Hopefully, what happens when you disclose emotional abuse is that who you tell reacts and responds exactly as anyone should. Hopefully, they tell you they’re so sorry that this has happened to you, and that they believe you. Hopefully, they will not do anything that will sabotage your well-being in any way, like engaging with the person who abused you in any way you haven’t agreed on, or by making you doubt your own experience in some way. Hopefully, they’ll ask how they can best help and support you and they’ll follow through with anything they offer or agree to do, within their capacity. Hopefully, some of that help will include helping you get out of the relationship if you haven’t yet and do things you need to do to get and stay safe, heal, and move forward.
All of that will usually feel very good. But there are a few side effects that can come from having supportive people around you who know what happened to you which are ultimately beneficial, but which might not always feel so good or so wanted.
It can be common, for example, as someone who has experienced abuse, to deny or diminish abuse we’ve suffered — yep, even after we have told ourselves or others the truth — or to keep doing things we’ve done as a result of abuse or control, like covering for the people who abused us or defending them, continuing to behave or think in ways abuse has conditioned us to, like taking responsibility for things we aren’t actually responsible for or questioning our own value as people. It can also be common to go back and forth about leaving the relationship, including because leaving is often much harder to do than people – and maybe even you – realizeexternal link, opens in a new tab. When we have someone, or a group of someones, around us who know the truth about our abuse, they will often call us out or in when they witness us doing things like this. That’s great for us, but it doesn’t always feel great. It might even feel restrictive at times, or make you wish you hadn’t told, even though it was for the best that you did. I don’t think there’s much anyone can do about this except to ask for gentleness when you need it and prepare yourself for the mixed feelings this kind of accountability might create.
Someone we tell might also be really upset on our behalf. Hopefully, if and when that’s the case, they’re able to manage their own emotions around it without dumping on you, but even then, and even though it can feel very validating to have someone clearly understanding the gravity of what happened so empathetically, it might sometimes feel like something extra you have to manage. Here’s the good news: you don’t. You get to draw whatever boundaries around this you need or want to. It’s always okay to remind someone having big feelings like this in this situation that while you appreciate their empathy, you also are managing a lot as it is, and need them to rein it in with you a bit in general, or at any particular time.
You might also find that sometimes, during or after telling someone, you feel overexposed. That same vulnerability and truth-telling that can make us feel seen, something that can feel so good especially if we have been gaslit or have gaslit ourselves, can sometimes leave us feeling too seen. Living with other people knowing you have been abused or are still in abuse can feel really uncomfortable, even though it usually makes us safer. You don’t owe anyone you’re telling anything more than what you want to tell them, so if there are particular things that have happened or are part of your abuse that you just don’t feel ready to share or live with having been shared, you don’t have to tell them those things yet or even ever. Again, you can also always create boundaries, like giving yourself some time and space alone from who you have told when you need it.
There may be other objectively appropriate and even good reactions that leave you feeling some kind of way: people saying they believe you because they always had a feeling but didn’t say anything or telling you they never liked the person who abused you; saying they aren’t surprised; pledging vengeance; encouraging you to take next steps, even. Know there’s never a right or wrong way to feel, even to the good stuff, and that in your healing journey, many things can be confusing like this. Again, sometimes just knowing ahead of time that even the good responses won’t always feel good can help.
Who’s next?
Once you’ve told one person, everything that’s just been outlined in this series is something you can wash, rinse and repeat: you can go through this kind of process for each and every person you want to talk with, tailoring each conversation to your needs and each person you are telling.
Who you choose to share some or all of this with, and for what reasons or purpose, is totally up to you, and will be based on both your individual wants and needs and on your individual limits. Disclosing to even one person can be a lot, even when you have a great experience with it and leave a conversation much more supported than you started. Telling people about your abuse is emotional labor, and just like all labor, emotional labor takes energy, a finite resource, especially when you’re doing this kind of lifting. So, you’ll also want to sort out a pace that feels manageable for you when it comes to telling more people. Feel free to give yourself as much or as little time in between as feels right for you.
Because you have asked whoever you talked to to keep what you’re telling them confidential, you shouldn’t feel any pressure to tell more people — or to tell anyone you are talking to any more than feels right — until and unless it’s right for you. It may be that you need to tell some people sooner than you might otherwise like because of things like a dire need to get out of your living situation to get away from the relationship, because of an impending legal process of some kind, or because you want to keep people from doing anything that further puts you in danger: in that case, again, you’ll just decide based on your needs. Know, too, that you can always ask people who have responded well to your disclosure to ask if other safe people in their own circles can help you out: they can then tell those people for you so you don’t have to go through more of the telling process to get help if that feels like too much.
There may come a point at which you want to tell more people, but just can’t manage the whole process of telling people individually. In that case, a group email might feel like a good fit. Just be aware, again, that it’s very easy for people to share an email with others, including to some people you may not want to see it, so you probably want to make an email like that fairly brief and basic: you can choose to fill in more details with individual people later as you deem fit. You can also tell more people indirectly by, again, asking someone you have already told to help you do some of the telling, like by talking to people you both share a connection with.
As you talk more and more to the people you disclosed to — either in one initial talk, or in continuing to talk with them over the following days, weeks or years —it will usually become pretty obvious what each person’s capacity and level of understanding is, mostly based on how you feel after talking with them. If you feel supported, it’s probably because they’re being supportive. If you don’t, it’s likely because they’re not.
The more people you tell and who handle it well, and the more you can build the reliable and strong support network, the better you can position yourself to leave abuse if you haven’t yet, start or continue healing, get help and support moving on, and build the kind of social culture that will help protect you better from abuse moving forward. <3
