I’m a very love-y affectionate person, and that’s a problem for me because I tend to do way more than I should for others.
I’m really bad at telling someone they’ve hurt me because I don’t want them to get upset, I very easily want to give my friends advice for their situations even when I don’t have the emotional capacity for it, and I often find myself not wanting to ask for anything from people.
Basically, I’m bad at being a little bit selfish and kind to myself. I want to get better and more comfortable at telling people when I don’t want them to do something or when they’re hurting me, and I want to be able to say ‘I can only do so much’ to my loved ones; I’m just not sure where to start. I know that ‘I’ statements are important, but I want the energy and confidence for that. :(
Hey there, Emily!
This is a tough place to be for caring and empathetic people like you. It can feel mean or selfish to set some boundaries around your life or speak up for yourself, but it is not either of those things. You deserve to be respected and cared for in your friendships, and it is important to communicate clearly about what that looks like for you. You are going to live a happier, fuller, and healthier life by protecting yourself and your heart. You will also have deeper, more lasting friendships. Caring for yourself sets you up to do better by yourself and anyone you’re in relationship with.
Setting boundaries is also an act of kindness to others, even if it doesn’t always feel that way. Sometimes friendship is hard, or we learn something about ourselves that is troubling, or we have to have tough conversations. That’s part of how we grow as humans. Communicating boundaries lets people know they are hurting you. If they’re a good friend, they should want to stop doing that. It can also help them discover their own boundaries and think about how they want to set them in their own lives—sometimes having a healthy behavior modeled for you can be a real lightbulb moment. Also, candidly, being told about boundaries can give people guidance on how to treat other people and how to be a better person in general. Like, many people feel hurt when friends do things without them, and being told to stop doing that and be more thoughtful should hopefully spark a “Hey, maybe I shouldn’t do this to anyone, not just Emily.”
It is not your responsibility to parent your friends, but mutual accountability and care are important.
Something that might be helpful for you before you start thinking about how to express yourself to the people around you is to sit down and really think about your boundaries and capacities. Making a list can be really effective for thinking through things for yourself. Especially if you’ve been feeling overwhelmed and maybe even resentful, overlooked, or unsupported, your list can be kind of like a therapy session for you—a therapist is really helpful too if you have access!—because it lets you say these things to someone, even if it’s just your notebook.
That list can include general thoughts, like wanting to be included in activities, or very specific incidents that really upset you or continue to trouble you. It’s also a good idea to think about times when friends showed up for and supported you, how that felt, and what you want it to look like in the future. You might see some common themes emerging that you want to address in your friendships, or realize that you do have capacity for some things in the right context.
These might be blanket lines for you, like, “I don’t feel comfortable being asked to go between people who are having an interpersonal dispute.” Or they could be situation- and person-dependent, like, “I can’t keep going in circles with Alice about whether her boyfriend is cheating” or “Wednesdays are a really hard work/school day for me and I really just want to chill alone or do something low-key with my friends.”
If something upsets you, it’s not small or unimportant or silly and people shouldn’t dismiss it. For example, if you don’t like it when friends slam things around, and they try to say it’s no big deal, it is, in fact, a big deal: Being around people who are angry or express feelings in very physical ways like that can be activating or distressing for a lot of people and you’re not alone.
In some cases, though, if you feel like something is minor, you don’t understand why it upsets you so much, or your feelings seem disproportionate, it might be something you want to address with a therapist. This is especially true if you’re feeling constantly annoyed, because that ongoing state of irritation isn’t great for you or your friendships. Your feelings could reflect a deeper underlying thing that’s the actual problem and working through it could be really helpful.
Sometimes, it’s also just a good idea to sit with something for a bit before deciding whether you want to discuss it with a friend or just let it go. If you find yourself “just letting it go” over and over with the same behavior, or the same person, that’s a sign that you do need to raise the issue! But if it only happens once or twice, acknowledging that you’re frustrated and then moving forward can be healthier for you and your relationships.
It sounds like this has been building for a while, and you already know that bottling up isn’t working. Because your friends may not be aware of how much you’ve been staying quiet on, you need to have a few different conversations with different people, depending on what kinds of imbalances and concerns you have around your relationships with them. It’s a good idea to practice those conversations in the mirror, and, once you start opening up, with a trusted friend who’s receptive and supportive. It’s easy to get flustered or heated in the moment and that can make a conversation go sideways real fast.
If people are not kind to you when you set boundaries or stick up for yourself, they’re not good people to be around. It’s important to remember that true, real, good friends care about you, and they are going to be supportive and empathetic if you say that you need more space and support of your own. I know it’s scary to think about setting a boundary and having someone decide to cut you off or just ignore you, and you might be thinking, “Will I lose my friend group or cause drama?” Let me assure you that if speaking up for yourself makes people that unhappy, you are going to find friends who aren’t like that and you’re going to be so glad you did.
So, let’s start with people who are hurting you and those infamous I-statements, because you’re right, they are really helpful! I-statements are about how you feel, like “I feel sad when…” rather than more general observations, like “when you…, it is disrespectful.” Rather than trying to guess why someone is acting this way, you’re just telling them about the impact of their actions.
You also don’t need to soften your statements with caveats like “You might not be aware but…” “I’m not sure you’ve noticed but…” “I’m sure you’re trying, but…” “It would be really nice if…”
Think about clear examples and how they make you feel. Instead of “When you don’t include me in events, it makes me feel like you don’t want to be around me,” think “When you didn’t invite me to the movies with everyone else last week, and then Sady didn’t tell me everyone was going to the beach, it made me feel like you didn’t want to be around me. This happens a lot, and it makes me feel like you don’t want to be my friend.”
Someone might be upset to hear this! They may push back or try to say you’re making too much out of it. You can repeat that you are telling them how you feel and that you would like them to be more thoughtful in the future. You don’t have to have a whole in-depth conversation dissecting your entire friendship and if they want to do that, you can say “I expressed my feelings about this and I don’t think it’s helpful to have an involved conversation right now.” If it happens again, you can say, “Hey, remember how I told you back in July that it upsets me when people leave me out of events? You did this again when you didn’t invite me to go out for pizza, and it made me feel like you don’t want to be my friend.”
Think about things like this:
- When you say X, it makes me feel…
- When you do/don’t do X, it makes me feel…
- I have asked you multiple times to do/not do X, and you keep doing it. That makes me feel…
And about that advice and support…a friend who’s willing to listen and help out when you need advice or having a hard time is a good friend to have, but there needs to be reciprocity there. Your friends should be supporting you, too! And if you’re feeling like you don’t have the energy in the moment; can’t handle specific kinds of asks; are getting really tired of going over the same thing over and over; or just want someone to think about how much they rely on you and whether they can reach out to others in your network for help too, these are all good things to talk about.
You can say things like, “I am so sorry, but I am exhausted, and I can’t take this on right now.” You could even add that you feel like you can’t give the best advice and support because you’re feeling tired or overwhelmed, or like you just aren’t the right person to talk to about something. That’s a reminder to them that you’re a human being with limits, and also, you want them to get useful help and support that meets their needs. In a situation where someone keeps coming to you about everything, you can say that you appreciate their trust and faith in you, but that it’s a good idea to talk to multiple people to get insights from different points of view, and that you can’t be their only support.
And if you’re tired of going over the same thing over and over—maybe someone is not taking your advice, wanting you to give them different advice, or just frustrating you—that’s okay to say too. “Lucy, we’ve talked a lot about your problems with X, and I’ve suggested Y and Z, but you’re not really listening to me, and I’m not sure how much help I can offer at this point.”
