Injuries, whether short-term, long-term, or permanent, are part of life and can happen to everyone. The physical and emotional aftereffects of an injury, especially a severe one, can affect any part of a person’s life, sometimes reminding us that things could have been worse while also being frustrating or limiting. We have to learn to live with injury through recovery, or may need to adjust to life with a long-term injury or permanent disability. That includes adapting the ways we have sex.
When it comes to a long-term injury with a slow recovery time, it’s important to figure out, and ask for what you need to support yourself.
Slowing down during recovery is always a good idea
I’ve previously written that non-disability is temporary. Injury recovery is a form of disability, and injuries can turn into permanent impairments. With recovery, we hope to improve. It’s important not to pressure yourself or allow others to push you with a timeline, but we can nudge healing along by being gentle on our bodies.
That’s why I talk about long-term injury recovery in terms of disability, even if this is a temporary state. It helps me remember that I need to slow down to let the healing process happen, and that doesn’t make me less valuable. Being temporarily disabled and in need of support is completely fine. Healing should not be accompanied by shame because everyone needs to go through healing.
There’s space here to advocate for your needs while you are experiencing temporary disability during recovery. You may need to establish new personal and sexual boundaries that fit your body’s needs. It’s important to stress the medical necessity of taking it easy while healing. Even familiar injuries like broken bones can still upend our daily routines and expectations. You might find helpful resources not only among people who share your injury or activity interests—such as a skiing forum for that broken leg—but also from the disability community. Disabled people have practical experiences with asking for accommodations and advocating for ourselves. Disabled people know what it’s like to live with an impairment, are willing to offer a wealth of advice, and have much to teach non-disabled or temporarily-injured people about sex.
If you have a good partnership with your healthcare providers, this is also a chance to get every bit of information about care and accommodations you can. Be honest and direct with healthcare providers about your needs and how your life is impacted by an impairment. They’ve also heard it all when it comes to sex, and you should feel safe talking to them about how an impairment can affect your sex life. The support of an expert caring for you is wonderful to have on your side.
When you’re advocating for yourself, remember that disability is a normal part of life, and you deserve support, whether it’s temporary or permanent.
Recovery can be a long process
You can heal from many injuries, but permanent issues are always a possibility. Injuries can turn into disabilities, or the healed part might not be the same. Although it can be disappointing to hear, this is also part of recovery.
Speaking as someone who became disabled right as I started adulthood, it’s never easy to realize that some of the injury will be there forever. But it’s easier than you’d think, because during recovery, you’ll learn the habits and adjustments needed to live with that injury in its freshest form. That knowledge sticks with you.
People are remarkably adaptable. After a serious setback or injury, we have an amazing capability to adapt until disability becomes something we live with, rather than something that overwhelms us. Taking a steady, long-term approach also leaves space for change. Disabilities aren’t static; they can ebb and flow over time. Adapting to this reality isn’t about constantly improving, but taking every day as it comes.
Injuries aren’t just physical
The popular idea of disability only covers physical impairments. The standard symbol for disability is a person in a wheelchair. This limits our idea of disability to physical and visible disabilities and doesn’t acknowledge disability as a whole-body experience. It excludes conditions that are invisible or related to mental health that are also disabling.
Psychological trauma like PTSD and anxiety can accompany physical injuries and add its own difficulties. Mental health conditions may have no physical signs, but can be just as harmful to a person’s life. I’ve experienced many physical illnesses and permanent disabilities, but mental health crises have always brought me closest to the edge.
Living with mental distress can also come with a process of recovery and adaptation. Just like physical impairments, mental health is ever-changing. It’s important to remember that everyone experiences distress and disability differently. Long-term injury recovery includes making space for your mental health and communicating about your mental health needs.
Adapting to new sex
Any long-term impairment can affect all kinds of things. We may learn first-hand just how important small functions are for our daily lives. For example, one of my lungs is damaged, and I have constant neck and back tension because my ribcage works harder to breathe. I get bad mouth ulcers from oral herpes, and it always surprises me how important the tongue is for breathing. When healing, we adapt to live alongside our changing conditions.
This applies to sex too. If you have a good and trustworthy partner or partners, they should be willing to discuss how you want to be sexual while you recover.
Partnered sex has stakes for everyone involved. Good partners will adapt to your needs and regularly check in to learn more about what those needs are. They’ll do it on a month-to-month basis for medical circumstances and major shakeups. They’ll do it on a week-to-week basis because of changing interest in sex and schedules. They’ll do it on a moment-to-moment basis as your needs change.
Since every disability is unique, advocating for ourselves does mean explaining our bodies and lives in these conversations. Our partners don’t live in our bodies, so clear communication is important. Some people respond well to clear descriptions of your symptoms and what you need. Others may find personal stories or accounts about your disability and how it affects your life more helpful. I’ve gotten very used to talking about how my lung damage started and how it constrains my life now. How we communicate our needs and advocate for ourselves will differ, but it’s our way of making our circumstances better. It can also be a collaborative conversation with partners as you think about solving problems together.
This applies to emotional distress and trauma too. Good partners are ones we can entrust with sensitive information to make sex enjoyable for all. Certain sensory and emotional triggers during sex can cause trauma to surface. Think of having a mouth covered or someone holding down your arms. If you know what activates you, tell your partners about it! You don’t have to share anything you’re not comfortable with, and you may want to make suggestions for alternative or related activities.
Don’t hide information or limit your needs for a partner’s pleasure. Be cautious and curious as you adjust to being sexual during long-term injury recovery. You can always relax those boundaries and accommodations as you learn more about how your injury affects your body and sexuality. Remember that not taking care of yourself can make things worse and there’s no such thing as a trivial or need. Recovery is a process that involves both you and your partner.
Pleasure doesn’t vanish because of pain
Amidst all the talk about slowing down for recovery and taking the healing process one day at a time, it may seem like I’m sidelining sexual enjoyment. That’s not the case at all. You can still enjoy sexual pleasure, although it might look different. Physical impairments and medical issues may add a dimension to sex that you can work around. The shape of pleasure changes during recovery, but it doesn’t have to go away. There’s even room for new kinds of pleasure alongside disability!
When you’re healing, your pleasure remains a priority. Sexual pleasure is always connected to personal well-being. And evidence shows enjoyable sex with caring partners (or yourself!) can actually help with recovery. Your partner’s enjoyment of sex is important too, but listening to your needs is a sign of a good partner and may also deepen your relationship.
Re-learning the ways you enjoy sex while recovering from an injury is also an opportunity. It’s a chance to get more acquainted with masturbation or new sexual positions. If you feel shame or embarrassment, testing the waters by yourself before presenting ideas to partners can take away some of that stress too. The experience of relearning your body will stay with you, and if you have setbacks or health issues later on, you’ll have more confidence when it comes to navigating sex and pleasure.
Although this is ultimately about sex, I must stress the importance of togetherness and community when recovering from an illness or injury. Anthropologist Margaret Mead famously said that a healed femurexternal link, opens in a new tab was the earliest sign of civilization because it was proof of people cooperating to save a person who couldn’t survive alone. A viciously individualistic society that prizes personal achievement shames us into rejecting aid when we most need it.
My belief is that reliable family, friends, and sexual partners will always band together to support you when you’re less able than usual. This belief is actually reflected in my advice to slow down, adapt, and prioritize your needs—because focusing on yourself when you need it ensures good healing so that you can return the favor to others who need it later. Accepting the aid that’s offered isn’t a sign of weakness, but a recognition of the fact we’re not alone.
