Your Sexual Fantasies Reflect the Diversity of Human Sexuality, Not a Moral Failing

Some recent visitors to Scarleteen’s direct services have asked questions like “I have fantasies about things I shouldn’t be thinking,” “I am worried that my fantasies mean there is something ‘wrong’ with me, and my friends have told me that I need to find ways to stop having them,” or “I’m worried that if I mention liking these things to anyone…they’ll see me as a horrible monster for wanting to do these things.” 

These concerns about sexual fantasy⁠ (sexual fantasy: An idea, thought or pattern of thoughts and/or ideas that creates or enhances sexual feelings.) come from a place of fear. 

Fear about not fitting in. 

Fear about doing something wrong. 

Fear of exploring sexual and cultural identity⁠ (identity: The defining character or personality of an individual; who we feel like we are as a person.) . 

These fears come from a society that makes people feel bad, or even punishes them, for sexuality, period⁠ (period: The fluid – or flow – which contains blood, from the shedding of the uterine lining usually at the end of each menstrual cycle. Sometimes periods may be less fluid and more globby; this is the state that is often mistaken for blood clotting.) . That goes double for sexuality that society has decided is “abnormal,” which often looks like queer⁠ (queer: In the context of sexuality, a broad term for sexual orientation that can describe any number of orientations which are not heterosexual. People who identify as queer may be bisexual or pansexual, gay or lesbian, questioning, asexual or more.) sex⁠ (sex: Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. ) , trans sex, sadomasochism, or anything else that differs from a heterosexual⁠ (heterosexual: Someone who is only or mostly emotionally and sexually attracted to people of a different sex or gender than they are themselves.) expectation. In fact, a lot of historical research uses terms like “deviant” or “paraphilia” to describe fantasies the researchers considered abnormal, a reminder that science is only as neutral as the people doing it. 

Fantasies are not a reflection of anyone’s moral character. People who claim they are often do so because they want you to feel sexual shame, guilt, or remorse. Fantasies give us room to play, explore, and consider, inside a very safe container: Our own minds. They are an important and active part of our overall sexual and reproductive healthexternal link, opens in a new tab. They are also extremely commonexternal link, opens in a new tab. Fantasy jump-starts arousal for many peopleexternal link, opens in a new tab, whether they are fantasizing on their own or sharing with a partner. In fact, sharing fantasies with a partner is quite commonexternal link, opens in a new tab, and researchers in a 2026 study noted that those kinds of fantasies can be “nurturant,” making a relationship⁠ (relationship: An ongoing interaction or association with another person, place or thing.) stronger. That goes for other forms of communication⁠ (communication: Various ways we express ourselves to others, such as through speech, written words or symbols, sign language, body language, touch or art.) and building trust, too. 

The human imagination can take us to many interesting places. Much like dreaming, fantasies help us process information and learn more about ourselves. They’re a form of self-expression and exploration; maybe someone is having thoughts about their gender⁠ (gender: Characteristics that are seen or presented as distinguishing between male and female in a society. Gender may or may not include assigned or chosen: social roles, feelings, behaviors and/or presentation or appearance.) or the gender of people they want to be sexual with, for example, and fantasies are a helpful way to work through them. Some can involve thoughts people don’t intend to act out⁠ (out: Short for ‘out of the closet’. When someone’s LGBTQ+ identity is known to other people.) and may not be interested in talking with anyone about. Others are about things people might want to do in real life. Exploring fantasy about those things gives people a safe way to try them on in their heads and see how they feel, which helps them make decisions about whether they want to actually do them or not.

Fantasies can contribute to personal growth. People recovering from abuse⁠ (abuse: Purposeful harm or mistreatment of another person, which can be verbal, emotional, physical or sexual. An ongoing pattern or cycle of such mistreatment or harm can characterize an abusive relationship.) or processing tough emotions, for example, may use fantasy to relearn their bodies and sense of desire⁠ (desire: A feeling of wanting something. In the context of sex or sexuality, desire can be a feeling of a physical and psychological want for any kind of sex or way of being sexual.) . If the thought of being sexual, touched, or talked to in certain ways makes someone tense up, imagining those things in a setting where they set your own pace and stop without pressure can be part of the healing process and help them establish boundaries for themselves and others.

Getting real about sexual fantasies

If you’re troubled by the places your brain is taking you, it’s important to think about a few things: 

• the difference between fantasy and reality
• the cultural pressures that make us feel like some fantasies are inappropriate or wrong
• who benefits when we feel ashamed and shut down

Let’s start with the difference between fantasy and reality. This may seem obvious, but it’s important to sit with the fact that fantasies are not real. 

Fantasies are not actually happening to people in the real world. They are taking place entirely inside your or someone else’s head. That includes things that come to mind unprompted as well as things you consciously think about—perhaps after consuming sexual media, having a really great date, or seeing someone you find attractive and imagining being sexual with them. When you dream about riding a pink unicorn⁠ (unicorn: Until recently, a mythical one-horned woodland creature. In the context of sex and dating, someone an established couple, and usually a couple made of a cisgender man and woman, is seeking to add as a third for sexual play or as an ongoing partner.) on your way to pitch in the World Series, you understand that’s not actually going to happen, right? (Right?) The same holds true for imagining a sexy evening with a celebrity or character in your favorite book, or thinking about someone you passed on the street who has beautiful eyes. 

Society tells us to view any sexual fantasies beyond a heterosexual partnership, romance, a white picket fence (and homogenous white-picket-fence-style sex), and a couple of kids as wrong. Many of us are taught from an extremely young age that this is how things should be, with a focus on sex for procreation and very limited enjoyment, rather than being about pleasure, connection, and fun. That pressure shows up in many religious traditions, political rhetoric, media, and family dynamics. You’re probably surrounded by it without realizing it, and may unknowingly echo it in your own relationships and beliefs, including those about your fantasies. If you’re thinking about things that lie outside this cultural norm, that might make you feel uncomfortable, but that’s about what society is telling you. There’s nothing intrinsically bad or dangerous about, for example, fantasizing about sex with someone of the same gender or imagining yourself being spanked by someone larger and stronger than you. 

When you stew over a fantasy in private, you can ultimately harm yourself. You might experience depression, anxiety, shame, and other feelings that aren’t good for you and interfere with your friendships and your relationships. When the things you are thinking about make you feel ashamed and shut down, that doesn’t just limit your self-expression, but your avenues for talking about and processing fantasies. Sometimes sharing a fantasy within a relationship dynamic can open up an opportunity to try something new and learn about each other, or to think about changes in your sexual or gender identity⁠ (gender identity: A person’s own sense of whether and in what sense they feel they might be a man, a woman, neither, a mixture of genders, or another gender entirely.) . And if a fantasy is troubling you, you gotta talk to someone about it, not keep it bottled up inside; that’s what resources like therapists and our direct services are for.

Bringing fantasy to life

If you’ve dreamed of being an astronaut, so you decide to pursue a STEM degree and get on the path to astronaut training, that’s taking a fantasy into the real world. If you think about how fun it would be to win the lottery and buy a ticket now and then, you’re taking a shot at making that dream real—even though we hope you know the odds are seriously stacked against you. And if a sexual fantasy interests you, whether in solo or partnered sex, you’re thinking about your sexuality, and possibly considering it in new ways, so you might want to make it reality. 

For some, fantasies can become a way to explore parts of themselves that they want to learn more about. We hear from lots of people, for example, who ask if fantasizing about having different genitals⁠ (genitals: Body parts that are generally, culturally, scientifically or personally considered to be external sexual or reproductive organs.) , being a different gender, or expressing their gender in different ways makes them trans or gender nonconforming⁠ (gender nonconforming: People who do not adhere to or who protest cultural rules or norms about dress, behaviors or activities for people based on their sex.) . The answer there is “it depends.” Some trans people do start exploring their gender identity through fantasy that may extend into the real world as they test the waters. Some cis people enjoy gender play in their fantasies or sex lives, and that doesn’t mean they’re trans. And it can be hard to tell which is which, or let yourself just relax, if you’re stressed out and feeling ashamed about those fantasies. 

Fantasies may be a place to think about power exchange; cross-dressing; wondering what it might be like to dress up in latex or leather; which genders you might want to be sexual with; sexual experiences you want to try; and any number of other things. Sometimes those are preliminary thoughts that interest you and turn into something you want to pursue in the real world. Sometimes, they’re just things you like to think about. Either or both are okay—as long as in the real world, those experiences are affirming, consenting, and everyone is having a good time. 

Many of our readers who think that fantasies are wrong, gross, or harmful are simply talking about the diversity of human sexuality without knowing it. They’re thinking about things like various sexual positions, sensory play, sex with multiple partners, being sexual with people of a variety of genders, and role play. Those are all things you can, if you want, take into the real world, whether on your own—for example, exploring different sensations while you’re masturbating—or with someone else. Talking about these things can be good for your relationship or might help you find a partner who’s interested in the same things.

In a 2020 study, for example, around a third of participants said they fantasized about consensual nonmonogamyexternal link, opens in a new tab, and of those, 80 percent wanted to take those fantasies into real life. When they did, many said the outcome was positive: Having that fantasy and bringing it up with a partner enhanced their connection and sex life. The study illustrates that a fantasy many people think of as taboo is actually pretty common, and that it may be beneficial.

If someone isn’t interested in taking a fantasy into the real world with you, they can say no, and they don’t need to explain why, although sometimes that conversation can help you understand a partner a little better and find other ways to enrich your relationship. They might also say “not right now” and pick up the conversation later. If this happens over and over again, you feel like a partner isn’t really listening to you, or you’re in a “barely there” sexual relationship, that might be a cue to step back and have a conversation about where you both want the relationship to go, and whether that relationship is serving both of you. Sometimes your fantasies may reflect frustration or unhappiness in a relationship that no longer feels right for you, and talking through that is the only way to address it.

There are certainly times when a fantasy isn’t harmful, but also isn’t one that you should share with the class. 

If you are fantasizing about someone in particular who’s in your social circle and you’re not already sexual with them, think carefully about whether they would be receptive to a conversation about that, or if it would make them uncomfortable. And a better starting point might be asking that person out on a date or inviting them to get to know you better, rather than jumping to describing your fantasy, unless you’re in a space or have a kind of relationship where you know that would be welcomed. If there’s a power imbalance between you, no matter which side of it you are on, it’s probably not appropriate to discuss your fantasy—and in some cases, that could be considered sexual harassment⁠ (sexual harassment: Unwanted and inappropriate sexual attention from someone. Includes suggestive gestures, language, or touching.) , which may violate the law or workplace/school policies. 

Not all fantasies are completely benign. If you’re thinking about harming other people, like if you’re having fantasies of raping anyone, or sexually humiliating someone in a context that’s not about consensual role play, those are obviously not things you should take into real life. Convincing yourself that you’re a bad person and not talking about them won’t resolve them, though. They could reflect internalized beliefs like misogyny or racism⁠ (racism: Prejudice, discrimination and oppression based on race/ethnicity or perceived or assigned race/ethnicity.) that you need to address in other aspects of your life, not just your fantasies. Or, if they are causing so much distress that they interfere with your daily life or relationships, you definitely need to address them with a mental health professional.

Feeling anxious, upset, or stressed out about fantasies? That’s when you need to talk to a counselor or therapist. They’ve heard it all, and they are here to help you, not judge you. Simply trying to suppress them or chastising yourself for them won’t help you process why you’re having them—they’ll just make this cycle worse and worse for you, and could even turn them into a fixation you just can’t shake.

How do I get off this ride?

“How do I stop?” is always a heartbreaking question to hear from young people struggling with intense feelings about their fantasies. By focusing so much energy on stopping, they can actually find themselves making it worse. Thinking about fantasies and the shame you feel constantly just keeps them top⁠ (top: In sexuality, this is someone who wants to take the/a lead during sex with a partner or partners, or to consensually take the role of being in charge of sexual actions.) of mind. And often, again, the things that they are fantasizing about are usually part of the human sexuality spectrum, not harmful, and not evidence of some kind of pathology. If you’re fantasizing about giving or receiving oral sex⁠ (oral sex: Use of the mouth, lips or tongue for sexual stimulation. Cunnilingus (“going down on”), fellatio (“blowjobs”) and analingus (“rimming”) are some common kinds of oral sex.) , for example, that’s one of the most common sexual fantasies, it’s something a lot of people do and enjoy, and it’s nothing to police yourself about.

Focusing on how to stop, rather than why you feel this way, is basically putting a bandage on something that might hide it for a little while, but won’t ultimately resolve it. The fantasy may be about something deeper in your life that’s not being addressed, whether it’s feeling disconnected from a partner, craving touch, questioning⁠ (questioning: Having questions about or actively exploring one’s gender identity or sexual/romantic orientation with the aim of finding out more.) your identity, or processing shame from religious or cultural upbringing. 

People asking how to stop fantasizing can instead ask themselves why they want to stop, and what about those fantasies upsets them. Consider some questions like:

• Does your fantasy make you uncomfortable because you think taking it into real life might hurt yourself or someone else, whether emotionally or physically?
• Is your fantasy about something you know will hurt someone else, such as nonconsensual sex, physical abuse, or child abuse, even if you have no intention of acting it out?
• Does your fantasy conflict with what you have been taught or believe about sexuality? 
• Does your fantasy scare you in some way because it’s making you question what you think you know about yourself, such as bringing up feelings about gender and sexuality?
• Have you shared it with someone else who has been unkind, or heard people talking about fantasies like yours with mean or judgmental comments? 

These are all very different things!

Sometimes it helps to work with a therapist, specifically one who focuses on inclusive sexuality, to talk this through, and coming prepared with your questions and thoughts about them can be a great start to that conversation. A therapist can help you sift through your fantasies and the underlying feelings you have about them. That conversation can build a healthier, kinder relationship to your fantasies and the people around you. 

Shedding the weight of shame, guilt, and confusion about your fantasies will also be a huge boost to your mental health. And if a fantasy truly is harmful in some way—which, again, is extremely rare—your therapist can help you with that too, and that will also benefit your personal, social, and professional life, just like other steps you take to manage your mental wellbeing.