Because we live in a society where some people have very strong ideas about what a relationship looks like, there can be a lot of pressure to think that all relationships, from friendships to mentorships, fit into specific templates. For example, some people think that dating someone means they are automatically sexually exclusive, or expect a romantic relationship to lead to marriage. Or maybe someone believes men and women can’t just be friends.
But every relationship is different, original and involves unique people who all want their own things from each other, themselves, and a given relationship. I’m here to invite you to think bigger about what being in a relationship means, and what kinds of connections you can build with the people in your life. A relationship is a living, breathing thing that you co-build and maintain that also changes over time. You don’t need to “define” it once for all eternity and leave it at that, and if you want quality relationships that endure over time, it’s actually really important you don’t do that.
If you have grown up in one or more of the many cultures and communities where the word “relationship” comes with one narrow and prescribed meaning, it probably conjures two people in a monogamous sexual and romantic partnership, and maybe the assumption that it’s a heterosexual, too. But relationships are so much bigger than that—although if you are a person thinking about sexual and romantic partnerships and know you don’t want yours to look like this, you’re not alone. I’m here to help everyone—from my cisgender, heterosexual, monogamous pals to my sparklefemme asexual friends—think about how to frame the way we think and talk about relationships a little differently.
Relationships with other people are about ongoing interactions and associations. You can also have a relationship with a place, a nonhuman animal, a thing (a beloved chair, maybe), or idea (like the way you think about abortion). They don’t need to be romantic or sexual, although these are both examples of types of interpersonal relationships. Other examples might include starting a venture with a new business partner; exploring sexual pleasure together; raising a child with someone; or embarking on a new friendship. In a relationship, things like communication, care, and mutual respect are critical—no matter how long you are in that relationship, including if it changes over time. Being deliberate and conscientious in your relationships from the start will make them stronger.
Finding Common Ground
Thinking about relationships purely in terms of sexual and/or romantic relationships and being told “every relationship is about two monogamous people who are sexually and romantically attracted to each other” is kind of like being handed the keys to an already-furnished, pre-built house under the assumption that it’s somewhere you’ll want to live. If you actually want to try van life for a while, you’d prefer an apartment, you hate Victorian architecture, you walk through the house and hate the way it’s laid out, or any number of things, those keys are gonna feel pretty unappealing.
They might not be at all relevant to you. You might be asking if you can hand those back and look at other options. But there’s a big tendency to judge people who reject the keys to a house they don’t want. Those people could be friends with someone of a gender they’re attracted to and not interested in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with them, or are looking for romantic and/or sexual relationships but aren’t necessarily monogamous or heterosexual, or aren’t thinking about romance and/or sex at all.
A better way to think about every relationship—maybe a brand new one with a new person, but also a big change in an existing relationship—is like something that starts as an empty plot of land that you get to develop the way you want, including experimenting with different options to find the one that feels right for you. Maybe you’ve got some nice trees and shrubs and interesting neighbors, maybe it’s a pile of dirt. You and your person or people get to think about what you want to do together with that land. And you don’t need to decide what you want while you’re still exploring your land and each other. As you learn more about each other, your needs and wants from a relationship are probably also going to change, and it’s important to build that in too.
Starting a relationship from a place of openness about what it might look like, with a completely blank slate, and deciding to consciously build what you want on a case-by-case basis can feel like a scary departure from the way you’re expected to live your life. But it’s an expansive way to think about relationships, and it will help you build stronger and more intentional ones while pushing back on what society thinks a relationship should look like.
I reject the idea that there are “conventional” versus “nontraditional” relationships. There’s lots of room for play and curiosity in how you interact with other people. Maybe you’re best friends who want to raise kids together, or a couple in deep romantic love with outstanding sexual chemistry, or something else altogether that you discover on your own. Through all of history, people’s relationships have been very diverse, even in eras or cultures where they haven’t been presented that way.
Rather than limiting a relationship by trying to force it to conform to some definition, think about exploring, discovering, and expressing the nature of your connection to each other. Things like your gender identity and expression, community, interests, and current web of existing connections might also play a role in shaping what your relationship looks like. Your relationship includes the way you show up for and support each other, including when you draw clear boundaries (boundaries are love!).
This doesn’t mean you’re out there on your own figuring everything out with no guidance. You can always appreciate the style of someone else’s house and use it as an inspiration for your own, or move between different kinds of houses (relationships) over the course of your lifetime. You get to have your own ideals and dreams for any and every kind of relationship. Sometimes you need to try new things or test something out before realizing it’s not for you. A casual sexual relationship might turn into a friendship. A polyamorous person might opt to be in a monogamous relationship. A business partnership could become a “no thanks.” None of these changes are “downgrades.”
Talking about it
When you’re exploring what kind of relationship you want to build with someone, there are some important things to mind that start with communicating with your partner about what both of you want, how you think about relationships, and what you want to build together. If you’ve ever screamed at the television that a character should just talk to someone else to solve whatever plot tension they’re caught in (“just tell her you love her instead of letting her move to a new city, what are you doing!?!!?”), you might be able to guess that many of the problems our visitors bring to our direct services are ultimately about communication.
The first step is to remember that you are not moving into a furnished house: you are building something together from the ground up and it’s important to stress that with your partner. You don’t want to skip steps based on the kinds of relationships your society or culture values. Consider that we bring our own ideas about what kinds of relationships there are, what they look like, and who you can (or can’t) be in those relationships with to the table, and fixating on those ideas can be limiting. Ask your person what they want, listen carefully, reflect what you’re hearing, and express what you want. If you’re not sure what you want, that’s okay to figure out together. No matter what kind of relationship you build for yourselves, that mutual understanding will be a great foundation for your future.
Think about these conversations as ones that start with something temporary like setting up a tent or camper on your land so you can explore it together, find the spot where the light is the best and you love the view, and, if you want, start building something more permanent. Getting too fixated on getting everything settled right away is a great way to set yourself up for conflict and heartbreak.
Some questions to think about:
- How would you describe the way you feel about each other? Think about this in terms of I statements—“I feel really good when we’re touching or engaging in sexual activity” “I feel excited when I think about seeing each other” “You feel like family to me”—rather than searching for definitions.
- What kinds of relationships appeal to you, and why? You might find Scarleteen founder Heather Corinna’s “Supermodel” a great guide to start with. You should describe your relationship in a way that makes you feel comfortable, but make sure you and your partner agree on what you mean.
- How do you like to communicate? Do you like to talk on the phone or zoom, text, meet up in person? Do you want to set aside specific time on a regular basis to talk about your relationship instead of only discussing how you’re feeling when something goes wrong and getting (or sending) the dreaded “we need to talk” text?
- Are there things you definitely do or do not want from a relationship with each other, at least right now? Are you open to discussing where there’s room for negotiation and where there might be a firm boundary?
- What do you want to do in the relationship? When you think about your daily life and this relationship, where do you see in it the things that do or could fill up your days, weeks or months?
- What other existing relationships of yours would you love to have overlap with this one?
- Are there things that inspire you, or feel like cautionary tales, from the relationships you see around you or have had previously?
- A conversation about sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and contraception if sex is or might be part of your relationship and you’re having the kind of sex that might result in pregnancy is really important. Caring for each other in your relationship includes your health, and for some, conversations about topics like regular STI testing are necessary.
Make sure everyone involved understands and agrees with what you see in the future of your relationship and is clear on the need to communicate when they’re feeling the need to make a change. It’s pretty shitty, for example, to treat a sexual relationship with someone else as something casual to you when it’s obvious that person wants a more romantic or intimate relationship. Or, if you’re someone who really wants to get pregnant but you’re not communicating that to your person, that might be a big mismatch in terms of what both of you think you want from your relationship. If for you, you can only have one best friend and that person is your most important friend, you’ll want to talk about that with the other person, for whom it might not mean that. You want to be on the same page with people you are spending time with so no one gets hurt.
It’s important to remember that you can remodel, build an addition, invite roommates, and make all kinds of other changes to your house over the course of any and every relationship, BUT you need to maintain the house you have now and make sure it’s in good shape before making these kinds of changes. You also need to agree on those changes with your person—without manipulation or pressure, and not in a crisis. If your pipes just sprang a leak, putting new wallpaper in the guest bathroom is not going to address the issue. For example, if you’re in a monogamous relationship that’s going sour because of a mismatch in interest in sex or one person’s feeling neglected, opening it up is not going to fix it. If you’re fighting with a friend over politics, pressuring them to go on a “no politics!” road trip is just dodging an important conversation.
Having these kinds of little conversations regularly to check in with each other makes those big conversations you might need down the line less scary.
You may also want to think about how you want to communicate about your relationship in conversations with other people. How much do you want to share about your relationship? What kinds of questions are you willing to answer? It’s okay to want to be private, but make sure you and your partner are on the same page about what you are sharing; if one of you is blabbing all over town and the other one would prefer that the entire world NOT know about how often you have sex, that’s no good. If you’re going through fertility treatment with a friend and a surrogate, you might not want to talk about it. If you are SUPER EXCITED to mentor someone and want to tell everyone about it, check in to make sure they’re okay with that.
If someone is dismissive, hurtful, or rude about your relationship or person/people, how do you want to handle it? Maybe you and two friends are having and parenting children together and people are judgmental and weird about it. Perhaps you’re polyamorous and people keep saying you’re doing it just to cheat, or that you and another person aren’t serious about each other. Maybe you and a close friend are sexual together, but not romantic and not interested in romance or marriage. What will you say when people ask questions or make rude comments?
As you build the relationship you want, remember that this is supposed to be fun and joyful. Everyone encounters hardships and frustrations sometimes, and conflict is part of growth, but mutual discovery, real connection and conversation should be something you are excited about. If you’re feeling bogged down in conversations about defining your relationship or you’re circling the drain with constant conflict, that may be a good sign to take a break and take some deep breaths, especially if a relationship is very new. Always ground yourself in the question of what you want a relationship to look like, what you want to build together, and what your person is communicating about what they want and need, not what other people are telling you about how your relationship should be. You get to decide what to do with the plot of land you are sharing with your person or people, including whether you want to keep building on it or go your own ways.
