Content note: This piece is intended for readers old enough to use dating apps, or younger users who are just curious about how they work or who want some food for thought for when they are of age to use them. For reasons which are likely obvious, we encourage everyone to mind age restrictions on apps and to save app use for when you have the same legal agency as everyone else using them.
For meeting new sexual or romantic partners, dating apps remain a very popular option. They have roots in personal ads, text-based posts that people would place in print newspapers and magazines as far back as three centuries ago when looking for prospective partners.
With the dawn of the internet, these ads began to be posted online by the mid-1990s. Kiss.com arrived in 1994, with Match.com a year later. Online personals applications in alt-weekly papers were prevalent in the ’90s and 2000s, and sites like PlentyOfFish and OKCupid debuted in that same time. The apps we’re most familiar with today, like Tinder, Grindr, and Hinge, arrived in the late 2000s or early 2010s.
There are now over fifteen thousand dating apps and websites currently operating. They range from general services used by millions of people to more niche operations targeted to particular religions, sexualities, gender identities, professions, or interests. At first, many of them were oriented only or mostly to casual sex, but over time they expanded to help meet the needs of people who are looking for everything from hookups to long-term relationships.
It’s safe to say that dating apps are still extremely popular. In fact, one 2024 studyexternal link, opens in a new tab found that about two-thirds of college students used them, and they’re used by people all around the world to find potential new partners.
But dating apps can be a real minefield. For every safe and successful hook-up or happy long-term relationship that comes out of a dating app, there will be lots and lots of stories of endless swiping, ghosting, breadcrumbing, benching, and orbiting. They can also be a lot more work than they may appear on the surface. Dating apps present different challenges for different people, too. From dilemmas about whether to use an LGBTQ+ specific app or a more general platform, to safety concerns, to whether to mention a health condition or disability in your profile, using dating apps can be tricky.
But whether you’re thinking of trying them for the first time or getting back on there after some time away, here’s our basic guide to navigating dating apps.
Are dating apps right for me?
Dating apps can be fruitful. According to research from 2024external link, opens in a new tab, one in 10 adults — and one in five under the age of 30 — in a romantic relationship met their current partner through a dating site or app.
They can be particularly useful for people who don’t like approaching potential dates in person, want to meet more people outside their usual social circle, who aren’t located in densely populated areas — or who are queer or trans and don’t live somewhere with a lot of other queer or trans people — or who spend a lot of time at home and don’t have as many opportunities to meet potential dates organically.
Apps are convenient. Most have free tiers of membership, and it’s easier, and often more effective, to spend a few minutes at a time swiping while relaxing at home or riding the train than it is to go out and approach people IRL. Many apps allow you to filter potential matches, too, so you’re only shown people who are in the groups you want to date, be that based on distance, gender, age, relationship model, or other criteria.
There are also some potential downsides, and apps just won’t be a good fit for every person or phase of life. For every successful date or hook-up, there will be plenty of conversations — and often many — that fizzle out early on. You may start to feel burnt out from the constant conversations with new matches and conversations that flare up and then don’t go anywhere, often not even resulting in a first date.
There have also been reports that the algorithms some dating apps use are racially biasedexternal link, opens in a new tab, particularly against women of colour, and present particular safety concerns, like harassment, fetishization, and racist or colorist discrimination. Similar concerns have been raised about how LGBTQ+ people are treated on dating apps, with individuals experiencing issues including harassment, coercion, and catfishing.
Dating apps can also be used as platforms for financial abuse, too: scammers often build (false) trust before they request money or personal details from you.
Safety, of course, is always going to be a worry. While dating apps can be useful in that they allow you to get a feel for potential dates from the safety of your own home before meeting them in person, there’s still the possibility for people to not be quite who they say they are, or to use your profile for nefarious purposes.
To make it easier, here are our pros and cons in bullet form:
Pros:
- Convenience and ease of use
- The option to filter potential matches
- Lots of different platforms to choose from
- Free and low-cost options
- You can gauge what people are like before meeting in person
- You can decide how much/what information to share
Cons:
- People may not be who they say they are
- Dating app burnout — when you’re tired of swiping or talking to matches and not getting anywhere
- Potential discrimination and algorithmic bias
- Risk of fraud or abuse
- Lack of emotional connection compared to a face-to-face meeting
Choosing the right app
If you’ve decided to try dating apps but you haven’t signed up for any yet, you might be trying to decide which app (or apps) would be best suited to you. And remember, you usually need to be a legal adult to use dating apps — almost all of them have strict age limits and policies stating that they’ll ban anyone they find to be underage.
Using most if you’re under 18 can put you in contact with adults who assume you’re an adult or could put you in unsafe situations, and it’s safer to avoid them until you’re older. They can also open you up to things like grooming from predatory adults who can figure out that you’re younger.
You’ll be able to find dating apps on your smartphone’s app store. Or, you could look online first to find an app that takes your fancy. You might also look for some reviews of the apps you’re thinking about first, to curated lists of apps, or ask friends and family which they use to give you a better idea of which to even consider. From here, their website or social media page will probably have an option to take you to the app store to download the app.
First, there are the biggest, most general apps. These tend to be aimed at people looking for relationships and sexual or romantic interactions, regardless of their gender or sexuality, or who or what they’re looking for. The biggest, most general apps tend to primarily be populated by both cisgender and heterosexual people, so if you’re not one or both of those, these may mean a lot more swiping and filtering for you than they might for someone else: just like IRL, the queer and trans communities in apps, especially general apps, are typically small. On these apps, as with most, you’ll usually need to make a profile with photos of yourself and a bio. Some apps will provide prompts, questions about yourself like whether you drink alcohol or smoke tobacco or whether you have or want children, to give potential matches more information about you.
Others offer a wider range of prompts you can answer if you like, such as asking you what your ideal weekend would look like or which famous people you’d invite to a dinner party. Some let you connect your other social media platforms, so people can see other photos you post or the music you’re streaming, if you wish to.
Then, there are hookup-based apps. These are similar, but aimed more at people looking for something casual and sexual. Generally, conversations here will move at a faster pace, and the profiles may not be quite as comprehensive — because people aren’t necessarily as likely to be looking for someone they have deep compatibility with.
Other apps are targeted towards a particular demographic. Some are aimed at LGBTQ+ or polyamorous people, some at people of color, and some at disabled people — these apps are generally used by people looking for either long-term relationships or more casual meetups.
Just keep in mind that using a dating app that’s aimed at, say, LGBTQ+ people doesn’t mean you won’t run into queerphobia or transphobia, or that you don’t need to take any safety precautions. If you’re meeting someone from an LGBTQ+ dating app, the usual safety advice still applies. It should go without saying, but remember that queer and trans people can be abusive or predatory just like cis and straight people, and abusive or predatory cis and straight people can still use those apps, too.
On some apps, you’ll be shown different profiles, and you can either click on them — typically, swiping left is a nope, and swiping right a yes — or scroll up to find out more information, before swiping or deciding whether to press the check or the cross. If you and the other person swipe right or both select the check button, that’s a match, and you’ll be able to talk to each other.
On others, you might see a grid of users nearby. Sometimes, you might be able to message them directly even if you’ve not matched, or you can tap a profile to show your interest. Each dating app will have a slightly different interface, so you might need to take a few minutes to familiarize yourself.
And remember, just because an app markets itself as being for long-term relationships, or for hookups, it doesn’t necessarily mean that people will use it for the intended purpose. Some people have found serious relationships on casual apps, and some people use more “serious” platforms for casual flings. If someone isn’t looking for the same thing as you, try not to feel too disheartened.
Different people may have different challenges
While navigating dating apps can be tricky for everyone, different groups of people might encounter different challenges. While this is by no means an exhaustive list, and some people will identify with more than one group, here are some of the extra considerations that people may have:
- LGBTQ+ people may be worried about safety, particularly if they aren’t out to everyone or live in a more conservative area. Fetishization is another issue — for example, heterosexual men seeking out bisexual women or trans women from a place of fetishism.
- People of color may also deal with fetishization or stereotypes, as well as outright racism or colorism. Racial bias in algorithms has also been reported, reducing the visibility of non-white users.
- Disabled people may be unsure how much to share about their health or be worried about the logistics of meeting up in person. It can be difficult to know when to discuss your access needs or any aids or equipment you use.
What to include in a profile
When building a profile, it’s important to take into account both what you think will make your dating app experience successful and both privacy and safety considerations.
It’s worth being truthful when it comes to the things you include, rather than giving a fake name or the wrong age. If you don’t want to give away too much information, you don’t have to, but there’s no harm in being upfront about what you’re looking for and giving people an insight into things like your hobbies and interests, music taste, favorite movies and ideal date night — and the prompts some dating apps offer can help with this. Better to simply not answer something than to answer dishonestly.
In terms of photos, consider clear photos so that potential matches can see what you look like. After all, most people will swipe in a matter of seconds, so those first couple of photos do matter. Some people avoid group photos, particularly if it might be tricky to work out which one you are, and it’s a good idea to avoid photos including children or other minors or any with identifying information, such as your street name or work or college lanyard, for safety reasons.
It should go without saying, but being offensive in your bio won’t go down well. Likewise, being overly negative or self-deprecating or going on long rants in your profile probably aren’t going to make people swipe right. Instead, consider adding some information about who you are and what you’re looking for. Keep things in your own voice, and keep your profile human — you want to give potential matches a glimpse into who you are and your life. It’s a good idea to avoid being too aspirational or curating your bio too much.
You don’t need to overthink appearing too cool or witty or intellectual for the sake of it. Being honest and open (as much as you’re comfortable with, of course) is the best way to go about things. And by all means, don’t use AI like ChatGPT to create a profile: to do best finding an actually good match for you, you’re going to need to be actually yourself.
If you’re part of a marginalized group, this might add another dimension to your considerations. Say you’re bisexual, but you aren’t out to everyone in real life. People might find out that you’re bi through your dating app profile if you mention it — do you include that you’re bi?
A bi man could set their profile so that it’s only seen by women, and not list his sexuality as bi — it’s entirely his choice. But then, he’d have to consider when he’d want to tell a potential date.
Likewise, a disabled person might be unsure whether to mention their disability, or how to do so. They may decide to make it clear through their photos, perhaps with a photo of them using a wheelchair or a cane, for instance, or mention it in their bio. Or, it might come out when talking to a match and planning a date, and trying to make the logistics work.
A person of color may decide against listing their ethnicity to reduce the risk of fetishization, whereas other people might be happy to go into the specifics, even if just to weed out people who might have an issue.
How should I handle difficult questions?
It can be difficult to know what to reply on dating apps, and sometimes even an innocuous question about favourite food or music can lead us to overthink a response. But you might find that people ask you questions you aren’t sure how to answer — potentially about a part of your identity like sexuality, gender, or race. It may well simply come from a place of curiosity or confusion, but even if somebody means well, it doesn’t mean you have to give them an answer you aren’t comfortable with.
If someone asks something and you aren’t sure what to say, you could try something like, “That feels very personal to me, I’d be more open to discussing it after we meet in person/a few more dates” or “Sorry, I’d rather focus on having fun tonight.”
You could be more clear that you’re setting a boundary if you think you need to, telling your date that they’ve asked a weird or invasive question, or that you don’t want to answer anything further. If someone is genuinely being curious as opposed to being invasive, they’ll respect it. If you do that and someone still presses on, not respecting your boundaries, your best bet is likely to just unmatch or stop talking to them. People bad with boundaries on apps are going to be bad with boundaries in person.
And remember, it’s great if you’d like to help your date understand more about something. But you shouldn’t feel obliged to. You’re a person on a dating app or on a date, not a walking encyclopedia. It’s up to you how much you’d like to tell people, and when you tell them.
Similarly, if someone asks if you’d like to add them on more general social media platform or continue the conversation over text, it’s totally fine for you to tell them you’d rather keep it on the dating app for the time being, This way, you can report them more easily if things go south, and you can keep them away from more personal aspects of your life.
Will I run into discrimination?
Unfortunately, it’s possible that you may experience discrimination while using dating apps. There will be other users, regardless of their own identity, who won’t want to date certain people. That’s their choice, and they’re entitled to date whoever they like, but that doesn’t make it any less disheartening.
This is one reason why you might consider making your own identity explicitly clear, if you feel it’s safe to do so — it’s a good way to weed out discriminatory people who can simply swipe left on your profile. This reduces the opportunity for potential heartache later on.
Of course, we can’t force people to date us if they don’t want to, regardless of their reasons. But if you encounter out-and-out discrimination or hate, like an abusive message sent to you, dating apps have functions allowing you to report other users. This way, you can help keep yourself and other people safe on these platforms.
Sometimes, discrimination can become outright dangerous. For example, there have been instances of homophobic people in countries including the UKexternal link, opens in a new tab, Australiaexternal link, opens in a new tab, and Ghanaexternal link, opens in a new tab of luring men on dates with fake profiles before attacking them.
Knowing when you’re ready to meet up in person
You’ve been exchanging frequent messages with someone and you’re thinking you might like to meet up in person — but how do you know when it’s the right time?
Consider the way they are when they’re speaking to you online. Do they come across as friendly and considerate, and like they’d respect your boundaries and what you’re cool with? Are they someone you think you might get on well with in real life as well as on a dating app or social media?
If you often find yourself wanting to message them, and feel safe and comfortable in their online presence, that’s a good sign. And if they’re someone you’d be happy to have in your life, whether as a partner, a date, or even just as a friend, it might be a good time to move things into the real world.
It’s also worth checking that you’re both after the same thing, whether that’s a hook-up, a long-term relationship, or something in-between. But no matter what, your comfort is extremely important. There’s no singular correct length of time to wait before meeting up in person, and it’s fine to take things slow if you prefer. You don’t owe anyone an in-person date, and the nature of the date — such as where you meet or at what time — should work for you as well as them.
Staying safe on dating apps
That brings us to safety, which is absolutely paramount when using dating apps. It’s better to miss out on a potential date than put yourself in real danger.
When you’re speaking to people you don’t know online, potentially then meeting up with them, there’s always going to be a degree of risk there. But you can reduce it by being mindful of the information you offer in your profile and your messages.
Some platforms give you the option to turn off your location or your “distance away” from other users if you’d prefer, and, as mentioned, it’s a good idea to consider the information that people could glean from your photos.
Catfishing is another risk. This is when someone creates a fake profile to hide their real identity, to manipulate others, or even try to scam them. Some people might ask for money, even pretending to enter a relationship with you before asking for money for an emergency or giving you false stories to encourage you to take pity on them.
Technological advancements in artificial intelligence mean that people can create very convincing photos and videosexternal link, opens in a new tab to make you believe that they’re legitimate, while others can take intimate images from dating profiles or even use AI to make innocent images on your profile look sexualexternal link, opens in a new tab and threaten to share them.
Be aware of fake appsexternal link, opens in a new tab, which mimic legitimate apps but are designed to install malware or spyware and access sensitive data. And, keep in mind that dating apps can hold a lot of data about you, which could fall into the wrong hands in the event of a data breachexternal link, opens in a new tab.
These are extreme examples, and they’re not necessarily common, but they are possible. Taking a little extra time to consider what you’ve got on your profile, and whether the person you’ve matched with or speaking to is who they say they are, is well worth it. If you aren’t sure about someone, you could always ask a trusted friend what they think. If you aren’t sure about them, it really isn’t worth the risk.
When it comes to actually meeting people, opt for a public, neutral venue but maybe one you’re familiar with. Try a popular coffee shop or park in the daytime, or a bar in the evening, so other people will be around you. Make sure you have a way of getting back home, too, be it your own car, public transport, or a ride from a friend.
It’s smart to share your location with a friend or other loved one, or at least telling them where you are and when they can expect you to arrive home — you could even give them a quick call if you go to the toilet, step outside to smoke, or your date has a quick break for any reason.
If you have access needs, you might like to discuss these before your date so you can make a plan that takes them into account. If your access needs are things your date might provide, like a ride, be sure you also have backup options if you need them.
A date might provide sexual opportunities, whether you went into things for a casual hook-up or you think it could be the start of something longer-term. Remember that you don’t owe anyone anything for their time, and you should only do what you’re comfortable with.
Safer sex, and contraception when relevant, are always recommended, too, to help prevent sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancy. Don’t be afraid to ask your date about safer sex and their STI status, and keep a supply of condoms and other needed barriers yourself. You might also choose to use pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) to decrease your chances of contracting HIV with some or all dates. It’s there to be used by anyone from a community or group that is most at risk of HIV, or people who have sex with people from those groups.
It’s always best to err on the side of caution, even if protection and contraception aren’t always the sexiest topics of discussion.
No matter how you use dating apps, make sure to stay safe. And have fun — dating should be exciting. Whether you’re asking a friend what prompts to use on your profile or what photos to use, or you’re joking around with your new match, enjoy it. As long as you’re not bullying anyone or being abusive, there’s no right or wrong way to date.
Don’t forget to take a break every so often, too. All that swiping and messaging can be a real time-suck. Make sure you’re keeping up with your real-life loved ones, too, and you never know, you might even find your next partner in person.
That said, you can certainly find love — or something more casual if you prefer — on dating apps. While they aren’t perfect, and there are things to keep in mind, it can be fun to use them and you might make some new connections.
