Some things: I’m 21 and in college, I’m a fat gay guy who’s trans, and I’m probably also autistic (every psychiatrist I’ve had has said “I’m not technically qualified to say this but I think you’re autistic. Maybe get tested”), but the test is expensive and won’t even really do anything good for my life right now anyway. So suffice to say, I’m not great at socializing or dating or meeting people or clubbing or having fun. I don’t approach people in person because I know I’m not what people want (it feels like the gay guys that like trans guys like twinks, the guys that like fat guys don’t like trans guys, the trans guys that date other trans guys don’t like fat guys, or they don’t think I’m trans unless I say something, etc.). I’ve dated two guys, but they weren’t very nice to me, and I get scared easily too. I just really wish I could at least make friends. I’m scared generally of approaching anyone and so that means I’m bad at socializing ‘cause I’ve never practiced and I lack the instincts to do it correctly.
Basically my question is what should I do about all this? Diet and exercise really only keep me at my current weight unless I do stuff that makes me pass out or feel so much pain I can’t sleep, which is bad for my grades, so losing the weight isn’t really an option right now. I have like three friends I can trust and one guy who keeps talking to me, but I’m very scared of him because he is very handsome, and so I think he either pities me or wants something from me, should I practice socializing with them? How I met them doesn’t really apply here since one of my friends was my roommate in freshman year and was already friends with the other two, and the guy I’m scared of just kinda approached me after the class we both had while I was waiting for the bus and then kept showing up where I was hanging out.
Too long, didn’t read: How do I learn to socialize when I’m fat, gay, and trans, and if possible how do I start dating again? Should I try to go to events centered around fat “appreciation” and hope my transness is fine?
Hello! As another fat trans person who’s autistic, I want you to first know you’re not alone, and that includes struggling with dating. Just like everywhere else, there are often very restrictive body norms in the LGBTQIA+ community, including in what certain queer identities “should” look like. You’re not alone in navigating that, even though I know it can sure feel like you are.
You’re also not alone in feeling like kindness from others could be just pity. I’ve had to work that feeling through constantly in my life. Allow me to reassure you of this reality: there’s often less going on in somebody’s behavior or motivations than one might expect. There are countless facets of reality laced with double-meanings and layers of unspoken truths. Physical gestures and dynamics with people can have those too.
The kinds of rapport you’re describing, though, sound like people who just enjoy being around you. Again, speaking from experience, it’s easy to get lost catastrophizing in one’s head endless conspiracies over why somebody’s nice to you. I can guarantee you, though, that far more often than not the kindness you’re experiencing is genuine rather than a precursor to betrayal.
It’s also awesome that you’ve got fat appreciation events on your radar. I think those social spaces would be sublime for you when it comes to reinforcing the reality that the real world is full of all kinds of body types. It’s understandable to be nervous about your transness in such spaces, but if I were you, I’d plunge head-first and indeed “hope [your] transness is fine.” If it’s a space worth being in, then your transness will be no issue at all. If there’s any hostility or othering going on, then they can all take a hike. That’ll just serve as an overt signifier that this particular space isn’t one deserving of your presence.
You say that you really wish you could make friends. I can assure you that being in these kinds of spaces is a recipe for bonding with other people and making some pals. There’s a good chance you’re not the only one dealing with loneliness and stigma within the queer community. At events tailored more towards fat people and not just one body type, you have a really good chance of finding others who’ve been through similar experiences as you. From those overlapping characteristics come opportunities to develop friendships that can last even after the event is finished.
If you’re feeling awkward at these events, even that could be a good way to meet and develop common ground with others. Speaking from experience as someone whose been shuffling around nervously in the corner at events where I didn’t know a ton of people, nobody is ever the only uncomfortable person at a social function. Finding other people who may not know anyone or feel a bit shy and using that as a springboard for greater conversations can also be an effective way to build up some new friendships.
Returning to something else mentioned in your letter, I want to reference the “one guy who keeps talking to me, but I’m very scared of him because he is very handsome.”
If I may offer a suggestion, I’d plunge in, pursue that dynamic flirtatiously, and see where it goes. Speaking from experience, I’ve spent my life expressing immense timidity about anything related to romance. I’ve dated women whom I’ve taken almost a year to ask if I could hold their hand! I know that mindset of being more afraid of what could go wrong and the worst possible outcomes than intrigued by what could go right.
Timidity and taking things slow are both obviously okay. However, I’ve also found that it’s often better to take a bold chance, leave it all out on the floor, and navigate whatever messiness follows, then to eternally regret never even trying. From what you describe, this sounds like a person who’s attracted to your gregarious personality, and who (again, just from what you wrote) doesn’t have automatically discernible hostility. It’s totally rational to find pursuing this connection nerve-wracking, but it could also lead to glorious memories you more than deserve to carve out. I’d urge you to follow up with that “one guy” and see if going out is something he’d like to do.
Most of all, I want to just reinforce something to you above all else: I promise you, there are places for you to be loved, welcomed, and comfortable in. Even when you feel lonely or like that reality couldn’t be further from the truth, I assure you, it’s always true. As someone whose endured pervasive feelings of loneliness and insecurity over whether people “actually” like me, it’s easy to get wrapped up in those toxic hypotheticals that feel so real.
Infinitely more real than any of those catastrophized scenarios, though, is the reality that the LGBTQIA+ community has room for all of us, including folks of all body types. I promise you, there are social spaces perfect for you out there (and promising connections via people like that handsome fella that might be crushing on you). Never forget that reality or hoping for something better, even when conventional queer spaces try erasing you. We’re all worthy of the love and connections that we dream of.
