You’ve given birth. What a freaking whirlwind! You’re starting to adjust to life post-pregnancy, and maybe you want and feel ready to bring sex back into the picture. (Or not… and maybe you are wondering if you should be, and what’s even normal, if anything, when it comes to all this.)
With all the mental, emotional, social and physical changes of pregnancy and birth, it’s common to feel a little hesitant about having sex again in the postpartum period, the first year after giving birth. You may be wondering, “How do I even make time to have sex? What’s safe to do postpartum and when? How will my body feel different?” Let’s talk through some of the changes you can expect and what you can do if you are feeling ready to safely get your sexy back on.
Immediate Postpartum Healing and Considerations
Most medical providers recommend waiting four to six weeks after giving birth before having any kind of sex that involves your vagina, with or without a partner. Why? Because your body, particularly your vagina, uterus, cervix and the whole of your pelvic floor, just went through a huge ordeal and needs time to heal. Your body is generally achy, tired, and sore in the immediate postpartum period. If you had a vaginal birth, you just pushed an entire being out of your vagina, so sore muscles and swollen tissues are common for the first week or so. Maybe you also had some vaginal or perineal tearing or an episiotomy (an incision made to enlarge the vaginal opening during birth to help get the baby out quickly). These can make your vulva sore and sensitive for a week or two, and you’ll want to be careful not to pull any stitches by engaging in any activity in that area too early. You can also introduce an infection if you insert a tampon, sex toys, fingers, or penis into the vagina before any incisions or tears have healed completely.
If you had a Cesarean birth (a surgical procedure to remove the baby from the uterus, also called a C-section), healing often takes longer. You may need to rest in bed for a longer period than if you gave birth vaginally, and any movement will need to mind the scar on your abdomen. Your vulva may still feel sore, especially if you labored before having a C-section, since your cervix still underwent changes during the labor process. The C-section procedure can also cause tightness in your pelvic floor muscles, which hold up and support your reproductive organs. That’s why it’s also super important to take care of your C-section scar by following the directions of your medical provider to massage and increase the mobility of the scar tissue. This can prevent painful sex down the line.
Whether you had a vaginal or a Cesarean birth, it’s normal to bleed for four to six weeks after giving birth as your body gets rid of the blood, mucus, and tissue your uterus needed to support a pregnancy. This bleeding is called lochia, and it’s basically a much heavier, longer period than a menstrual period. While there’s nothing wrong or dangerous about masturbating or having sex while on your period or during postpartum bleeding, you may want to take extra precautions during sexual activities (like putting a towel down or having tissues on hand) to manage the heavy flow.
Getting to Know Your Body Again
The physical changes of pregnancy and birth can lead to challenges with body image. You might have new stretch marks, your vulva could feel different, and if you’re breastfeeding or chestfeeding, your body may continue to hold onto more or different fat and weight than you’re used to in order to produce breastmilk. Breastfeeding or chestfeeding can also change your relationship to your breasts: if you previously experienced them as erotic, them now being a source of food for your baby may take some getting used to.
Going through pregnancy and birth may forever change your body and your relationship to it in any number of ways, positive, negative or neutral–and that’s okay. But because we live in an anti-fat society with very narrow ideals of beauty that rarely include postpartum bodies that look like most postpartum bodies do, it can be difficult to look at your changed body in the mirror and feel proud, confident, and desirable. Navigating self-esteem and body image issues by re-acquainting yourself with your body first before diving straight back into partnered sex can be a helpful first step.
“It can be difficult to explain the magnitude of the physical, hormonal, and emotional changes and energy it takes to create a human, especially to people who didn’t give birth,” says American sex coach, Kaci Mial, who works with a lot of folks in the postpartum period.
“A lot of us are zooming through the day, and we don’t check in to see how we’re actually feeling,” she says.
Mial recommends taking a pause: maybe lighting a candle, putting on some noise-canceling headphones, grabbing a cup of water or tea, putting some calming music on… whatever you need to relax and get a few calm minutes of alone time.
Nikkita Grady, an American-based postpartum pleasure and intimacy coach and certified sexuality educator, echoes Mial’s advice.
“Start with five minutes in the bathroom to yourself,” Grady recommends. “Take five minutes to wash your face and put on moisturizer. Then maybe start incorporating a haircare routine. Or even just sit there and breathe for five minutes.”
Taking alone time to pause and take care of your body can be the start to making your way back into your sexual life, whatever that looks like.
Mental and Emotional Changes
Giving birth doesn’t just cause physical changes, it creates mental and emotional changes, too. Most recently, pregnant people are experiencing an emotional roller coaster caused by the hormone dip that happens immediately after birth. This hormone dip can cause what is often called the “baby blues,” or general mood swings, sadness, overwhelm, and anxiety that happen within the first two weeks after giving birth. For one in seven people who have given birthexternal link, opens in a new tab, those mood swings can then develop into postpartum depression, or persistent sadness, low self-esteem, sleep disturbances, debilitating anxiety, or difficulties bonding with the baby that happen beyond two weeks after birth, sometimes for months or even years if untreated. One in ten dadsexternal link, opens in a new tab also experience postpartum depression; this is often caused by consistent sleep deprivation, feelings of overwhelm associated with new parenthood, and hormonal changes produced by bonding with a new baby.
These mood changes can lead to not feeling sexy or being interested in sex – and that’s common. Birth trauma is also real. If you had a traumatic, unexpected, or scary birth experience, it may take some time to process the feelings. Birth trauma particularly impacts new parents of color who experience higher rates of external link, opens in a new tabit because of structural racism. It’s important to focus on taking care of your mental health first and foremost and getting the help you need to get back on track, particularly if your moodiness, sadness, or anxiety lasts beyond the first two weeks of the postpartum period.
Intimacy coach Nikkita Grady was also a teen mom. Many teens who get pregnant do so unintentionallyexternal link, opens in a new tab, and Grady shared being afraid to have sex after her teen pregnancy for fear of another unintended pregnancy. “As a teen mom, there was a lot of guilt of not really being in a position to raise a child,” she shared. “I was getting ready for college and feeling concerned about how to do my life with a child now, when I was feeling like I could barely take care of myself.” Feelings of guilt, shame, and overwhelm can be common after an unintended pregnancy and can make diving back into sex feel scary. Taking it slow and being gentle with yourself are key.
Desire & Solo Sex
If you’re feeling like you’ll never want anything sexual, or maybe it’s the last thing on your mind, know that you’re not alone. It’s really normal to have a lower sex drive due to hormonal changes after pregnancy, especially if you’re breastfeeding.
“After birth, many of us are going through a phase of our lives where sex is just not a priority and that’s ok,” sex coach Kaci Mial says. “I think [folks who have recently been pregnant] don’t hear that enough. You actually don’t have to. It’s okay to put sex on pause. It doesn’t mean that you’ll never have sex again. [If you have a partner,] it doesn’t mean your partner will cheat on you. It doesn’t mean you’ll never be a sexual being ever again.”
For the vast majority of Mial’s clients who just gave birth, this desire dip is the norm. Your sense of desire will come back eventually, although it may look or feel different than before.
While some people struggle with desire dips, others give birth and feel better than they ever have. They might wonder instead, how do I find time to have all the sex I want to be having? What adaptations are helpful to make the sex we have even more enjoyable in the postpartum period?
When you’re ready to take the next step – regardless of when that is – Grady recommends self-exploration first. For instance, “You can use scarves, feathers, or other textured items to trace different parts of your body and pay attention to what your body responds to. Don’t worry about trying to reach orgasm.” Focusing on orgasm is rarely a sound way to go when it comes to pleasure, and that can be especially true here.
“We [may] lose sensations in certain parts of our body and gain sensations in certain parts of our body after pregnancy,” Grady explains. “It’s about re-learning what you like and don’t like since it might have changed post-pregnancy.”
This could then move into masturbation (or seeking out and experiencing sexual pleasure by yourself) and more intentionally include genital exploration and orgasms. The key is to go slow, be gentle with yourself, and take time to notice the changes with compassion. (For more tips on diving back into postpartum intimacy, check out Mial’s Postpartum Intimacy Prep Guideexternal link, opens in a new tab.)
Partnered Sex
After exploring for yourself what is feeling good and what isn’t, you may feel ready to try something with a partner. If you have a partner or partners, it’s really important to communicate with them about how you’re feeling and what you need. Partners need to remember that your desires and needs may have changed and should ideally use that as an opportunity to explore and experiment.
It can be helpful to let partners know that postpartum desire dips and physical and emotional changes are normal after pregnancy, and you may not be ready for sex right away. You and your partner(s) can explore the many options for sharing intimacy or touch in nonsexual or less sexual ways, like cuddling, spending time together without the baby, making dinner for each other, massages, baths or showers together and more. Get creative! Creativity can also do wonders for building desire and keeping things exciting: it is one of the things most commonly indicative of sexual satisfaction for people. Communicate, explore, and practice flexibility.
Mial often finds that her clients who recently gave birth can sometimes feel pressured to get back into partnered sex faster than they’d like. Remember that no one should ever pressure you into having sex you don’t want. Partners who aren’t familiar with the impacts of pregnancy and birth may expect more or different sex than you’re wanting or able to engage in. Or you may feel a sense of pressure from yourself, thinking that you need to try harder to get into sex faster than you’re ready to. Our society places a lot of pressure on postpartum folks to bounce back quickly and also doesn’t give us a lot of examples of recently pregnant people engaging in sexual activities. This can lead to confusion about what’s normal and cause folks to give into sexual pressure from partners before they’re ready.
Mial suggests asking yourself, “How are you prioritizing your own pleasure postpartum? Do you even want to have sex with a partner or are you doing it because your partner wants to? Are you doing this just to get it over with?” Consider what you need in this moment, communicate that with your partner(s), and assert your boundaries.
As you begin to explore more partnered sexual activities, you may notice that certain activities feel different. Body changes and the lingering emotional effects of giving birth may make oral sex feel different or less appealing. Also, the hormonal changes that occur after birth often cause vaginal dryness, so if you’re trying vaginal sex, you may need to focus on non-penetrative activities to build desire and to use lots of store-bought lubricant. (Remember to only use water or silicone-based lube if you’re using condoms!)
Many recently postpartum folks also complain of painful sex in the postpartum period. Quickies (or having a quick 10-minute sex session) may not be an option for a while, particularly if the quickie involves vaginal entry. Kaci Mial recommends checking in with your body, doing some stretching, moving, breathing, and experimenting with fingers and a toy, and potentially waiting until the pain goes away. Doing kegels (or exercises that strengthen your pelvic floor muscles) may cause more pain for some people, so be cautious of using this exercise and check in with your healthcare providers first. Seeing a pelvic floor therapist can help if you have access to one, but they’re often not covered by insurance and some areas don’t have many available. If you’re experiencing painful sex, you can check out these resourcesexternal link, opens in a new tab, and can also search at that link for a pelvic floor therapist in your area.
If you’re now caring for an infant, you are probably wrapped up in feeding, diaper changes, sleep schedules, soothing, and just the general chaos of the newborn stage. Trying to figure out when and how to have sex with a new baby around presents its own set of challenges.
Many new parents feel “touched out” or overwhelmed by the amount of physical contact a new baby needs to survive. It’s normal to feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and not into sex – or being physically touched – at all. Just because sex or other touch between you and a partner is different than between you and your baby doesn’t mean that you’ll have the capacity for it, much like if we’re full from dinner, even though dessert is different, we still may not have room for it. It’s also normal to feel more desperate for time alone or a nap than time with someone else, including for sex.
When you do feel up to it, you can start by incorporating a short self-care routine into your day-to-day schedule of diaper changes and baby feedings. Grady suggests using the time when your baby is napping (in a safe place, obviously) to consistently practice some self-care. Or Mial recommends asking a trusted friend or relative to watch your baby for an hour or two so you can get some alone time. This self-care routine could then build into time for masturbation, if or when you feel ready.
If or when partnered sex is of interest, many parents find it helpful to schedule sex, rather than waiting for the nonexistent perfect, spontaneous moment when the baby is not crying, you’re not feeling emotionally overwhelmed, and both you and your partner(s) are in the mood. While spontaneous sex can be super fun, just imagine what creative, sexy things you could come up with – and how that can build the desire – if you give yourselves a few days or weeks to plan. Planning for sex also builds anticipation, which can give you an energy bump that might come in very useful if you’re worn out postpartum.
Remember that it’s okay to have whatever kinds of sex you like with an infant in the bed, a co-sleeper, or nearby crib, as long as they are in a safe location and you and any partners feel okay about it. Babies don’t know what sex is or understand what you’re doing. That said, intimacy coach Nikkita Grady suggests that removing baby items from the room – or finding a different room to get it on while baby is safely asleep – can help you stay in the present moment and make it easier to focus on your intimacy.
Remember: you can get pregnant right away after giving birth if you have penis-in-vagina sex and aren’t using a reliable method of birth control, including condoms. Because of all the normal postpartum bleeding, it can be difficult to tell when your period comes back – and remember that you ovulate before your period comes so you can get pregnant before that first post-pregnancy period. So, if you don’t want to get pregnant again right away, be sure to at least use a condom and/or talk with a provider about other methods of birth control.
Finally, don’t forget that you and your body just did an incredible thing – pregnancy and birth are no joke! – and it will take some time to return to a sense of normalcy, including with your sexy time. Focus on self-care, take your time, and listen to your body.
tl;dr:
- Give yourself time to physically and emotionally heal!
- Start with and center yourself: what do YOU need to feel good?
- Consider starting first with masturbation: feel out how your body has changed and how it has stayed the same. Explore how things might feel different. You can also explore how your desire or sexuality may have changed in larger ways, and if and how what you want or like to do is different or changing.
- If you have sexual partners: communicate with your partner(s) about what you need!
- Get creative: There are many ways to share intimacy with someone, and some options might not be available for awhile. What else could you explore?
- If you’re now caring for an infant, remember to give yourself some love and attention too! Start with small self-care routines when the baby is safely asleep. You can then move into carving more intentional time for sex into your busy caregiving schedule, as long as you’re feeling up to it.
- Remember it’s ok to not want any kind of sex, for any reason, and also okay not to want to be touched, even if it isn’t sexual. Giving birth and having a baby is hard work! Give yourself grace as you navigate all the changes and remind yourself that you are amazing.
Many thanks to the sexuality professionals who contributed to this article! Kaci Mial, M.Ed., CSC, CEIM; Nikkita Grady, CSC, CSE; Amanda Jo Combs; Dr. Lexx Brown-James, LMFT, CSE, CSES; Melanie Davis, PhD, CSC, CSE.
