How to Play With Toys: Dildos

These versatile sex toys are typically used for insertive sexual⁠ (sexual: About or relating in some way to sex or sexuality.) play, but can also double as external stimulators, gender⁠ (gender: Characteristics that are seen or presented as distinguishing between male and female in a society. Gender may or may not include assigned or chosen: social roles, feelings, behaviors and/or presentation or appearance.) -affirming aids, and even as accessibility tools during solo and partnered play. 

Despite being one of the most beginner-friendly toys, because there are so many different styles, sizes, and shapes, buying  one can often feel overwhelming. Ahead, a guide to demystify dildos. 

Why dildos? 

What does it do?  Dildos are sex toys made for insertive play. Meaning, they are intended to fill, stretch, or otherwise stimulate the vaginal or anal canals. 

Some dildos are harness⁠ (harness: A garment that holds a packer, dildo, or other sex toy against the wearer’s body. (strap-on)) -compatible, meaning they have a flared base or a specific design that lets you outfit them with a strap-on harness and position them at the pelvis for hands-free intercourse⁠ (intercourse: When people interlock their genitals and move together as feels good to them for the purpose of sexual stimulation and/or reproduction.) . (There are also thigh, mouth, boot, and hand harnesses for kink or more accessible play.) 

Other dildos feature a suction cup base, which you can use to secure the toy to a surface (e.g., shower wall, chair seat, mirror), keeping it in place as you move with or against it. 

Some dildos also vibrate and can be used for internal or external vibration. There are also dildo⁠ (dildo: An insertive sex toy usually made from silicone or rubber. ) -shaped thrusting toys that provide a motorized, hands-free in-and-out motion—which allow for stimulation with less effort. These are often known as thrusters. 

What body part or parts is it for use with? Dildos’ primary purpose is to be inserted into the body’s openings, including the vagina⁠ (vagina: The internal passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus.) or anus⁠ (anus: The external opening to the rectum, located between the buttocks.) . Some find it gender-affirming to wear the dildo in a harness and stroking it, or having a partner⁠ (partner: In a sexual context, a person with whom someone is having some kind of sex. The term “partner” can be used for all kinds of relationships, not just serious ones. “Partner” can also mean the person someone is with in a romantic or familial partnership.) use their mouth or fist on it.

The elongated shape of the pleasure products makes them optimal for teasing or reaching a variety of external erogenous zones⁠ (erogenous zones: Various areas of the body with a greater number of sensory nerve receptors than other areas, which people may find particularly sexually stimulating.) , such as the inner thighs, butt cheeks, outer labia⁠ (labia: On the vulva, both inner (labia minora) and outer (labia majora) sets of skin with sensory nerve endings which surround the vaginal opening.) , perineum⁠ (perineum: The general region of the body between the anus and the testes or the anus and the vaginal opening. Some people call the perineum the “tain’t.”) , penis⁠ (penis: One of the two external reproductive organs of people often assigned male at birth.) , or nipples. Indeed, the length of dildos can allow pleasure-seekers with chronic pain or disabilities to stimulate parts of their body they may not be able to stimulate without it. 

What’s it feel like?  That depends on factors like the material, size, and unique shape of the toy—as well as your own pleasure receptors and preferences. Commonly, dildos are made from smooth silicone and shaped like a torpedo to deliver feelings of fullness, or stretching, when used internally, or pressure or teasing when used externally. 

The internal vaginal canal has multiple nerve-dense clusters, such as the shallow G-zone and deep A-spot, which some people with vulvas report being sensitive to touch. Curved, squat dildos can apply pressure to the former, while long dildos with a bulbous tip are well-suited for stroking the latter. 

Meanwhile, the anal canal has many nerves along its opening and length, which some people use anal safe, dildos with flared bases to stroke. People with prostates—that’s most people assigned male at birth—may enjoy the sensation of a dildo gently pressing or vibrating against the prostate. 

Dildos made from harder materials, such as stainless steel, are denser and heavier than other dildos, making them better suited to delivering pressure to the internal erogenous zones. While silicone can have a tacky feel on the skin, these hard-material variations feel silky and smooth. Steel and glass are also thermally conductive, which means they can also feel cool or warm, and be used during sensation play. 

Quick facts

What materials is it made of?  Most dildos are made from silicone, a body-safe material that feels similar to skin. Some are crafted from firm silicone, which gives them a more structured feel, while those made from liquid silicone are squishier and more closely resemble the hand feel of biological penises. 

There are also dildos crafted from ABS plastic, stainless steel, and borosilicate glass, which are harder, smoother, and provide more glide-y, slide-y sensations. Their heft also makes them uniquely suited for applying pressure. 

Is it loud?  Non-motorized dildos are going to be totally soundless aside from the wet noises that can occur with adequate lubricant⁠ (lubricant: A fluid used in order to make kinds of sex (such as masturbation, vaginal intercourse, anal intercourse or manual sex) more pleasant and comfortable, and/or to help prevent condoms from breaking by decreasing friction.) usage—a normal part of toy play. Motorized dildos, however, do make sounds when they are turned on and when they are vibrating or thrusting. Some are as quiet as a buzzing phone, others have a more noticeable tenor.  

Is it beginner-friendly?  Yes! Dildos are a versatile sex toy, which makes them well-suited for learning about your pleasure preferences. That said, dildos are available in a wide variety of shapes, lengths, and girths. 

Most people who are new to sex toys—and especially those new to intersertive intercourse more broadly—would be wise to start with a smaller, slimmer dildo that’s under five inches long and 1.5 inches around. However, more experienced users can opt for one about as long and thick as what you’re comfortable with. If you’re planning to utilize the dildo as an extension of your hand, a longer dildo will also be preferable. 

Additionally, if you’re potentially interested in exploring anal for the first time, be sure to opt for an option with a flared base, which ensures that any backdoor play will be safe. 

Do I need anything besides the toy to use it?  The most important thing is a bottle of store-bought lubricant. Unlike butt plugs, which go in and stay in, dildos are designed to be moved in and out⁠ (out: Short for ‘out of the closet’. When someone’s LGBTQ+ identity is known to other people.) of your body. Without proper slickness, this motion can feel uncomfortable at best and friction-y (think: rug burn) at worst. A squirt or three of store-bought lubricant helps the toy slide against—rather than stick to—your erogenous tissues, making the experience safer and more satisfying. Water-based lubricant is usually best, as it is compatible with silicone sex toys, as well as latex barriers. 

If you want to have strap-on sex or use the toy in a hands-free way, you’ll need a harness. Harnesses come in many styles, sizes, and materials, but the two most common types include underwear and strap style. Underwear-style harnesses look like boxers or briefs, offer more coverage, and can be worn under clothes. Meanwhile, strap-style harnesses use adjustable straps around the hips and/or thighs for a more secure fit and usually allow for more skin-to-skin contact. 

You may also need condoms. Sheathing your dildo with a rubber can make clean⁠ (clean: In a sexual context, usually a word used to suggest a person doesn’t currently have anysexually transmitted infections. That term, however, stigmatizes people with illness. Less stigmatizing choices are “negative,” “clear” or “STI-free.”) -up easier, allows you to switch between anal and vaginal use within the same session without requiring a trip to the bathroom, and is advised for sharing the dildo with your partner. 

Is it safe? 

Yes, dildos are safe so long as they are made from body-safe materials and used on the body parts they are intended for. 

Silicone, ABS plastic, stainless steel, and Borosilicate glass are all body-safe materials that can be disinfected after use. Toys made from any other material can trap bacteria and cannot be fully sanitized, thus increasing the risk of irritation and infection⁠ (infection: When harmful microbes, or germs, or harmful levels of microbes/germs, enter the body and multiply, causing illness. The common cold, flu viruses, sexually transmitted infections, chickenpox, impetigo, rabies and diphtheria are some kinds of infections.) . 

If you’re interested in exploring the pleasure-potential of your bum, a flared base is a must. The flared bases keep dildos firmly outside of the anal canal so they can’t slip out of reach. These bases can be ball-shaped, flat, wide, or designed as suction cups, and they also give you something to grip for better control during play, too. 

Worth noting: There is a misconception that vibrating toys can desensitize your genitals⁠ (genitals: Body parts that are generally, culturally, scientifically or personally considered to be external sexual or reproductive organs.) and ruin sex for you thereafter. But vibration cannot damage your nerve-endings. Sometimes a lengthy session with a vibe can cause a temporary tingling sensation, akin to your foot falling asleep. But that numbness will resolve as soon as your erogenous tissues become less engorged and your body returns to its non-aroused state. 

How can you keep it clean?  Dildos made from body-safe materials can be cleaned with warm water and fragrance-free soap. There are also designated sex toy wipes that can come in handy if you don’t have easy access to a sink. 

If your dildo vibrates, you’ll want to avoid entirely submerging it to protect the motor. Instead, wash the parts that come into contact with your body, and keep the charging port or battery compartment dry. However, most non-motorized, nonporous dildos standard dildos can be fully soaped and submerged. 

No matter the material, be sure to let the toy air dry thoroughly before storing it. Most dildos come with cloth or satin storage bags that help keep the toy dust-free between uses. 

How to use it? 

Can I use it alone? There’s no wrong way to use a dildo—as long as you’re not putting a toy without a flared base in your bum and you’re listening to your body’s boundaries. 

Using a dildo during masturbation⁠ (masturbation: Ways that people seek out and/or experience sexual pleasure by themselves, without a sexual partner.) can help you explore your body’s preferences, including whether you enjoy internal vs. external touch, which angles feel best, and whether you like steady pressure, slow movement, or another rhythm altogether. 

A dildo can also help you build comfort with insertive sex, experience fullness without needing a partner, or explore forms of gender euphoria⁠ (gender euphoria: Significant joy or comfort with one’s biological sex, gender identity, or expression.) . For example, some people feel affirmed when accepting a phallic-shaped toy into their body, while others feel affirmed by wearing the toy in a harness and engaging with it as if it were part of their body.

Can you use it with a partner? If so, how?  Yes, dildos can absolutely be utilized during partner play. In fact, doing so can invite new sensations, encourage communication⁠ (communication: Various ways we express ourselves to others, such as through speech, written words or symbols, sign language, body language, touch or art.) , and enhance feelings of intimacy and heightened connection to partnered play. 

Exactly how you and your partner(s) choose to use the toy will depend on your mutual preferences, comfort levels, genders, and what feels exciting or affirming for everyone involved. 

The dildo doesn’t need to stimulate all people’s genitals at the same time for it to “count” as partnered play. Many people enjoy using toys with their partner, even if only one person is receiving genital stimulation. 

With that, exploration might involve: 

• One partner using the toy with their hand on the other(s).
• One partner wearing the dildo in a harness for hands-free play. .
• Using the toy to tease external erogenous zones, such as the nipples, neck, thighs, butt cheeks, and outer genitals.
• One partner suction-cupping the dildo to a surface and putting on a show for the other(s).
• One partner wearing the dildo and stroking themselves during a mutual masturbation⁠ (mutual masturbation: When sexual partners masturbate together. Sometimes people also use “mutual masturbation” to mean manual sex (fingering or handjobs) done at the same time.) scene⁠ (scene: A term which refers to sexual scenarios or roleplay enacted during sexual play and that reinforces the idea that there is a start and stop point to them.) .
• Turning two dildos into a double-sided dildo with a dual-ended suction cup for simultaneous feeling of fullness. 

Communication is key for figuring out which way(s) you and your partner will most enjoy using a dildo together. Take some time to talk through what sensations you are each seeking with and without the dildo, as well as who will be holding, wearing, or otherwise maneuvering the dildo. You should also talk about how you’d like to refer to the dildo. Some people like to call it “the toy” while others prefer language like “my dick”, “your cock”, and so forth. 

The body is most receptive to intercourse when you’re already aroused. So, be sure to spend time leading up to usage with kissing⁠ (kissing: Pressing one’s lips against someone else’s lips or some other body part to express affection and/or to seek out or provide sexual pleasure. May also include the tongue.) , massage, nipple and chest stimulation, hand play, oral, and more.  

And don’t skimp on lube. Lubricant reduces friction, supports comfort, and helps your body stay responsive to the sensations you’re inviting in. Opt for a water or oil-based lubricant if your dildo is made of silicone, as silicone sticks to itself so that that silicone lube will degrade the toy. But if you’re using a condom⁠ (condom: A thin sheath or tube of latex or another material, worn over the penis during sex to prevent or reduce the risk of pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted infections.) or other latex barrier at any point during play, stick to a water-based option as oil breaks down latex and thus interferes with effectiveness⁠ (effectiveness: How well something works.) . 

Where to get it? 

Is there something I can find at home?  Chances are you won’t find a true dildo substitute laying around your junk drawer or pantry, as dildos are made from body-safe materials, are shaped to safely insert into your hole(s), and consider details unique for sexual use (like a flared base for anal safety, smooth surface for easy entry⁠ (entry: In a sexual context, when a kind of sex involves someone putting one body part inside the body part of another person, such as with intercourse. Some people use the word “penetration” instead.) , tapered tip for easy entry, and rounded edges for comfortable movement). 

Many household objects aren’t safe for sexual exploration as they can be porous, suboptimally shaped, rough, or impossible to clean. That said, there are some things you can DIY for different sensations, so long as you take proper precautions. 

If you’re curious about exploring feelings of fullness, you could use your fingers. You could also cover a cucumber, zucchini, or similar-shaped vegetable with a condom for vaginal insertion. Meanwhile, if you’re curious about the sensations provided by a vibrating dildo, try using the rounded, dull end of an electric toothbrush or razor over a few layers of clothing. If you want to learn what angles or pressures of touch you respond well to, the palm of your hand and pillow can teach you a lot. 

Where can I get it?  You can purchase a dildo from any reputable sex toy retailer online or in person. Most sex shops default to discreet checkout and shipping, using a neutral-sounding business name on your credit or debit card statement and packaging that doesn’t reveal what’s inside. But if discretion is important to you, check the retailer’s privacy, billing, and shipping pages. 

You can also pay in cash in person. Just keep in mind that some retailers have an age restriction on sex toys and may ask to see an ID at checkout. (A quick call to the shop or info desk, or a perusal of the website, will help you find this info.) 

What do they usually cost?  Dildo prices vary widely, based on things like material, size, features, and quality. You can find beginner-friendly, no-frills silicone dildos for under $25 to $50. The vibrating variations of these kinds of dildos will cost more, especially if there are multiple intensity or pattern settings. 

Dildos made from skin-like, dual-density silicone, stainless steel, or borosilicate glass can range up to $200, depending on their size, shape, craftsmanship, and design. You’ll also notice that added features—like a suction-cup base, realistic balls, or harness-compatible bases—typically increase the price as well.

How should I pick the right one for me?  The best dildo for you will depend on factors like your pleasure preferences, budget, and type of exploration you’re interested in doing. 

A good first step is to rule out any dildos made from porous materials, and to only look at those made from silicone, ABS plastic, stainless steel, or borosilicate glass. If you’re brand new to dildos and unsure which material is best for you, silicone is a great entry point as it’s softer, flexible, and generally feels less intimidating than harder materials.

Next, narrow your options further by considering how you plan to use it, as that will determine which details you need to consider. If you plan to use the aid anally, make sure the toy has a flared base. If you want to use it hands-free—either solo or to put on a show for a lover—select one with a review-backed suction cup. And if you’re looking for a dildo that vibrates, or can double as an external vibrator⁠ (vibrator: A sex toy that, true to its name, provides stimulation by vibrating. They come in every imaginable shape, size, and color, and can be operated by regular batteries, electrical cords, or rechargeable batteries (like a cell phone.)) , make sure it’s motorized. 

You may also want to think about visual or aesthetic preferences. Some people like a plain Jane dildo with no bells or whistles, balls, or bumps. Others are actively turned on or affirmed by options that look like anatomical phalluses, with features like realistic heads, veins, or balls. And many people enjoy toys that look completely non-human, such as dildos shaped like tentacles, horns, dragon tails, or fists. (Keep in mind that highly textured dildos are not optimal for beginners due to the intensity of the sensations from textures.) 

Finally, consider length and girth. If you’re brand new to insertive play starting with something under five inches long and less than 1.5 inches around will likely be most comfortable. If you’re more experienced, choose a dildo similar to the sizes or shapes you already enjoy—or are curious about exploring.