Advice

Boyfriend, bummed

Question

My boyfriend and I have been having sex for about one month and meanwhile he is climaxing quicker and quicker. He also says he's not really enjoying it as much because it's such a short time. Any suggestions or comments?

That’s pretty normal as partners get more comfortable having sex⁠ together, so you should let him know that doesn’t mean anything is wrong.

But if he’s not satisfied with that, the trick generally is just to mix it up: to mix in way more activities than intercourse⁠, and to focus on his whole body, and sexual⁠ activities which are more whole body, rather than just on his genitals⁠, or activities which are solely or primarily about direct genital contact. He can also, of course, focus more on receptive activities for you with his hands, mouth and other body parts, as that, too, will likely delay his orgasm⁠.

One other thing a lot of people with penises find works for them in regards to this is masturbation⁠ before dates. Too, bear in mind that the refractory period⁠ for younger people with penises is really quite short, so if his first orgasm comes quick and leaves him and/or you feeling unsatisfied, he can always have another go a little while after the first.

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    The news is full of the wrong ways to try to have sex. Forever we’ve seen high profile men – almost always men – chasing people for sex, abusively. For the last few years, some high-profile men have been held at least a little accountable for it, which means it is not always swept under the rug anymore. But now that the abuse is more visible, if you stare into that abyss long enough, it might start to stare back at you. You could end up lying on your bed wondering if being a guy while being horny is somehow inherently tainted and gross. Most of us want to find someone or a few someones, for relationships or hookups, but right now, looking at some of that foulness, it might feel like trying to find a partner is a minefield of red flags because men’s sexuality is inextricably abusive.

    It isn’t.