It might sound weird to you, but people can experience physical sexual arousal even in situations where it’s the last place you’d expect it.
We sometimes hear from users who are feeling upset or confused because they felt sexually aroused—turned on—when they were uncomfortable or unhappy, when they didn’t even want what was happening to them to be happening, or in settings where a physical sexual response is usually considered inappropriate. Arousal might happen, for instance, when someone experiences sexual assault or harassment or views media with nonconsensual or activating content. Our visitors also sometimes say they experience physical arousal in settings where the context is not sexual, such as during a medical appointment or while being patted down at security. Maybe arousal has happened to you when you weren’t sure how you felt, or when you were excited but then decided you wanted to stop, or when you were just trying to navigate a routine life task that had nothing to do with sex at all.
Your brain and feelings don’t have to be 100%—or sometimes even 1%—in agreement about or into whatever is happening for arousal to happen. I know that can be hard to wrap your head around, especially if you know the struggle of trying to get your body to cooperate when you do want to be physically aroused, and are in the mood!
In particular, some people who’ve experienced unwanted arousal say they feel ashamed for having a physical response, sometimes even an orgasm, in a sexual assault or harassment situation. They believe that they must have secretly “wanted it,” even though that’s not likely true. Unfortunately, some are getting that message from the people around them who say things like, “Well, it must not have really been rape, then,” whether talking about their situation or something that happened to someone else.
The (Very Short) Guide to Physical Sexual Arousal
Arousal and sexual response are really complicated, and there are a lot of different models for thinking about them; we have a primer on this very topic, although it’s primarily focused on consensual sexual situations. You might also find it helpful to read “With Pleasure,” Heather’s overview of sexual anatomy that covers a lot more than genitals; while this is positive and pleasure-focused, it does discuss some of the biological mechanisms that can be at play when people experience physical sexual arousal when it’s not wanted or feels uncomfortable. Both provide useful information about the incredibly complex processes involved in arousal and response, including the fact that every body is different and there are a lot of reasons why we might experience arousal responses (or lack thereof) in a variety of scenarios.
Many factors can influence arousal, ranging from stress that makes it hard to feel like you are in the moment to just being around someone who makes you feel good. Sometimes something you find very arousing one day is a total turn-off the next, or you try out something you were excited about but it’s just not for you, at least right now.
You can also get aroused when fear and other intense emotions activate your “fight or flight” endocrine system, which sometimes makes your body go a little haywire because it’s trying to protect you. Some people who have survived abuse and assault may also experience a connection between fear and a sexualized response. This can feel scary and very unwanted, and know that it may be your body and mind’s survival response, and that therapy and other tools can help you address it.
In other words, arousal is very situationally-dependent and evolves over time. Being excited about something on a given day or with a given partner doesn’t mean you’re excited about that thing forever and ever. The converse is true as well! And having an unexpected sexual response reflects your involuntary nervous system’s own mysterious workings, not something wrong with you.
When Your Body and Your Brain Don’t Agree
Mismatches happen! Sometimes your brain and your body work together: “Yes, please, I’m having fun, let’s go!” At other times, they might be in disagreement: “I don’t like this and want to stop, why am I getting an erection?” “I am really enjoying myself and want to keep going, but I’m suddenly hypersensitive to touch and this sensation no longer feels good” “My doctor is performing a routine examination and I feel a weird little zap.”
Think about times you might have reacted involuntarily or in a way that felt weird in a setting other than a sexual one. If you’ve ever been tickled, for example, your body may have responded by twitching, feeling tingly, smiling, or laughing. Sometimes, tickling makes people faint, or lose control of their bladder. Some people even experience involuntary sexual arousal. That’s an automatic response from your nervous system that you cannot control! I think we can both agree that there’s nothing to be ashamed of there. Especially if someone keeps tickling you after you say “stop” or are clearly uncomfortable; that person is violating your consent.
Sex researcher Emily Nagoski specifically describes the sensation of being physically aroused (for example, your heart rate increases, you feel very sensitive to touch, your genitals may be swelling, you might feel flushed) when your brain is not feeling the same way as “arousal discordanceexternal link, opens in a new tab.” (Emotional discordance doesn’t just happen in this realm: Have you ever laughed or smiled awkwardly at something that isn’t funny or something that made you nervous?)
She notes that lots of things can be “sexually relevantexternal link, opens in a new tab,” activating the parts of your brain that associate something with sex and activate a physical response, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are sexually appealing to you. This is part of why some people experience an unwanted physical response to sexual assault or harassment, whether it is unwanted genital contact or sexually explicit remarks in the workplace. Stressful situations like these can also active a fear response, which may send similar neurochemical signals through your body because fear is exciting in a neurological context and your body is gearing up to respond. These situations are sexually relevant, but likely are sure as heck not appealing and you are not consenting! That’s arousal discordance.
If you experience a physical response in a situation where you are not consenting or you are uncomfortable with what is happening, your body’s response still does not override your consent. This is why you’ll hear sex educators get real surly when people suggest that a wet vulva or an erection are consent all by themselves; they aren’t. If you don’t want to do something, what you say goes, and people should respect you, full stop. If someone violates your consent, that is not okay, regardless of what your body might be doing.
Sexually relevant experiences could include reading a news story about rape, moderating explicit content, or reviewing an illustration of genitals for scientific accuracy. Sexual relevance can happen when someone is touching your body in ways you associate with sexuality in settings where the context is not sexual, such as the doctor’s office. Some of our visitors also experience feelings of conflict when they interact with sexual media that they think is “bad,” whether it’s because people in their lives told them that sexual media isn’t okay, they’re intrigued by a theme but feel like it’s not socially acceptable, or they are interacting with harmful content, such as revenge porn. This can happen with sexual fantasies that people may feel conflicted about, or intrusive sexual thoughts that are very much unwelcome too.
This can be an embarrassing feeling, but, again, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. If you’re activated by this response, take a break, whatever that looks like for you; ending a conversation, closing the page, taking a walk, doing some circular breathing. Fixating on feelings like this tends to make you feel even worse!
When it comes to settings where arousal is considered to be socially, culturally, or personally inappropriate, such as while receiving a massage or going to physical therapy, these reactions can stress you out, but you should know that people who work in these settings know that sometimes involuntary physical arousal can happen. You can ask to pause or continue to another time if your provider is not aware of what’s going on in your body; you can just say you’re feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated. If your provider is aware, politely acknowledging it and asking to take a pause is the appropriate and respectful approach to the situation.
Be aware that in this situation, it’s important to be respectful of the boundaries of the other person in the equation; they aren’t viewing this interaction as sexual and asking them to be sexual with you would overstep a boundary. As long as you’re being respectful as a person, you don’t have to worry about your body overriding that.
If you’re on the other side of a situation where someone’s body is reacting to a sexually relevant situation with arousal, know that the only way to know if someone wants to be sexual is not what their body is doing, it’s if they express an interest in being sexual. You can ask if someone would like to take a break or stop for the day, change the topic, or, if you might feel reciprocally and the setting is appropriate (for example, this isn’t a professional interaction), acknowledge the situation, and check in with them. You can also assert your own boundaries: For example, many people find massage sexually relevant and sexually appealing, but if that wasn’t agreed upon before you started, you can stop or terminate the session if someone says they want to be sexual with you and you do not.
Navigating these feelings can be tough and the best way to work through them is to explore them on neutral ground; a therapist can be really helpful for allowing you to explore your feelings in a safe place. They may have advice and tools that can help in the moment or help you navigate trauma and distress. It’s really easy to get stuck in a loop that ends nowhere good that might make you nervous about being in situations where you might have an involuntary reaction, so it’s important to acknowledge these parts of yourself rather than trying to make them small.
Here’s the bottom line: Sometimes your body has a response that may read as “feels good” when you actually feel bad or conflicted about what’s happening, or you’re engaging in something that is sexually relevant but not sexually appealing. Your body’s physical arousal doesn’t negate your feelings. These responses aren’t uncommon, and I hope that this article helps you feel less alone if that’s happening, or has happened, to you. We offer support through our direct services if you want someone to talk to about these feelings!
