It feels like every other week, there’s a headline about grooming.
Those headlines are especially common in rightwing media, and the word also shows up again and again on social media. You’ll notice a common theme when it comes to who is talking about “grooming” and who they say is doing it: It comes up in comments about drag brunches; complaints about sexual education; discussions of LGBTQIA+ public figures; and outrage over media and pop culture. If these headlines are to be believed, there’s an epidemic of child sexual abuse—and most of these accusations claim it is being perpetrated by LGBTQIA+ people.
Oddly, it rarely comes up in the contexts where it means what it’s supposed to.
Throwing the term “grooming” around casually and most often inaccurately like this has obscured what it actually means, which is incredibly dangerous for young people. It’s way more dangerous than attending drag queen story hour; being friends with a child who has two mothers; or reading about queer characters in a popular series of books.
What is grooming, really?
People often use this term in the context of adult relationships with children and teens. Grooming can happen in other contexts where there is a skewed power dynamic too: A nondisabled person may groom a disabled person; a supervisor could groom an employee; or a doctor could groom a patient. Grooming primes someone for abuse, which may be sexual, but can also be physical and/or emotional.
It’s behavior that comes from someone looking to exploit another that’s intended to create the feeling of an emotional connection for the purposes of making that exploitation easy. This is a process that can take time as someone slowly pushes the target’s boundaries, confuses their feelings, and gives them a false sense of security and care. The target may not understand they are experiencing abuse because it happens slowly over time, and they may also feel like they can’t tell anyone because it involves a “friend” or even someone they feel they love.
Sometimes, people engaging in this behavior may also try to groom larger circles around their intended victim, ingratiating themselves into the goodwill of families and friends, making those around a child or teen also think they are safe and trustworthy. This move means that observers might not catch on to what’s going on, or if the target approaches them for help, they might be dismissive.
A person who is grooming someone will usually say the nature and scope of the relationship—or the whole thing—needs to be a secret because other people wouldn’t understand and might interfere, sometimes even breaking it up.
Accusations, usually from conservatives, that LGBQTIA+ people—especially trans women—are “groomers” are incredibly harmful. Often accusers are talking about people who are simply existing while LGBQTIA+ and interacting with young people, like a gay teacher, a queer healthcare provider, or a trans person who just happens to be a neighbor, being neighborly. People may claim that these so-called “groomers” are seeking to sexually abuse children and teens, or suggest that adults are indoctrinating children, turning them trans or queer with their power and influence. Some people skip right from calling LGBTQIA+ people groomers to labeling them as pedophiles (in the U.K., people may use the slang term “nonce”).
This isn’t just about namecalling. These accusations promote false and unsafe beliefs about LGBTQIA+ people. They also contribute to conversations about law and policy. For example, in some nations, elected officials are trying to ban transgender people from restrooms or shared locker rooms; make it harder to change legal names and gender markers; or deny access to transition care for trans people. Sometimes, these laws effectively criminalize being trans in public. People proposing or supporting these laws may cite “grooming” as a reason, and some point to faked statistics or news to support their claim.
This isn’t new: Conservatives have been accusing LGBTQIA+ people of grooming, corrupting the youth, child molestation, and other coded language for decades, trying to force people underground and marginalize them. We saw this in the mid-20th century with the Lavender Scareexternal link, opens in a new tab, where the U.S. government persecuted LGBTQIA+ government workers and people who supported them. It also happened again during the daycare panicexternal link, opens in a new tabs of the 1980s and 1990s where innocent people were accused of being satanists or pedophiles abusing the children in their care. That moral panic spilled over to all kinds of LGBQTIA+ adults, not just those working at daycares.
These accusations make it sound like members of these communities are inherently dangerous predators who cannot be trusted with children. That isolates people from their communities and makes people quick to assume that something abusive is happening when it’s not. You’ll also see the legacy of this in conversations claiming that just knowing about LGBTQIA+ people will endanger children or change their gender or sexuality.
These accusations are flatly untrue. One in four girls, and one in 20 boys, report being sexually abusedexternal link, opens in a new tab (the surveys and data collection methods used do not account for trans and gender-nonconforming children). 88 percent of perpetrators are menexternal link, opens in a new tab. There’s absolutely no evidenceexternal link, opens in a new tab that LGBQTIA+ people are more likely to sexually abuse children. And the fixation on LGBQTIA+ strangers waiting to jump out from behind every door erases the fact that of the sexual abuse cases reported to law enforcement, 34% involve family membersexternal link, opens in a new tab—of the remainder, 59% are acquaintances known to the child and their family, and just 7% are strangers.
And rather than being perpetrators, LGBQTIA+ people are actually more likely to be targetsexternal link, opens in a new tab, along with other young people who are socially marginalized. That includes foster and unhoused kids; Black, Indigenous, and people of color; and disabled young people. It’s obviously bad to misuse this kind of language and these accusations because doing that feeds into hateful social attitudes that demonize LGBQTIA+ people.
But it’s also bad because, much like giving people the idea that abuse most often happens at the hands of strangers (again, it doesn’t, it most often happens inside family or other existing relationships), it blurs the lines on what grooming and sexual abuse look like. That makes it harder for people to identify it when it’s really happening and protect themselves and each other. Not understanding that behavior is actually sexually abusive and not okay can leave people suffering in silence or not sure about how to talk about what’s happening.
Real grooming, and the abuse that typically follows it, leads to lifelong trauma.
Is this grooming?
So, how do you know if you are actually being groomed by a person who does not have your best interests in mind and could be planning to exploit your connection? If someone is in a position of power over you, like a relative, teacher, coach, mentor, or a friend with a significant age gap, like a 21-year-old when you’re 15, and they engage in behaviors like these, they could be red flags:
- Telling you other people wouldn’t understand your relationship and you should keep it a secret.
- Giving you a lot of gifts, especially expensive ones or presents that feel disproportional to the occasion, including things like taking you out to eat at expensive restaurants or taking you on trips, and encouraging you to be secretive or lie about it.
- Touching you inappropriately or in ways that make you feel uncomfortable. While a friendly shoulder squeeze or pat isn’t out of line, an unasked-for massage or more intimate contact can be designed to push your boundaries. So can any contact that is unwelcome, whether or not people think it is sexual nature: You are in charge of your body, and you’re sensitive to when a touch feels off.
- Someone who mainly or only wants to spend time with you away from friends or family. That includes someone who might be a friend of the family, but frequently suggests you do activities on your own—especially if they tell you not to tell anyone.
- Someone showering you in affection, praise, or attention, making you feel like they are always on your side and other people don’t appreciate you like they do. This person might make you feel extra-special. Think “you’re not like other girls” or “you’re so smart for your age.”
- Someone who gets into a cycle of building you up, putting you down, and picking you back up again. For example, someone might spend a couple of weeks constantly wanting to hang out and talking you up, and then go cold, making you feel abandoned or like you did something wrong, only to pop back up and start flattering you and giving you attention again.
- Someone sending you sexually explicit media that you haven’t asked for, or asking you for intimate photos or videos. These might not just be asking you for photos of your breasts, genitals, or naked body. They could ask you for photos of specific parts of your anatomy (like feet) or photos with you in specific scenarios and poses.
Worried someone you know is being groomed? Identifying risks to the young people in your life can be tricky; by design, grooming is often hard to spot from the outside. Especially if the person doing it is known to you and you think of them as a reliable, safe, or trustworthy person, you may second-guess yourself or think that a young person or friend approaching you for help is misunderstanding a friendship. Be mindful also that groomers do not always (or only) sexually abuse their targets: They also engage in emotional abuse.
Some signs that someone you know might be a target include:
- Flimsy or nonexistent explanations. Maybe someone is getting frequent large presents and is vague about where they came from, for example, or they’re suddenly flaky and unreliable.
- Unexplained injuries can also be a warning sign that someone is being abused, especially if they are happening a lot and someone is trying to hide them or is vague about why they’re happening.
- Talking about a new friend in ways that don’t quite pass the vibe check—perhaps someone significantly older who makes flattering comments, or wants to spend a lot of time alone together.
- Pulling back or being isolated from friends, family, school, hobbies, and activities.
- Being unable to account for where they have been or what they have been doing for stretches of time.
- Hiding evidence of communication with someone. That could look like quickly closing tabs when you walk in a room; hiding messages on their phone; or concealing cards and letters.
- Avoiding or being anxious about some people or places.
- In younger children, regressive behavior, like bedwetting or thumbsucking.
- Age-inappropriate sexualized remarks, jokes, or understanding that started recently or don’t seem in character with the young person you know.
It’s also important to be aware that plenty of people in positions of power and authority genuinely are supportive friends and mentors to the young people in their lives. Relationships with knowledgeable, caring people—including with LGBTQAI+ people, just like everyone else—enrich our lives, and that includes young people, many of whom count adults among their friends and support net and may have long-term and highly beneficial relationships with beloved teachers, coaches, and other adults, including those labeled as authority figures. Supportive adults can also help young people with things they feel shy approaching their parents about, like accessing birth control or navigating conflict.
Some of that friendship and mentorship could include perfectly innocent variations of the things on the list above. For example, a supportive friend or relative might cover airfare for a homesick college student; buy tickets to a concert someone’s excited about; or give a mentee a generous gift after a major milestone like graduating from high school. A friend or relative might also take someone on a special trip, encourage someone pursuing a new art or hobby with supportive praise and supplies, or have a standing “just us” lunch meetup.
These kinds of gifts are usually contextually appropriate and, critically, aren’t secrets. For a big deal item, like a trip or expensive gift, they’ll probably check in with you first.
Supporting young people through concerns about sexual abuse
If you’re feeling weird about a relationship dynamic that you’re witnessing, check in with that young person to see how they are feeling about it. Keep that conversation casual and stress that you care about them, want to support them, and are concerned, but they are not in trouble. While you may be very worried, coming in hot and being pushy can backfire. Sometimes these conversations can bring up feelings of guilt, shame, or resistance: You don’t need to have this conversation all at once and you can leave the door open to continuing it in the future.
If you’re in a relationship that doesn’t feel quite right to you, trust what your gut is telling you. Check in with someone and talk through the things that are worrying you. Sassafras Patterdale has some great tips on sussing out which adults in your life are likely to be trustworthy, safe, and supportive—while her guide is about unhoused youth, it’s applicable to everyone. You may also find Heather Corinna’s “Outspoken” series helpful for thinking about how to start conversations about abuse with people in your life. While it’s focused on emotional abuse, the advice is also still very applicable to sexual and physical abuse, too.
If a young person reaches out to you for help, they’re doing so because they think you’re a safe person to talk to. Make time and space for that conversation and be an active listener: Reflect what that person is telling you back to them, and affirm that you’re here for them and believe them. If your kneejerk response is “you must be misinterpreting this situation” or “that person would never do this” or simply “I don’t believe this,” that’s not something a young person needs to hear—and a classic hallmark of abusive behavior is that abusive people are manipulative and consciously cultivate friendly relationships with the people around their victims.
Before you jump to help, check in with your young person about what they want next steps to be. Maybe they just want advice, or to feel like someone is listening to them, or feel like a relationship is off and want affirmation from a third party. Others may want more active assistance and interventions, from asking for help with reporting to supporting them in cutting off contact with the person who is grooming them. Doing something you think would be helpful without asking will only make someone feel more disempowered, and less inclined to feel safe with you in the future. If you feel a moral or legal imperative to report, take the time to talk it through, explain why it’s necessary, and allow them to take the lead as much as possible.
There are lots of resources available to meet people where are. Counseling, therapy, and peer support can be really helpful for working through feelings, although it’s important to be aware that clinicians like doctors, nurses, and therapists are mandated reporters. If they have reason to believe a young person is being abused, they do need to report it to law enforcement. If you’re not ready for that, you can contact a hotline to connect with someone who can support you anonymously, such as 1-800-656-HOPE in the U.S., and visit us in our direct services.
Choosing your words
It’s easy to pick up terminology that feels like it’s everywhere without being aware of the deeper meaning—the very word “grooming” has become so toxic thanks to its abuse by the right that even when you’re using it correctly, people may misread what you’re trying to say. Consider using descriptive terminology that reflects the actions someone is taking: Telling a young person to keep a relationship secret, say, or spending large amounts of money on a young person without checking in with their parents, or being over the top flattering in a way that concerns you.
Think: “I’ve noticed that Claire talks about Bob a lot and says he’s always telling her how great she is and how mature she is for her age. That relationship dynamic concerns me” versus “I think Bob is grooming Claire.”
You should also speak up in conversations where people are talking about “grooming,” especially in very generic terms that seem to be talking about LGBQTIA+ people broadly, not specific instances of child abuse. If you don’t want to confront them directly with something like “that’s not what that means” or “this is actually hateful,” you can try an approach like asking someone to define what they mean by the term or asking them where they heard it.
