My boyfriend and I have started having different kinds of sex, but I struggle due to gender dysphoria and a fear of pregnancy. I started testosterone about two months ago, and I have recently developed an actual sex drive (for comparison, my ex that I dated for over two years dumped me because I wasn’t sexual enough for him). Because of my newfound sex drive, I have been interested in trying a dildo or something similar. I already have two external vibration sex toys, but I want internal penetration. My boyfriend kinda freaked out and said that he doesn’t feel comfortable with me using something like that, and he wants his penis to be the first (and only) thing to penetrate me. I would be ok with that if I wasn’t like a fricken dog in heat on testosterone, with the addition of a phobia of pregnancy. My boyfriend and I also don’t have any time to be intimate in general because of his overbearing mother and my busy schedule. I’m slowly going crazy, and I want to try a dildo badly. Any advice?
Hello Ray,
Getting started on T is super exciting, and I’m so happy for you! I hope it helps you feel more confident and joyful. It sounds like you have a lot going on here as you navigate your body and being sexual with your boyfriend. I want to address the things I’m picking up from your letter one by one.
The first is your fear of pregnancy. I recommend checking out Birth Control Bingo for inclusive information on contraceptive methods that can help you identify the right choice for you to reduce pregnancy risks. There’s a whole lot on the market right now and there might be some options in there that are new to you! You may also want to read up on T and fertility. The risk of pregnancy can feel big and scary, and getting grounded in some info may help you manage your anxiety a little better—and if it’s feeling like it’s really overshadowing your sex life, consider checking in with a therapist.
Next, let’s talk gender dysphoria. It sounds like you’re starting to notice some developments in your body and brain, like changes in the frequency and type of sexual activity you want to engage in. FYI, we don’t use the term “sex drive”—because there exists no such drive in the human body—but instead talk about sexual desire or, if you prefer, libido, which can and most often does change over time, including from day to day, in everyone for lots of reasons. Balancing sexuality and gender dysphoria can be hard sometimes, especially when you’re starting hormones or taking other big steps in your life. When it goes right, it can feel positively euphoric and affirming, but sometimes it takes a little practice to find what right looks like for you.
You’re making a good start with exploring what feels good on your own and identifying things you know you want to try. When you’re learning about what activates dysphoria or euphoria for you, taking it slow in a low-stakes environment without another person in the mix—even the most loving and supportive of partners—is a really good idea. You can always stop if you’re feeling uneasy and think about what touch does and doesn’t feel good; the language you want to use to describe your genitals; and what kinds of sex you want to be having.
You’re right on track with the next step, which is taking what you’re learning into a conversation with your partner, but it sounds like it’s not going as well there.
I’m glad you recognize that vaginal intercourse with a partner with a penis isn’t the only kind of sex in the world and that you’re thinking bigger when it comes to being sexual. However, I think it’s important—especially with the way your boyfriend is seeing things—to reframe the way we talk about this kind of sex. We don’t call it “penetration” here for a number of reasons, including the fact that “penetration” means “to pierce,” which doesn’t feel great. It implies both a sort of force and injury, which better describes sexual assault than consensual sex. This isn’t something that’s done to you by someone else, it’s something you do together and collaboratively; you are an active participant, and your vagina is not a passive receptacle, as you are discovering as you find yourself drawn to using toys internally. Whether fingers, toys, or a penis is involved, the vagina (and, btw, anus) is very active, complete with muscle movements and producing fluids.
Your boyfriend’s insistence that his penis should be the only thing allowed in your vagina reflects the same gross and patriarchal attitudes about bodies and sexuality that we worry about when we talk about why “penetration” is a bad term to describe intercourse or other kinds of sex where something is inside an orifice. We hear this kind of logic a lot from guys who have a big hangup about only penises allowed and have convinced themselves that any other kind of insertive intercourse is wrong. The “first and only” language you reference echoes seriously outdated, patriarchal, and controlling beliefs about virginity and purity, treating your body like something to literally be pierced or taken. You are not an acre to be claimed and implying otherwise is, frankly, rape culture. Suggesting that he is the only one allowed to have this kind of sex with you implies a sense of ownership of you and your body, and it is not okay. You do and should have agency as an active participant and instigator in sex, and any sexual partner should want that for you, too.
Talking to you like this is controlling: He’s trying to tell you what to do and how to feel in your own body, which is a larger relationship red flag. Does he make other comments or do things that are controlling, like telling you who to spend time with and where, or demanding that you account for your time? If so, this might be a good time for a relationship checkup.
He doesn’t get to call dibs on your vagina or any of the rest of your body, no matter how often you two are able to get together to be sexual, whether you’re in person or going digital, no matter how much interest you have in sex on any given day or time, because it is YOUR body, not his. Insertive intercourse with toys or fingers, whether on your own or with him, is just another kind of sex, and it sounds like a kind of sex you are interested in exploring. If you want to try using a toy designed for internal use, that’s entirely up to you, not him—although you can, of course, invite him to watch or participate, whether he wants to hold a toy or wear a harness to use a toy with you.
It’s time for a conversation with him to explain—even though you shouldn’t have to—that your body is your own, to explore in your own way and on your own time, although you also want to share it with him and greatly value the time that you are able to spend together. You wouldn’t tell him what kind of solo sex is okay for him to have without you—we hope!—and you are asking the same of him. It’s worth noting that using toys and fingers on your own for pleasure is an important part of your sexuality and learning about what you like, but also, it can help you have more intimate, enjoyable intercourse together. You may also want to point out that, given your fear of pregnancy, you’d like to explore insertive intercourse with him that doesn’t come with pregnancy risks because it’s more your speed for right now. And this doesn’t mean his penis gets left out of the party. Mutual masturbation, manual or oral sex, and toys designed for penises, like strokers, are options too.
The bottom line: Your body is your body, you deserve to explore and find pleasure, and your boyfriend should be excited about this new chapter in your life. My advice? Tell your boyfriend you’re going to go find a toy that appeals to you and give it a whirl, and you look forward to talking about how it went and, if you liked it, showing him or playing together the next time you’re able to be intimate. If he has feelings about this, they’re up to him to manage on his own, not put on you, and it’s not okay to try to control you and your body.
