How do I tell a partner I'm intersex?

Secrecy and shame go hand in hand. The things we’re the most scared to talk about often end up causing us a lot of pain, when sometimes they’re not a big deal to anyone else. At the same time, not everyone deserves to know everything about us. Secrets falling into the wrong hands can be dangerous.

Privacy is what helps us give information to the right people, at our own pace, once we know more about any risks we might be taking.

Dating can feel challenging on even the best days. A big part of dating is deciding what feels secret and what feels private.

Telling another person something intimate about your body can be scary. This article is about telling a crush, date, romantic⁠ (romantic: Of, or relating to, intimate or passionate love or interest.) interest, or current partner⁠ (partner: In a sexual context, a person with whom someone is having some kind of sex. The term “partner” can be used for all kinds of relationships, not just serious ones. “Partner” can also mean the person someone is with in a romantic or familial partnership.) that you are intersex — but the advice can work for any type of relationship⁠ (relationship: An ongoing interaction or association with another person, place or thing.) .

The fact is, intersex⁠ (intersex: Having reproductive and/or sexual anatomy that doesn’t seem to, or isn’t understood to, fit typical definitions of female or male, and/or chromosomal combinations other than XX or XY.) people are denied privacy. Our parents and doctors might learn intimate information about our genitalia or other anatomical differences years before we do. These adults⁠ (adults: People whose age in years exceeds the legal age of majority, people considered to be adults by law, or people who a culture or individual considers to have reached an adult stage of life.) aren’t always great about how they handle this responsibility. Having the opportunity to tell someone else you are intersex may be the first time you are able to feel a sense of control over disclosure. That newness can add to existing fear or shame.

Telling someone you are intersex looks different based on how old you are, the context of your community and culture, and whether you are straight or queer⁠ (queer: In the context of sexuality, a broad term for sexual orientation that can describe any number of orientations which are not heterosexual. People who identify as queer may be bisexual or pansexual, gay or lesbian, questioning, asexual or more.) . The most important thing to know is that you have the power to decide what you want out⁠ (out: Short for ‘out of the closet’. When someone’s LGBTQ+ identity is known to other people.) of the conversation.

Should I disclose that I’m intersex before dating someone new?

If you’re on the fence about telling someone about your body, or feeling stuck on how to think about the conversation, here are 5 steps to guide you.

Step 1: Get clearer about what you want.

Dating is about exploring what kind/s of relationship/s feel right to you. The more you have a theory about what you want, the faster you might find someone who wants similar things.

Do you want someone to explore sex⁠ (sex: Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. ) with? Do you want an emotional connection first? Are you looking to be in a long-term relationship with someone who has compatible views on topics like marriage or kids? Do you just want to enjoy the energy of having a crush? What does dating mean for you — what do you want to learn about your own desire⁠ (desire: A feeling of wanting something. In the context of sex or sexuality, desire can be a feeling of a physical and psychological want for any kind of sex or way of being sexual.) ? How does that desire feel in your body?

If you’re not sure, that’s okay, too. Sometimes a direction unfolds as people get to know each other. But not every connection requires you to tell someone every detail about your body.

Step 2: Decide which pieces someone needs to know, and when.

What you want out of dating will show you which conversations you might need to have, even before you talk to anyone else.

Say your intersex variation is one that includes genitals⁠ (genitals: Body parts that are generally, culturally, scientifically or personally considered to be external sexual or reproductive organs.) that look different than what most people might be used to — like having a large clitoris⁠ (clitoris: A sexual organ both external and internal on the vulva and inside the pelvis of those often assigned female at birth that is similar to the penis, but serves no other known purpose besides providing sexual pleasure.) , small penis⁠ (penis: One of the two external reproductive organs of people often assigned male at birth.) , short vagina⁠ (vagina: The internal passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus.) , or partial or empty scrotum. If you might have sex with someone, consider whether it feels safer to tell them to expect these differences in advance.

Say your intersex variation is one that comes with infertility, e.g. you were born without the parts to get pregnant or make someone pregnant. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, and one or both of you want to talk about topics like marriage or kids, you might think about when you want to have this conversation. Would you rather know someone’s views before taking the time to get to know them? Or are you okay with the risk of disclosing once you’ve been seeing someone for a while?

If you are in a relationship that involves any kind of sex, what do you need someone to know? It’s normal to have conversations about risks like unplanned pregnancy⁠ (pregnancy: The state of carrying a developing embryo or fetus within the uterus. Medically, someone is considered to be pregnant when an egg has been fertilized by sperm, cells divide, and the fertilized egg is implanted within the lining of the uterus.) . If this is not something that applies to you, do partner/s need to know every detail, or is it enough to simply tell them that you cannot get or make someone pregnant?

If your relationship is more casual, or you’re not sure how you feel about sharing intimate information, it’s okay to wait. As long as you are respecting everyone by having conversations about feelings and safer sex⁠ (safer sex: Practices which aim to reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections, such as use of latex/nonlatex barriers, regular testing for infections and limiting the number of sexual partners.) , you don’t owe a sexual partner⁠ (sexual partner: Someone besides yourself you have intentionally, actively and physically explored your sexual feelings with in some way, like via sexual activity such as intercourse, oral sex or manual sex.) every detail about your body or medical history. It’s okay to keep pieces to yourself.

Step 3: Consider any risks.

Many people don’t get the opportunity to learn about sex diversity. Some might only know the word intersex through dated pop culture references. Variations in genitalia or other sex traits are stigmatized, usually due to the assumption that having a different body automatically makes a person gay⁠ (gay: A man who is attracted to other men, or a person of any sex or gender who is sexually and emotionally attracted to people of the same or a similar sex or gender. Often used alongside lesbian.) or transgender⁠ (transgender: Describes people who find that the gender applied to them because of the sex they were assigned at birth is incorrect.) . Some intersex people are LGBTQ⁠ (LGBTQ: L = lesbian, G = gay, B = bisexual, T = transgender, Q = queer or questioning. Additional letters sometimes added include U = unsure, I = intersex, P = pansexual, A= asexual, S = straight allies.) +, and some are not. But it’s important to consider the reality that cultural attitudes inform risk.

If your date doesn’t know what being intersex means, or associates being intersex with being transgender, is there any chance they may react with aggression? If that were to happen, how would you keep yourself safe? You might start talking in a public place, or text a friend before and after. Planning in advance is always smart, especially if you are thinking about disclosing to a person you don’t know very well yet.

One way to get clues about someone’s views is to mention intersex and/or LGBTQ+ topics in subtle ways. How a person reacts to seeing a stranger in public, a situation in a movie or book, or a general question, may give you clues about how much information feels safe to share, and when.

Step 4: Decide on the tone.

Emily Quinn’s timeless video, How to Tell Someone You’re Intersexexternal link, opens in a new tab, contains one of the best tips of all time: you set the tone for this conversation.

Do you want this conversation to be a longer one, in which you offer a lot of vulnerability? Or, could it be quite short, setting the course for how you continue to interact with someone?

Beginning with an apology for your body, self-pity, or heavy stories sets a serious tone. If these kinds of feelings are true for you, this tone might make sense. Telling someone about your emotions is inviting them into your life. Dating can be a way in which people process these feelings. The right person can help us feel safer in exploring grief or shame.

On the other hand, some disclosure conversations are more like checkpoints. A direct, confident disclosure can show someone what you need in order to continue in a relationship. “My body is different in ____ ways, and I want anyone I’m with to treat that in ____ ways.”

You can never control how someone else will react to a disclosure. But by considering your own risks and needs, you’ll have done everything you can to protect yourself.

Step 5: Give yourself talking points and resources.

If you’re not ready to tell someone every detail, that’s okay. Practicing what to say for different “levels” of disclosure can help. For example:

1. Least detail: I was born without the ability to get pregnant.
2. Some detail: I was born without a uterus⁠ (uterus: An internal, muscular reproductive organ in the pelvis. During pregnancy, this is where a fetus will develop. The lining of a person’s uterus is also the thing that sheds every menstrual cycle in what we call a period.) , so unplanned pregnancy isn’t an issue for me if we have sex.
3. Most detail: I’m intersex, and for me that means I was born without a uterus, which I feel ____ about, and prefer to talk about in ____ ways.

Plenty of people have written about their experiences with different intersex variations. Outsourcing the job of disclosure to a trusted article or guide with basic definitionsexternal link, opens in a new tab can help you feel less pressure. It also gives someone a chance to connect with you, at your own pace.   

What if someone rejects me for being intersex?

Any time you share something sensitive with someone, you are giving them a gift.

They now have an opportunity to show you how they will treat something that is important to you.

If someone is unkind when receiving your gift — hard as this will be — you will learn who they are. If they treat you with grace, they give you both the opportunity to have a closer relationship. Their reaction is a gift to you.

Good luck. ❤️