As a cisgender woman, part of my conservative (and far less than comprehensive) introduction to sex and dating education was that the sexual desires of cisgender men were to be feared. Men were only interested in one thing, sex, and men, I was taught, wanted it all the time.
This rhetoric about the sexualities of cisgender men isn’t exclusive to conservative circles. It has been pervasive all over the place for decades, even in the medical profession and scientific literature. But the truth is that the more that we learn about things like hormones, and the particular brain-body connections that can be involved in attraction and the desire for sex, across all kinds of bodies, the more apparent it becomes that this is only another artifact of our pervasive cultural gender binaries.
These stereotypes – which is very much all they are – have ramifications for those of all sexual and gender identities. As a cis woman married to a cis man, my expectations about my partner’s sexuality were formed by these stereotypes. When my husband actually wasn’t interested in having sex all the time or wasn’t ready when he walked in the door, I assumed that it was a problem and that the problem was me. He assumed it was a problem and that the problem was him. In reality, the problem was with neither of us, and it wasn’t even really a problem at all. But anxiety about desire, attraction and performance can impact both your sex life and your relationship.
Our struggles can be traced back to the stereotypes and myths about cis male sexuality that have a firm hold in our society, so I consulted some experts and scientific research to do some mythbusting.
MYTH: More testosterone equals higher or more frequent desire for sex.
We often think of libido in terms of hormones. Traditionally, testosterone has been thought of as a “male” sex hormone, and estrogen as a “female” sex hormone, even though both hormones exist in most bodies. “The idea that testosterone is a male hormone comes from outdated science when early endocrinologists assumed separate chemical essences for masculinity and femininity.” says Tim Lagman (he/they), Resident Sex Educator for pjur lubricants, “Testosterone helps with brain function and building bone and muscles, [and] to call it a ‘male’ hormone ignores how it works with other hormones.” Those of all genders and sexes, including intersex people, produce both testosterone and estrogen, just in different amounts. The amounts of these hormones people of all bodies have not only often varies from day to day and life phase to life phase, but also can have variations due to genetics, age, health conditions, lifestyle choices, and stress.
While hormones like testosterone do play a role in sexual desire, they only are part of the picture. And, contrary to popular belief, higher testosterone levels don’t necessarily equate to higher sexual desire or the desire for more frequent sex. In 2024, researchers published a studyexternal link, opens in a new tab detailing how they measured the testosterone levels and reported sexual desire of 41 adult males for one month. What they found was that higher testosterone did not significantly correlate to higher sexual desire. The report concluded: “These findings corroborate prior research in suggesting that men’s sexual desire requires only a threshold amount of baseline testosterone above which testosterone changes do not reliably affect desire.”
MYTH: Men think about sex all the time.
Ever heard the myth that men think about sex every seven seconds? If men truly were thinking about sex that often, they wouldn’t have time to do anything else. This myth was debunked years ago in the Journal of Sex Research. A 2011 studyexternal link, opens in a new tab of 283 cisgender college students resulted in a 18.6 median of thoughts about sex for men and 9.9 for women per day. The lead researcher, Dr. Terri D. Fisher, was disappointed with the media’s focus on this statistic, however, because she felt the study revealed more about the vast range present in sexual desire in both men and women than it did about gender differences. She later wroteexternal link, opens in a new tab,
If the headlines had to focus only on men, they should have been ‘college men think about food and sleep as much as they think about sex’ or ‘college men think about sex between 1 and 388 times a day.’ The message that I hear from our data is that people are quite different from one another in terms of their frequency of thoughts about sex. Although on average, the men in our study did report more thoughts about sex than did the women, many of the women reported more sexual thoughts than many of the men.
MYTH: Men are ready for sex at all times.
The belief that sexual desire is distinctly different between cisgender men and cisgender women (or cisgender men and everyone else), if not “opposite,” has spawned a lot of bad metaphors. When it comes to readiness for sex, a conventional metaphor is that men are microwaves and women ovens, indicating that men are ready to go quickly, while women take a while to warm up for sexual intimacy. The truth is that both desire and readiness for sex is very individual. “There’s … a wide range of [libido] and sexual preferences within every sex and every gender.” says Suzannah Weissexternal link, opens in a new tab, sex therapist and resident sexologist for Fleshy, “Some cis men, for instance, may be on the asexual spectrum and barely crave sex at all — and some cis women may crave sex multiple times a day.”
Myths such as these, however, can lead cis men to feel inadequate or that there is something innately wrong with them or their level of desire for sex. For cis men, this can lead to lowered self-esteem, feelings of shame or embarrassment, less satisfaction in sexual intimacy, and relationship conflict. If their partners have also bought into this stereotypical version of male sexuality, they likely may have unreasonable expectations that may also result in feelings of inadequacy.“ To expect cis men to always be ready for sex as normal is toxic and harmful.” says Lagman, “Expecting cis men to always be ready for sex can pressure them to perform on demand.” Performing on demand, rather than when ready for sex, can lead to lowered sexual satisfaction, affect relationship connection, and cause stress and anxiety. This is similar to how men’s partners may feel pressured to fake an orgasm during sex because they feel like having an orgasm is what is expected of them. This can have similar effects on sexual and relationship satisfaction.
What can affect libido in cis men?
Many sex education experts are looking to reshape how we perceive sexual desire. Dr. Holly Wood, PhD, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, emphasizes with her clients that the common idea of a “sex drive” doesn’t even truly exist. There simply is no such drive, and that’s not a good way to try and describe sexual desire, for anyone. “Unlike hunger or thirst—which are biological drives necessary for survival—sexual desire is better understood as an incentive-motivation system.” she says, “This means that libido doesn’t just ‘exist’ at a constant level; it’s shaped by internal and external factors, including physical and mental health, relationship dynamics, and sociocultural conditioning.”
While stereotypes would have you believe that cis men are ready and willing to have sex at all times, the reality is that, like those of all genders, most cis men will experience periods of time when they don’t have high desire or the desire for frequent sex. Here are some of the key factors that may impact libido (and not just for cis men, either!):
Mental health
“Mental health is a big factor when it comes to sexual desire. Depression, low self-esteem, fatigue, anxiety, and chronic stress have been shown to directly lower libido.” says Lagman. Depression has many symptoms that can impact an interest in sex, including lowered self-esteem, anhedonia, or disinterest in activities that you used to enjoy, and physical symptoms such as pain that can make sex less enjoyable. Chronic stress can also result in higher production of the hormones cortisol and adrenaline, which can result in lowered testosterone levels, reduced or lackluster feelings of sexual arousal, and changes in how the body sexually responds. Researchers have found connections between anxietyexternal link, opens in a new tab, depressionexternal link, opens in a new tab, PTSDexternal link, opens in a new tab, and stressexternal link, opens in a new tab and lowered desire for or interest in sex.
Medications
Medications for health conditions such as depression, bipolar disorder, diabetes, high blood pressure, and others can have the side effect of lowered libido.
Other chronic medical conditions
Thyroid and adrenal gland disorders can result in hormonal changes in the body that can also impact sexual function and libido. Parkinson’s disease, Multiple Sclerosis, diabetes, high blood pressure, coronary artery disease, and chronic liver and kidney disease are other conditions that all have lowered libido as a possible impact.
Cultural messaging about masculinity and sexuality
Cis men have usually been subject to cultural messaging about what it means to be masculine in and out of the bedroom for their entire lives. This can have a very real impact on their sex lives. When cis men believe that their sex drive should mirror the “always ready to go” stereotype, and they don’t actually feel that way, feelings of anxiety, shame, and inadequacy can result. Myths perpetuated by toxic masculinity can also make it difficult to have conversations with partners about sexual dysfunction and what they actually desire during sexual intimacy or to turn down sex when they aren’t interested.
Body image and self-esteem
Lack of confidence can have an impact on sexual response and the desire to have sex. Not feeling comfortable with how your body looks or performs during sex can reduce interest in sexual intimacy with a partner. It can also result in stress and anxiety that will further impact interest in sex and how a person experiences sex and sexual response.
Relationship factors
For cis men in relationships, the health of the relationship will have an impact on interest in sexual intimacy. Conflict or communication problems with a partner can impact cis men’s sex drive, just like it does for cis women. Cis men also want to feel desired, safe, and respected in their relationships. The ability to have open communication about what you desire from sexual encounters (and what you don’t want at any given time) also can lead to more physically and emotionally satisfying sexual intimacy. And this can include all types of intimacy, not just intercourse. Weiss notes that, “the better the sex you are having, the more you will desire it — so if you think you have a low libido, you may just not be exploring your sexuality in the way you desire most.”
Everyone might experience times when their sexual desire is lower, and it is important to recognize that these ups and downs do occur, because libido can be affected by a number of factors and is also very individual. Internalizing myths about cis male libido also can impact sexual satisfaction and relationship health if you feel like you are constantly trying to measure up to expectations. If you do feel dissatisfied with your personal level of sexual desire or how your body is responding to sex, scheduling a visit with your primary care physician to discuss potential physiological causes may be a good first step. Meeting with a licensed therapist or psychologist can also be extremely helpful if you are experiencing struggles with your mental health, body image issues, or want a safe space to unpack the effects of cultural messaging.
