Navigating dating is rarely easy. There are dating app profiles to create, and we must decide how much information about ourselves to disclose to apps or individuals. We have to figure out and explain what we’re looking for in potential partners, and how to keep ourselves safe. Dating also tends to cost us money, energy and time, and when we’re new to dating, it’s particularly easy to feel lost or overwhelmed. Online dating isn’t the only means to find future partners. There are parent support groups, education classes, and even the possibility of meeting organically when you’re out and about. Often, well-meaning families offer to introduce us to potential partners, as do our friends. All of these different ways of dating come with a range of things we need to navigate and all of these different ways of dating can ask a lot of us.
If you’re a parent who wants to date, this adds even more layers of complexity to the picture. Dating as a young parent can feel fraught, but it doesn’t have to be, especially if you make some considerations up front. It’s important to think about how you’re going to introduce partners to your kids, when that feels comfortable for you, and how to talk to your kids about dating and your being away from home.
Find a regular sitter
While this may sound like a dream come true, it’s vital to work towards if you plan to date. After all, you won’t be able to and likely also won’t want to bring your child or children along on dates. If cost is a factor, consider trading services with another parent, be they a friend, neighbor, co-worker or relative. Having a regular sitter who you and your child(ren) can trust, who is comfortable and knowledgeable about your routines, and who is consistent makes dating as a young parent easier.
Make dating a priority
This may sound unrealistic, considering how much you have on your plate already, but if dating is important to you, then you should make it a priority. You can work on obtaining a regular sitter, put aside funds for dates, and take time for yourself to get ready for your date.
No pressure
Dating doesn’t have to be the road to marriage, cohabitation or other major commitments. It’s okay to date just for fun if that’s where you are right now or where you are, period. Just be honest with yourself and whomever you’re dating about what you’re looking for from the start and as you go.
Don’t ignore your gut/red flags
Whether it’s over the phone, in person, or even via text, if your gut is telling you something isn’t right, that’s probably because it isn’t. It doesn’t matter if it’s date one or date fifty, if your spidey-senses are tingling — listen.
Consider waiting to introduce partners to your kids
Especially if you’re just having a little fun, it could be best to wait to introduce new partners to your kids. Six months is a good rule of thumb to wait. It’s possible you may never introduce them at all, at least not as a potential partner. It’s okay to say they’re a friend, if/until they’re more.
Don’t force a bond
If and when you do decide to introduce your kids to someone you’re dating, don’t try to force a bond between them. It’s normal at first for there to be some tension. This is a new person in their life after all, and your child will need time to get to know them, sort out their own feelings, and figure out if they can trust them. Have a discussion with your partner about when it is mutually agreeable for everyone to meet, keeping in mind what feels most comfortable for you and your children.
Don’t feel guilty
A lot of new and young parents feel guilty about dating. Society tells them, especially young women, they should be focusing only on their children, with some cultures being judgmental toward young parents who don’t have a partner, or that it’s selfish to want something for themselves. This couldn’t be further from the truth. As the old adage goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Dating as a young parent can be part of self-care, doing things for yourself, and finding and building intimate relationships for yourself, which in turn can make you a better parent.
Remain balanced
It’s easy to get caught up in a new love, but as you know, there are other parts of your life that need attention, too. Work, your kid or kids and other blood or chosen family, the rest of your life and love: they all deserve and need attention. It’s important to show your children how to maintain a healthy balance in their relationships, as well. Time management becomes more crucial and is something you can consider before you begin dating. Sit down with your schedule and be honest about where you have time to carve out for a partner and what that might look like for you. It will make being able to focus on the rest of life a bit easier if you know ahead of time what your time constraints are.
Stay safe
Young mothers, especially, can be targets for predatory people in dating, and easy targets when hungry for comfort, companionship, or help, which can so often be the case in this world that’s so hard on young mothers. Consider leaving out the fact that you’re a parent from your online dating profile and only disclose it to someone after a few dates, and after you are pretty sure they’re safe. You’ll also want to be cognizant of love bombing, a manipulative tactic where someone overwhelms another person with affection, attention, and praise to gain control over them.
Navigating dating as a young parent is always going to be more complicated than dating without kids, but it’s a worthwhile effort. Keeping a healthy balance in our lives, taking care of our own social, mental and physical needs and wants, emulating healthy relationships for our children, and having other kinds of intimate relationships besides those with our kids are all important. While it can be scary to consider allowing someone new into our lives, it’s something we can do with time, consideration, and a bit of work ahead of the game.
