Hello, I’m Zeno.
I wrote to you a couple of months ago. Since then, things changed, and I need to get things of my chest. I am AFAB, and 19, and since I was 14 I have been questioning my gender. I’ve always felt more connected to a masculine world, but until now I thought that it might be due internal misogyny or because I misinterpreted average puberty struggles as a sort of gender dysphoria. I’ve never experimented openly with gender, except in art.
Things changed a month ago, when I had the courage to talk about this with a friend of mine, a trans guy. His feelings and story are very similar to mine, so I thought that I should take this feeling a little more seriously. I asked my friend to address me with my preferred name and by he/him pronouns. However, I still struggle with accepting myself. I believe that this feeling is a “useless” worry, even if I cannot stop thinking about it. Sometimes I wish for it to disappear, not because I don’t feel comfortable being addressed as a guy, but because it’s more convenient to stay as a girl.
On one hand, I am very afraid that if I pursue this path, I will negatively afflict my career path and the relationship with my parents. On the other, I am worried that if I remain a girl I would regret it for life. What can I do? How can understand what is the best for me?
Hello Zeno,
Thank you so much for updating us about what’s going on in your life, and I’m sorry that you’re still struggling with tough emotions around your identity. Coming to understand who you are can be a long and even scary journey, and it sounds like you have some especially big fears about being accepted by society and your parents.
You aren’t alone in having these thoughts. They’re really common for trans people all over the world, including me. I talked to some other trans people I know while thinking about your question to get their thoughts and hear their stories. Some of them transitioned years ago and like to point out that real live trans adults exist and are thriving in their lives. Others are closeted, or earlier in their journeys, and say your feelings are very familiar to them, too.
As a trans adult, I can confirm that we exist, and also that having trans community is essential for our joy, wellbeing, and sense of self. I’m glad that you have a trans friend who’s comfortable talking with you about his gender and experience, because it’s so important to hear that from someone you know, like, and trust. It sounds like he’s really supportive, caring, and welcoming, making him a friend to treasure!
You need more people like him in your life, because the more trans people you know, the better your life will be. Not just because being trans is awesome and being surrounded by trans people is the best, but because knowing lots of people with different lived experiences can help you see the many ways of being trans in the world, and connect you with more mentors and support. If you can’t find people to meet up with where you are, there’s a lively and really supportive trans community online, too, including in our direct services, where you can meet a lot of young people who are experiencing, or have experienced, journeys like yours.
Reading your question, I see a few things that are troubling you. One is the larger question of your identity, but I think you have the answer to that one: You say that if you “remain a girl, I would regret it for life,” which sure sounds to me like you are finding a sense of self as a trans man. You’ve been thinking about this since you were 14, and have had time to consider who you are and who you want to be. Trying to live as a person you’re not is painful, hard, and stressful, as you already know, and no one should have to live with a part of themselves shut down like this.
If you can’t stop thinking about this, it doesn’t sound like a “useless” worry to me. It sounds like you are experiencing dysphoria that is making you uncomfortable in your body. And those puberty struggles? For some trans people, puberty was a period of awakening for them as changes they might have thought abstractly or worried about actually start happening. It’s not internalized misogyny to feel like your body isn’t yours, or is veering out of control: You’re not saying that girls are bad, lesser, or wrong, or that they should be ashamed of their bodies. You’re saying that this body feels wrong for you.
You might look at trans adults or confident trans people in your own life and think, “Wow, these people really have it together! If I’m so conflicted, am I really trans?” I’m here to tell you that all of us had different and sometimes complicated journeys to where we are today. They included self-doubt, mixed feelings, and fear. None of us just woke up one day, jumped out of bed, said, “I’m trans!” and never looked back.
Comments about being scared about what it would feel like to spend a lifetime living with their assigned gender, and whether just being treated as the wrong gender would be easier than coming out, came up again and again with people I talked to who once teetered on the edge like you. Every single one told me that the leap into transitioning and living as they truly are was worth it. It was hard sometimes, but they found deep happiness and fulfillment in addition to community. The most common regret I heard was actually about not transitioning earlier, even though everyone also acknowledged that taking those initial steps was pretty scary—and all of them said that everyone’s timeline is different, and there’s no right or wrong time to transition.
The great thing is that those initial steps can be as slow, steady, and subtle as you want them to be. You’re already asking your friend to use male pronouns for you, and you can ask others to support you too. You can also try presenting your gender differently. If you don’t want to come out all the way as a trans man, you could pick clothes and a haircut that feel more comfortable for you, but still allow you to blend in with girls. You could also consider a more gender ambiguous nickname, if one feels like a good fit for you.
I love hearing that you are expressing yourself in art: More of that! Art is such a good way to think through big questions and find a way to communicate about them, whether we share it or keep it to ourselves. Finding a medium you’re comfortable in can also just make you feel better about and find an outlet to cope with living in this wild world.
Coming out doesn’t have to be an all or nothing thing, and not just in terms of thinking about who you tell and the timeline of transition. I talked to several people who came out multiple times and in multiple ways, which is a good reminder that socially transitioning, or pursuing medical transition later on down the line, isn’t a set in stone, forever thing. One man told me that he opened up about being trans and encountered such hostility that he backtracked three times before deciding that nope, he was going to live his life as the man he is, not the woman people wanted him to be. Taking some steps and deciding to step back doesn’t mean you’re less trans or that your gender questions aren’t serious. There are lots of complicated reasons for doing that!
You’re thinking about what might happen if people reject you, and that’s a valid fear. I’m not going to lie and tell you that coming out will be smooth sailing and everyone will throw a party. Trans people do sometimes face strained relationships with family, loved ones, and friends. They also definitely experience career discrimination.
But that also happens to a lot of people, for all kinds of reasons. People can clash over politics; argue over household responsibilities; or get frustrated for not listening to each other, among many other things. Women and Black, Indigenous, people of color face discrimination in the workplace, and so do young people and older adults. Sometimes that means that people treat us poorly or cut us off, or that we decide we no longer want to associate with those people. In those circumstances, we usually don’t decide “oh well, I guess I won’t live my political values” or “I guess I’ll just get a different job.” We figure things out. We find community and family that share our values and leave the toilet seat down.
When it comes to trans people, sometimes families and friends come to realize that you’re still the person they know, just a happier one living as your true self. With time, and learning, they might begin to understand that transness isn’t something to be scared about. And coming out can help you develop community, build new friendships, and find chosen family, too—it’s so much easier to find and maintain friendships when you’re not living under the burden of the closet.
And when it comes to your career, the landscape for trans people at work is changing rapidly, depending on where you live. In some areas, it’s getting a lot better…and in others, it’s getting a lot worse. But one thing to consider is that early transition allows you to enter the workforce as a man: Your resume will be under the right name and gender, your references will only know you as a man, and your colleagues will be introduced to you, from the start, as a man. That’s a really cool opportunity, especially if you pursue higher education and/or a career away from home, so you’re starting from a blank slate with new people: Everyone will just know you as you are. That can let you fly under the radar in the workplace, because you’re just another guy at work.
I’d also have a question for you to consider as you say you’re concerned about rejection: Have you really thought through what might happen if people don’t accept you and what it might mean? Do you think there’s a possibility you might be surprised by how people react?
Being rejected by people you thought you knew, people you care about, or people who have power over you hurts. But it’s also a growth opportunity for you. It’s a really good thing to learn these things about your family now, when you have a whole life and world ahead of you, just like it’s a really good thing to learn who your real friends are (in case this isn’t clear, it’s the friends who accept you, are excited for you, or have questions and are curious but genuinely care for you and want you to be happy). No one wants to put time and energy into being in community with people who don’t care for them and you deserve better.
I do have a note of caution here: if you are in a situation where coming out could mean that you lose your housing, financial support from your parents, or other things that are really important, that can be very scary to think about. You should consider making a plan for what to do if that happens, and laying the groundwork now to protect yourself. If it doesn’t feel like that plan is possible right now, it’s okay to wait until it’s safer for you to come out—you can explore your identity, find places to be safely out, and build up resources now. Our writer Sassafras Patterdale has some great advice about that in her Kicked Out series that you might want to check out. And you are not wrong or bad or less trans for needing to wait. Lots of young people have been in a situation where it’s not safe to transition yet.
You might also want to consider, if it’s possible, seeking out some time with a therapist, specifically one who focuses on trans people. They can help you work through your gender thoughts, fears about coming out, and plans for the future in a space that’s safe, where you’re the center of the conversation, and where you will be supported and cared for. If you don’t think you can get to therapy, maybe you can make your way to an LGBTQIA+ community center or group, or call a hotline.
I also want to let you know that I believe in you: I think you can find happiness, and your true self, and a social circle that cares about you and wants the best for you. It’s okay to feel scared and uncertain and reach for someone’s hand—and someone’s hand will be there for you, because we look out for each other.
