Elated by the idea of finding my one true love — or at the very least a one-night stand — the obligation of disclosing my need for a service dog, and possibly also my disability, sure hits me like a torpedo, sinking my hopes of a carefree 20-something-year old’s date night.
Tillie, my service dog, has had an extraordinary impact on all aspects of my life. After all, she very seldom is not right by my side. That’s kind of her shtick. She accompanies me on walks, to work, to eat, and even to sleep as: she is trained for nightmare interruption. However, this also means she is right by my side on dates. She — the four-legged third wheel as someone I’ve penned “Hinge Boy” dubbed her — has had an unanticipated impact on my dating life.
Service dogs are medical equipment. I explain Tillie as a pair of crutches at times. Despite not being a mobility device, she is a piece of medical equipment made all the cuter with her brown eyes and scraggly coat. Her snout is attuned to sniffing out my hormones, detecting the slightest discrepancy, and letting me know before shit really hits the fan, or worse, my body hits the ground. It is seemingly easy to explain as I just did it in a sentence. But is that really something I want to delve into before my date and I even meet in the comedy club parking lot? It leads to a lot of follow-up questions and I quite frankly do not feel like going through a medical intake form with Hinge Boys #1 or #2. Which leads me to the dilemma: “To disclose or not to disclose?”
I am generally of the opinion that communication is key in any interpersonal relationship, and especially so in my romantic ones. That opinion butts heads with my value of autonomy over what I choose to share and do not. However, the reality is that Hinge Girl or Hinge Boy will find out I have a service dog as soon as Tillie and I come strutting in a bright purple vest that reads “Do Not Pet M”’ and likely a jean skirt, respectively. I have found that best practice, for me, is to, in my most nonchalant texting voice, say, “By the way, my service dog will be joining me! All you have to do is ignore her.” Has that gotten me ghosted? Well, unfortunately yes, but in an effort to reframe, I would argue that a bullet was dodged. Tillie is the ultimate litmus test, weeding out all the bad Tinder contenders, and as it turns out, there are a lot of them.
I have collected all the green flags, and accidentally some of the red ones too, when it comes to dating with my service dog. Here are the criteria that I would consider if I got to do it all from the beginning again:
Does Not Distract
I have many things I would happily scream from the rooftops and one is, “Do not distract my service dog!” In my experience, people are under the impression that they cannot pet Tillie. Yes, that’s true. But, talking to her in a high-pitched voice, encouraging her to break her “sit” or “place” command, and giving her treats are all distractions, too. While Tillie is trained to ignore, she is a dog, not a robot, and distracting her can quickly become a medical episode for me, one that could have easily been alerted to and quelled otherwise. Trust me, future lover, it is better for all of us if you avoid messing with Tillie while she is vested. I have had a date bring her a toy, which was a very sweet attempt to win both her she and I over, but we waited until we were unvested and at home to play with it.
Asks the Right Questions
How personal of a question I am asked about my need for Tillie should vary based on familiarity and pace. People with disabilities or chronic conditions can carry a lot of internalized shame for needing the extra support to navigate our daily lives. There was a point where I was very resistant to having Tillie. Luckily, I have grown in accepting that she makes my world bigger and more accessible. That being said, early on, questions about Tillie’s purpose felt nearly embarrassing and so vulnerable to answer and, like a confession of sorts. I wish potential partners would avoid asking why I have her or at least avoid the phrasing, “What is wrong with you?” Instead, I prefer questions of support. Like, “Is there anything I can do to make this outing go more smoothly?” Tillie and I have been at this for a bit, and usually have it covered, but I appreciate that kind of consideration coming from a potential partner.
Educates Themselves Ahead of Time
As stated above, I don’t mind answering questions, but I’d sometimes prefer to keep my educator hat on the rack at home. I find it very charismatic when people have done their own research. For instance, one date I went on said he read up on the two questions public places could ask of a service dog team. For those that do not know, those are, “Are they a service dog?” and “What tasks do they perform?” I found that to be attractive and maybe something I think the general public should know too, not just the people trying to woo me.
Respects Accommodation Requests
When TiIllie and I first teamed up, I did not skip a beat in my dating life. I quickly found that restaurants were not our strongest places to begin working together at. Dining establishments threw a lot of food smells into the mix, when Tillie was just getting sure-footed on my scent and hormones. So, one way I could advocate for myself, my beginning relationship with my service dog, and my potential partner was by asking to avoid restaurants. Sometimes that looked like takeout on a park bench, and other times it just meant we got to engage in an actual activity together that wasn’t sharing a meal. So, one thing I’d say in all aspects of life, and certainly when dating with a service dog, is to advocate for yourself all date long, for all parts of a date, absolutely including any that just won’t work for you.
Navigates the Public
The public can be really poorly informed. A lot of people haven’t seen themselves as having a reason to know about how to (or how not to) interact with service animals, or what their rights entail. But, it only creates a safer and healthier world for everyone when we educate ourselves. Now, I have established that educating oneself ahead of time is quite attractive to me, and a piece of that is learning how to also navigate the public. It is not unheard of for a business to be misinformed, and at the very least, cut dirty glances at a task-trained team. However, I have found it most helpful when dates help me to just shake it off. When they make it feel like no biggie. We know our public access rights and, together, will not get discouraged. Again, this is just a personal preference for me, but maybe you and your service dog, too, want someone willing to stand up for you against sly remarks and glances. At this point in life, I do not always want to have to be an educator, and would rather just navigate the world with as much ease as possible, and have partners in that.
Dating with a service dog is not something I ever anticipated needing to navigate, but Tillie has taught me that the right people for me — for us! — will adapt, learn, and even grow alongside us. After all, she is more than a medical aid like a pair of crutches. Rather, she’s my companion, my safety net, and occasionally even my furry matchmaker. Every awkward disclosure, every ghosted text, and every curious question has made me more confident in both my boundaries and my worth. If someone can’t handle the vest, they don’t deserve the girl (or the dog) behind it. Tillie may be my four-legged third wheel, but she’s also my greatest reminder that love, like accessibility, should never ever require compromise.
