, you need to address it.
What’s the problem?
If a partner approaches you about opening up your troubled relationship, or you think nonmonogamy might fix underlying issues, the first question you should ask is why this is coming up in this particular moment. Even if nonmonogamy has been on your or your partner’s mind for a while and they or you weren’t sure when or how to bring it up, presenting it at a moment when you’re struggling is just not the best time to do that.
You need to talk about what the problem is before you discuss solutions, just like anything else that’s going wrong in your life.
If you’re feeling stagnant and stale in a relationship, what does that look like for you, and why do you feel that way? If you’re seeking novel experiences, alone or with your partner, do those experiences have to be romantic or sexual?
Are there things going on in your life more broadly that are making you feel stuck, and are you thinking that maybe your relationship is the thing you have control over and, therefore, the thing you should change?
If you feel like you’re not on the same page sexually, whether one of you wants different things from sex, or wants more or less sex and it’s causing conflict, a new partner won’t resolve the issue. Consider making a list for yourself, or asking your partner to make a list, to organize your thoughts around sex and sexual communication.
If you’re feeling crowded in your relationship, or, on the other hand, like you’re not getting what you need from your partner, what are you looking for? Do you need a commitment to a weekly date night, or a day that you get just to yourself now and then?
Feeling like maybe you need to make some new friends or hobbies, or like your partner needs to diversify their own social life? “Seeing new people” doesn’t have to mean romance or sex! We can bring new people into our life in other roles.
Are you, or your partner, feeling insecure or undesired? Can you point to specific things that make you feel this way, such as feeling like you never get a compliment when you dress up, or your partner seeming to spend a lot of time talking about how great another person is in a way that feels more than friendly?
Are things that aren’t on this list coming up for you? Think about what they are, and if you can, come up with concrete examples to illustrate what you mean.
Finally, if you’re interested in nonmonogamy because someone caught your eye, or that’s why your partner is bringing it up, that’s not usually a great place to start this conversation from. Starting something brand new while something else is dying on the vine—assuming you want to maintain that relationship—is typically a recipe for disaster.
Talking through the problem should help you two better understand where things are going wrong so you can explore several things to try. If you try these things and they aren’t helping, then it’s time for another conversation about why they’re not working for one or both of you. Investing time in working things through may lead you two to the conclusion that your relationship just isn’t working, period, and that’s okay if that happens. Or, you might find that these conversations lead you to a more stable place and you can revisit the topic of opening up from a place of genuine curiosity and interest, not panic over fixing your relationship.
Having the Talk
Whether it’s you, your partner, or both of you concerned about problems in your relationship, it’s important to take space and time for this conversation, and to be aware that it’s probably going to take more than one discussion. This isn’t a thing you want to cram into a car ride while heading to the movies. Patient and productive talking, listening, and processing takes time.
If you’re on the receiving end, shutting down the conversation altogether is going to leave you with even more relationship problems, but it’s okay to say, “This is a lot and I’d like to take some time to think about it. Can we talk about it in a couple of days?” If you’re the initiating partner, you should make it clear that you want your partner to have plenty of time to think and ask questions.
In hard conversations, self-regulation is really important. If you’re feeling activated, anxious, or stressed, your responses may not come from the best place. Try to breathe and loosen up your body so you’re not holding tension. If you need to take a pause, say so. And think about why this relationship is important to you and why you started dating in the first place.
We know it sounds cheesy, but using I-statements to express your feelings can be really helpful, because it makes your partner feel more like you are participating in a conversation than blaming them for your relationship issues. Think “I feel a little confused that you’re bringing this up now” rather than “why are you bringing this up now?” “I feel like we have been having some communication problems for a while, and I am concerned that opening up our relationship will make that worse.” “I feel like our relationship has been getting stagnant and I would like to talk with you about making some changes.”
Another tool that can be really helpful is reflecting your partner’s words to make sure you’re both talking about the same thing and feeling heard. “I’m hearing that you are feeling crowded in our relationship, can you be more specific?” “I’m hearing you say that you’re uncomfortable with talking about opening up our relationship right now. I respect that, but would like to leave an opening to talk about this in the future.”
Clarifying questions are also really important, because sometimes arguments go south when people don’t have a mutually-understood definition and they’re talking at cross-purposes. “I would like to know more about what polyamory means to you” is a pretty big one!
If you’ve discussed and addressed your relationship problems, or you really do want to have a conversation about opening up right now, we have some general tips on starting conversations about poly that don’t come from a “fix the relationship” perspective that you might find helpful. The most important tip, unsurprisingly, is to communicate about your feelings, desires and limits—but also be aware that setting a lot of limits and finicky rules may be a sign that you aren’t comfortable with opening up right now. And poly or nonmonogamy should be something that you are both excited and happy about, not a fallback to salvage a relationship that’s going south.
Throughout, it’s important to remember that all relationships evolve over time, and that evolution is often informed by hardship. Sometimes that means exploring different relationship structures and settling in to something new. Sometimes it means parting ways. Sometimes it means a reset to an earlier relationship structure. As long as everyone is communicating, being heard, and treating each other with respect and kindness, these evolutions can make your relationship stronger and more adaptable—including if you decide you just want to be friends.
