I don't feel “done” after sex or orgasm

I’m willing to bet that there isn’t a problem here at all. 

The idea that an orgasm⁠ (orgasm: An event typically in response to physical or intellectual sexual stimulation, controlled by the involuntary nervous system. ) does or should mean that sex is or must be finished isn’t based in what we know about people who are actually enjoying sex. Instead, it comes from places like pop culture depictions or cultural beliefs or ideals that only present sex about what’s needed for reproduction, or the lowest common denominator of deeply average sexual⁠ (sexual: About or relating in some way to sex or sexuality.)  experiences.

It seems like you’re assuming that wanting more sex or more from the sex you’re having means something is wrong or wrong with you, when it’s entirely possible you just want more of a good thing, or for a good thing to be even better. Anyone who has ever had a yummy meal cooked for them and who’s asked for seconds, and maybe even thirds, knows exactly what that’s like.

A lot of people have the idea that someone having an orgasm (or more than one orgasm) is the same as being — and feeling — finished with sex. For some people, or for some people sometimes, having an orgasm either does leave them feeling finished (or too wiped out⁠ (out: Short for ‘out of the closet’. When someone’s LGBTQ+ identity is known to other people.) for more), or conveniently happens at or around the same time someone feels finished. A lot of people also have the idea that having orgasms is the same as feeling satisfied with sex: again, this is true for some people, or for some people sometimes. But neither of these things are universally true, and sometimes these ways of thinking about sex and satisfaction have people, like you, thinking something must be wrong if they don’t feel done or fully satisfied, or even keep people from realizing they could feel more satisfied than they do.

It may just be that you’re someone who enjoys the sex you are having — and thank goodness for that! — and for whom orgasm, be it singular or plural, or the sex leading up to orgasm, often feels like less than you want. Wanting to keep being sexual after experiencing orgasm(s) is not about being addicted to sex. There’s a strong consensus in our field, one with which I strongly agree, that there’s no such thing as sex addiction (sexual compulsivity, yes, but addiction, no: we just feel that is a framework meant for something very different). But even for those who are on board with the concept of sex addiction, this wouldn’t be that. How you’re feeling is likely either about enjoying what you’re doing and wanting to do it more, not yet getting all you’re looking for from a given sexual experience, or both.

The answer to this could be as simple as enjoying your sexual experiences and wanting to extend them past a single orgasm. Plenty of people can have or want more than one orgasm in a given sexual experience, and plenty of people also continue or want to continue being sexual alone or with a partner⁠ (partner: In a sexual context, a person with whom someone is having some kind of sex. The term “partner” can be used for all kinds of relationships, not just serious ones. “Partner” can also mean the person someone is with in a romantic or familial partnership.) after they have had an orgasm. Orgasm is a typically brief, involuntary nervous system⁠ (nervous system: The system of cells, tissues and organs that regulate our body’s responses to internal and external stimuli.) response: it doesn’t mean anything — like that sex should be over — all by itself, only we can attach whatever meaning to it we do (or don’t). Our nervous systems are just reacting to stimuli when we orgasm: they aren’t telling us we have to stop with an orgasm, nor that we should be satisfied with what led up to them to the point that we feel done being sexual.

Now, there is some big cultural messaging out there, especially for straight couples, that says orgasm = done. That’s largely based in cisgender⁠ (cisgender: Describes people who have a gender identity which is traditionally thought to “match” their assigned sex. For instance, someone who was assigned male at birth who identifies as a man. Often used in relation to transgender.) men reaching orgasm and feeling themselves satisfied (for those who do), or being unable to orgasm again or not even knowing that more than one orgasm is an option for them or their partners. It’s largely based in people having learned that one orgasm a guy has is when that guy and their partner should be done; and in sex even being defined as something that automatically finishes when orgasm happens. Queer people usually know better because that’s not what our sexual experiences tend to go like at all, and plenty of straight people know better, too, but a lot of people still don’t know.

So, perhaps this is as simple as just wanting to keep going after you experience orgasm. There’s nothing wrong with or weird about that: you have that in common with lots of people.

It may be — or may also be — that there’s something you want in your sexual experiences that orgasm alone isn’t giving you or that you aren’t finding yet, period⁠ (period: The fluid – or flow – which contains blood, from the shedding of the uterine lining usually at the end of each menstrual cycle. Sometimes periods may be less fluid and more globby; this is the state that is often mistaken for blood clotting.) . It might be helpful to think about what sex educators and researchers — as well as people who have sex lives they feel deeply satisfied by — know about what kinds of things tend to make people feel satisfied with their sexual experiences. Orgasm is not only only one of those things, it’s often less important than some other things.

Studies on sexual satisfaction — as well as what those of us who are sex educators learn from those we talk to at work every day and also often know anecdotally from our own sexual lives — tend to find similar things. On the whole, people who really and consistently enjoy the sex they’re having together tend to have some things in common. A particularly informative study done by Dana Ménard and Peggy Kleinplatz of couples who reported that they have been having mutually extraordinary sex over timeexternal link, opens in a new tab found six major factors the sex those couples were having — described by the authors as “optimal sexual experiences” — all had in common: 

1. Being fully present
2. Being authentic
3. Having an intense emotional connection
4. Experiencing sexual and erotic⁠ (erotic: Something pertaining to sexuality, sexual desire, sexual arousal or sexual power.) intimacy — which tends to involve very deep levels of openness, surrender and vulnerability
5. Communication
6. Feelings of transcendence: having experiences that feel like they transcend just physical enjoyment or emotional connection

You’ll notice orgasm isn’t even on that list! In their extensive study, participants generally reported orgasm as enjoyable, but not at all even necessary for great sexual experiences. Most said that orgasm felt like a bonus, not at all like the main event. Some other things that came up in that study and that tend to show up in other studies like it are things like feeling chemistry with a partner, sex feeling like play — including elements like creativity, spontaneity and flat-out fun — and then, lastly, physical pleasure and intensity. (If you’re extra curious about this particular study, you can check out Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Loversexternal link, opens in a new tab, a book the study authors wrote about what they’ve learned studying people who have optimal sexual experiences.)

I hear you reporting that some of the things I listed above are already often part of the sex you’re having with a partner or yourself, so maybe why you want more is because what you have going is so good.

It could also be that you’re looking for a little more of any of these things, or to go deeper with them, and that exploring any of these areas or factors more may leave you feeling more satisfied. You haven’t said anything about your partner’s experiences in your question, so it could also be that you might feel more satisfaction if they, too, were having sexual experiences with more of any or all of these factors, or if they generally were sexual more in the way that you are. If you two aren’t already regularly engaged in deep communication about sex, not only is that likely to add more richness and dimension to the experiences you’re both already having, it’s just always a generally good idea.

It may be that you’re looking to explore things that you haven’t explored yet. Sometimes, even without doing something, we can intuitively know it’s something we want. That could be something like different or additional sexual activities than you have been doing so far, or it could be different dynamics than you have explored so far: for example, maybe you are someone hungering for power exchange or impact play⁠ (impact play: Doing things like wantedly, consensually and safely being part of hitting, slapping or other ways of striking for pleasure. It can but doesn’t have to be part of BDSM.) .

No matter what, though, I want to be clear that I am not picking up on anything in your question that suggests something is wrong or a problem.

Again, wanting more of something good — whether it’s sex, dinner or water and sunshine — is something nearly every living being on earth has in common. In the event that you aren’t feeling fully satisfied with the sex you are having for any reason, including if you are having orgasms, that also doesn’t necessarily suggest there is a problem. Not only does it usually take a while of being someone sexual with yourself and others — and by a while, I mean many years, sometimes decades: familiarity and connection over time was another common theme among the couples in that study I referenced earlier — to really start to understand what they want and enjoy, that’s also something that can change and shift over time. Those changes and shifts can be based on changes to who we are as people, what’s happened in our bodies and our lives, what new things we learn or become curious about, who our partners are and what our relationships or interactions with them are like and other factors.

You get to experiment with all the kinds of things I mentioned in my response to you, and I’d suggest you do so not with the idea that you are trying to solve a problem, but instead from a place of open and stress-free curiosity about the answer to the question, “What things make me feel satisfied with the sex I am taking part in?” much like you might explore the answer to questions like, “What are my favorite meals?” or “What are the things I can do that make me the most happy?” Think of yourself as an explorer looking to find out more rather than a repairman for something broken. After all, seeking out the answer to this question should itself actually be enjoyable, interesting, enriching, and its own kind of fun.