Hi! I identify as asexual and I always wonder what sexual attraction feels like since I probably don’t feel it. I doubt myself sometimes though; if I don’t know what sexual attraction is, how am I supposed to know if I have it or not? However, I always rationalized that sexual attraction is distinct from other emotions and I will know if I felt it before. Even though I know for certain I am ace, no one has properly answered what sexual attraction feels like. I assume it is different for everyone. It seems like it is not only based on their body only but also who they are as a person and being horny at the same time. This makes it hard to describe, since it sounds like either having a romantic attraction or libido, which is obviously not the same. That brings back the question. What is sexual attraction exactly? Would it mean that you want to share the same mutual desire with the other person when doing sexual activities as well? If so, what does that differ from being horny? Please let me know.
- A confused ace
This is a great question, and you’re right, it’s something that’s pretty hard to figure out, especially given how different everyone and our sexualities are and how difficult it even is to define anymore.
I’m going to do my best here for you, but I’ll start by letting you know that my answer might not be entirely satisfying to you, because it’s not likely to be as clear-cut as you might prefer it to be.
The biggest reason that it can’t be very clear is that what each of our sexualities are, and how each of us experiences and conceptualizes them, including when it comes to the ways they interact with others, is just so different. For example, as you mention, for some people, or for some people sometimes, the feeling of sexual attraction feels very physical, and is strongly linked to feelings of sexual desire — of a want for sex (AKA “being horny”). But for other people, it isn’t like that, or it isn’t always like that: for example, someone might have felt attracted to a person in that way initially, and still feels that attraction now even at times when they don’t feel sexual desire. Maybe over time, that attraction has also grown to become either less physical or to involve more than just a physical sense of feelings, but things like emotional feelings and historical memories.
Our sexualities as a whole are usually based on a wide array of things: our bodies and our senses, for sure, including our memories and histories in those bodies. But our emotional feelings, our intellectual thoughts, beliefs and concepts, our social relationships and interactions — and our personal identities, including things like whatever our gender and sexual identities or other kinds of social roles are, and the way we see and experience ourselves in the world are also often all part of our sexualities, too.
Any and all of those things and more can be involved in what attracts us to — what draws us to, what makes us feel interested in, what creates a desire for us to be around or to want to get closer to — other people sexually. What “sexually” means depends on how we experience and conceptualize our own sexuality and what we want at any given time and want with that particular person at a given time or in general. As an asexual person, depending on where you’re at on the asexual spectrum, and where you feel on that spectrum when it comes to another person, attraction for you could look a desire to express your sexuality physically in some way, or a desire for touch that might fall more under affection than sex, like cuddling. It could show itself in a desire to be desired, in fantasies or daydreams you enjoy, but don’t want to do anything with physically or maybe even share at all, or a strong feeling to be near or with someone in ways that stoke sexual feelings for you: those feelings can exist, after all, without you necessarily wanting to do something with them, or to do something with them with that person.
Let me offer you a few more ways to see or understand this, in the hope that some of them will click for you:
- If any part of your sexuality has ever had times when it has felt like a question in regard to another person, sexual attraction to them may have been one possible answer.
- Sexual attraction can just be whatever we identify as a sexual interest in someone. If sexual attraction were about movies, it might be about which movies have come out and which we feel interested in and want to see or find out more about. It can feel like seeing something on a menu at a restaurant that looks especially delicious, or hearing a song that just clicks for you.
- Sexual attraction to someone might make our sexuality or our sexual selves feel at home, or feel matched in some way.
- Sexual attraction can feel like a wish or a desire to be in a sexual relationship with someone, not just to have a sexual interaction with them.
- Sexual attraction to someone can feel like you’re a magnet drawn to their magnetic pull.
- Sometimes attraction can feel like something or someone that turns the light on some part or parts (or even the whole of) of your sexuality or your sexual desire. Like, the light was off or was dimmed, then someone you are attracted to walks in or calls you or looks at you or talks to you and – flick! – the lights go on or get brighter.
- Even though it’s less common to feel it this way, we might also experience sexual attraction in ways it is most often presented in movies or books or songs, as something that isn’t particularly subtle or nuanced, but instead feels very powerful and primal and full of RIGHT NOW PLEASE, like a drive (even though there isn’t actually such a thing as a sex drive) or a force or a hunger that makes us want to touch or be sexual with someone very badly.
- Sexual attraction can create physical sensations, like feeling butterflies – fluttery feelings – in our bellies, feeling a little dizzy, feeling our heart beat faster or bigger around someone we are attracted to or when we think of them, feeling a little breathless, sweating more than we usually do, and can even cause people’s pupils to dilateexternal link, opens in a new tab!
- Sexual attraction can be something that, when we see or in some way experience someone or our idea of them, makes us feel more curious about our sexuality or theirs; something that makes us want to find out more about both our sexuality or theirs and that person and ourselves in some way.
- Feeling sexually attracted to someone can be about what makes someone feel sexual desire — what makes someone want to be sexual with that person or alone. But sexual desire isn’t always present when our sexuality or parts of it are, so we can feel sexual attraction to someone even if and when we don’t feel horny, much like we can think that a cake looks beautiful and delicious even when we’re not hungry.
- Sexual attraction can be something someone feels primarily due to someone else expressing attraction to them. For some people, or sometimes, the feeling of having someone attracted to you can create or amplify feelings of attraction for that person.
- Sexual attraction can sometimes create feelings we don’t generally consider pleasant, too: we might feel anxious, scatterbrained, even a little desperate.
- Sexual attraction can sometimes feel as simple as: “I want.” How big or small that want feels can be about how big or small that attraction to another person is, but it can also be about how much each person feels the desire to be sexual with someone else. You also might know when that feeling of want comes from your sexuality for sure, or you might not. It isn’t always clear, even for allosexual people.
Attraction is a feeling, and like all of our other feelings, having that feeling doesn’t necessarily mean that you, or anyone else, wants to do something with that feeling or do something specific with that feeling, and again, this is true for both asexual people and allosexual people alike. Being attracted to someone also doesn’t necessarily mean you do or will want the same things, or that the attraction is mutual, and any or all of those things can also change from day to day. However, it can certainly be that a given person feels more strongly attracted when either or both of those things are the case (and that’s pretty common) or that someone finds they only feel attraction when either or both are the case.
You asked if being sexually attracted to someone means that you will want to share the same desire with that person when doing sexual activities. I’m not exactly sure what you mean by that, but being attracted to one another doesn’t mean that somehow what we want sexually will sync up, if that’s what you’re asking about. What we desire sexually is so individual, and what we like and don’t like, need and don’t need, or are or are not in the mood for at a given time generally isn’t determined by attraction. Feeling attracted to someone will often widen our sexual curiosity, though, and by and large, it’s generally easier for most people to want or enjoy sexual interactions or touch with people they feel sexually attracted to than with people they don’t, but it’s also worth saying that that may be truer for allosexual people than asexual people. Some asexual people describe positive sexual interactions where the attraction they feel is mostly or even solely emotional rather than sexual.
Speaking of asexual people, I want to mention that the ace spectrum is diverse, just like there’s a lot of diversity in every orientation. By all means, plenty of ace people don’t experience sexual attraction, haven’t yet or only do very rarely. But plenty of asexual people do experience sexual attraction, they just often don’t necessarily want to do anything about it with the person they are attracted to (though may want to do something about it alone, like masturbating to thoughts of that person), or may have a different pace in mind if they want to physically express that attraction with that person – like wanting to build an emotional relationship first, for example.
Really, I think how attraction feels is something that all of us, whatever our orientation or identity, will generally discover more and more about over time, especially because how we all experience (or don’t experience, when that’s the case) sexual attraction over a lifetime – including how different sexual attraction from one person to the next can feel! – can be so incredibly unique. Your best bet if you still find yourself feeling very curious about this may just be to ask people you feel might be open to it to talk to you about how they experience sexual attraction: individual stories may wind up painting this picture better for you than broad brushes do.
