T4T sex and feeling euphoric

The relationships⁠ we have with ourselves and our bodies are, really for all of us, the longest relationship⁠ (relationship: An ongoing interaction or association with another person, place or thing.) we’ll ever have. For some transgender⁠ (transgender: Describes people who find that the gender applied to them because of the sex they were assigned at birth is incorrect.) ⁠ folks, this can usher in an added element of complexity to the already confusing process that is growing into our sexuality. 

Through this process of growing up and into ourselves, we begin to learn about our preferences and desires.  Those can be sensations that feel good, comfortable positions, things we enjoy, and so much more. Regardless of gender identity⁠ (gender identity: A person’s own sense of whether and in what sense they feel they might be a man, a woman, neither, a mixture of genders, or another gender entirely.) or sexual orientation⁠ (sexual orientation: A term – like homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, queer, straight, lesbian, gay, asexual – used to describe a person’s usual or current pattern of emotional, romantic and/or sexual attraction to other people as it relates to or is about gender.) , everyone’s individual preferences are both theirs uniquely, and likely not uncommon. For trans folks, some of those dislikes, including “no touch areas,” may be tied to higher emotional stakes, meaning if someone experiences dysphoria from being touched in a certain place, or in a certain way, it can be activating. Just like anyone who has experienced a trauma⁠ (trauma: A serious or critical physical and/or emotional injury or physically and/or emotionally painful experience.) relating to their body, non-approved touches, words, or expressed fantasies can sometimes lead to feelings of discomfort or anxiety. These are two things no one may want to experience during sex⁠ (sex: Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. ) , but are also things many people do experience during sex at least some of the time, especially when it’s new or with a new partner⁠ (partner: In a sexual context, a person with whom someone is having some kind of sex. The term “partner” can be used for all kinds of relationships, not just serious ones. “Partner” can also mean the person someone is with in a romantic or familial partnership.) . 

A common misconception about engaging in sex with or as trans, nonbinary⁠ (nonbinary: A gender identity that is outside the gender binary. Enby is the phonetic spelling of “NB,” and is a shorthand word for nonbinary.) , or otherwise gender⁠ (gender: Characteristics that are seen or presented as distinguishing between male and female in a society. Gender may or may not include assigned or chosen: social roles, feelings, behaviors and/or presentation or appearance.) -nonconforming people is that there is a “right” and a “wrong” way to touch each other. Some people may assume that the way you identify is a good enough signal about how you like to be treated and touched, a sentiment that could not be farther from the truth. Just like everyone you meet has their own interests and perspective on the world outside of sex, our sexual⁠ (sexual: About or relating in some way to sex or sexuality.) desires are something that, to know, we all need to be asked and ask others. Contrary to what many of us have heard from TV and movies about what makes “good sex,” there is actually no one right way to have it! For more information on what it actually means to be “good in bed,” I recommend Heather Corinna’s “What Makes Someone Good in Bed?”

I noticed that you specifically asked about non-dysphoria-risky activity. Unfortunately, when engaging sexually with others or even just ourselves, there’s really no way to get around the possibility of emotions coming up. Instead of trying to outrun dysphoria, think instead about nurturing trusting sexual environments. Allowing the intimacy of trust to act as a safety net helps to avoid discomfort, center pleasure, and prepare for dysphoria if it enters the room.  

I think that conversations about likes and dislikes, fantasies and dreams, limits and boundaries, and our experiences with dysphoria are all by far the best way to do all of those things. Conversations like these—ongoing conversations to have over time as your needs, wants, and relationships to your body change—have sometimes (often in media representations) been made out⁠ (out: Short for ‘out of the closet’. When someone’s LGBTQ+ identity is known to other people.) to be the second most awkward talk, right after a “birds and bees” discussion some of our parents grit their teeth through, and many of us didn’t even get. The good news is, this conversation doesn’t have to be that way (and by and large, in real life, it actually isn’t). In reality, conversations with partners about all of these things can be fun, increase our emotional bonds, and even be pretty hot ;).  

Even though there is no perfect path to follow that will ensure pleasure and allow you to avoid dysphoria for everyone every time, there are some activities, positions, and ideas I’d like to share for my fellow trans and NB people. 

First and foremost, I suggest you spend time with masturbation⁠ (masturbation: Ways that people seek out and/or experience sexual pleasure by themselves, without a sexual partner.) . Solo sex is a great way to discover those preferences I mentioned earlier, and to get to know your own body enough to share what you’ve learned with your partner⁠. So, take some time to recognize what your own body and mind respond to the most, the least, and what kinds of sensations you enjoy. 

Here are some questions you might ask yourself: 

• Where on my body do I enjoy being touched?
• Do I like softer or stronger touches?
• Do I have any “no touch” areas? If so, where are they?
• Are there any sensations that make me feel connected to my gender? Or alternatively, sensations that make me feel disconnected to my gender?

Now, you can try some fantasizing. If you imagine yourself having the kind of euphoric, exciting, and still safe and comfortable sex that you want with and for your partner, what does it look like in your mind? Try and let go of what you may think sex should look or feel like, and just start to notice what your brain automatically draws you into. 

While you let your imagination run wild, some questions you can ask yourself are:

• What do I like to be called during sex (if anything)?
• What do I like my genitals⁠ (genitals: Body parts that are generally, culturally, scientifically or personally considered to be external sexual or reproductive organs.) or other body parts to be called?
• Do I like to be on top⁠ (top: In sexuality, this is someone who wants to take the/a lead during sex with a partner or partners, or to consensually take the role of being in charge of sexual actions.) , on bottom⁠ (bottom: Either a colloquial term for buttocks or even the whole genital area, or someone who wants to consensually relinquish control or active leadership during sex to a partner and follow their lead.) , switching, or something else?
• Am I completely naked, or partially clothed?
• Am I wearing a binder⁠ (binder: A garment designed to create the appearance of a flatter chest by compressing chest tissue.) , packing, tucking, etc.? 

If you feel compelled, it can often help to write these things down so that you can refer to them later (and or show your partner), but it also works to just let these things live in your head until you need to pull them out. 

Consulting both our “Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist” and “Well, F*ck Me! It’s a Scarleteen Zine!” can assist you with this part. 

In the event that activation does come up, it’s important to listen to your body or partner and potentially take at least a brief pause to reevaluate where you want to go. It can, of course, be difficult to advocate for yourself in the moment for fear of “ruining the mood,” but not communicating about where you’re at won’t take you out of that place. If you know shutting down can be a risk, talk to your partner before you get intimate. For both of you, it’s always better to pause and check in if you’re feeling unsure about how you or the other person is feeling. Sex is also not a linear path. You are allowed to start, stop, initiate, and pause as much as you need. Moving from a sexual space to a sensual, intimate, or romantic⁠ (romantic: Of, or relating to, intimate or passionate love or interest.) place can also ease you back into openness without a hard stop. This could look like just kissing⁠ (kissing: Pressing one’s lips against someone else’s lips or some other body part to express affection and/or to seek out or provide sexual pleasure. May also include the tongue.) , over-clothes touching, cuddling, or talking until you feel ready and eager to continue, if you in fact do.  

Now, on a safer sex⁠ (safer sex: Practices which aim to reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections, such as use of latex/nonlatex barriers, regular testing for infections and limiting the number of sexual partners.) ⁠ note, just like the risk of dysphoria, regardless of gender identity, pregnancy⁠ (pregnancy: The state of carrying a developing embryo or fetus within the uterus. Medically, someone is considered to be pregnant when an egg has been fertilized by sperm, cells divide, and the fertilized egg is implanted within the lining of the uterus.) ⁠ (and STIs) are risks that engaging in sexual activity increases your vulnerability to. When engaging in sexual activity with someone with another genre of genitals to you, it’s always good form to ask if they use any birth control⁠ (birth control: Any number of methods people use to intentionally prevent unwanted pregnancy, including the condom, the cervical barrier, the implant, the patch, the pill, the rhythm method, the ring, the shot, the IUD, spermicide and withdrawal.) ⁠ regularly, and if not, what precautions they typically take to ensure safer sex. Too, no matter what genitals you have, the risk of STI⁠ (STI: Sexually transmitted infections: illness, infection and/or disease which is often or can be transmitted through sexual or other intimate contact, like HIV, Chlamydia or Herpes. Some people call STIs STDs.) transmission is always in play. If you would like to learn more about safer sex planning, please visit “Getting Birth Control May Be Easier Than You Think!,” “Birth Control Bingo,” and “Testing, Testing: All About Getting Tested for STIs.”

To recap, there really is no one way to ensure that T4T sex, or any sex for that matter, is always pleasurable and without risks, including the risk of discomfort or anxiety, for those involved. The best way to find out what will be pleasurable for you and your partner is to first, learn what you like, and then, ask your partner. Learning about and consenting to sexual activity is also, for the record, a lifelong process. So, instead of planning for one conversation, plan for the learning, sharing, and undoubtedly changing, to be an ongoing practice. As always, the best way out of the confusion is through.