Granny Panties

I'm 16 and I used to be pregnant.

I was with Josh, my boyfriend of a year, when my period⁠ hadn't arrived. I told Josh immediately, remaining calm and together. Deep down I was a nervous wreck. We had always used condoms, but the risk of getting pregnant was still there. Unfortunately, I found out⁠ the hard way. On Christmas Eve, I went to the doctors because I wasn't feeling well. It turned out I had a bacterial respiratory infection⁠ . The urine pregnancy test⁠ turned out negative. I was relieved, but in the back of my mind, I was just pretending. I knew I was pregnant. I could sense it.

I continued on with my daily activities as if I was a "normal" teenager. I went to school and concerts. I put on a great act to everyone, even my best friend. The only person that I couldn't hide it from was my mom. She knew; she has the same intuition that I do. Never telling her outright was racking my guilt, but I just couldn't do it.

Finally I decided to have an abortion⁠ ; there is no way I could raise a baby at 16. I had Josh call some clinics, but obviously he didn't know when the last time I had my period or other personal information. I had to call myself. I put it off because I'm a pussy. I am a scared little girl growing into a woman and here I am, pretending everyday that everything is ok, but it wasn't.

I went to a clinic two Saturdays ago. All I could think about was that I couldn't stand waiting in that room anymore. The funny thing is, they had a children's network on the TV. We watched Pokemon and other strange cartoons. Josh and I discussed how He-Man and Transformers were classic TV. It's a shame they didn't stick around.

Finally they called me in, and I don't remember much because of the IV sedation they gave me. My doctor was a male, and when he walked in the room, I wanted to ask for a female doctor, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I was out of it during the procedure, but I do remember strange pains and lots of distraught moaning. The nurse stroked my hair, just like my mom used to do. I don't know if I cried.

When the nurse helped me put my underwear on, I said to her, "I call these my granny panties 'cause they are so big."

She said, "Honey, I know grandmas that wear thongs!" We shared a hearty laugh, then she wheeled me to the recovery room. In the room there was a pretty blonde girl in the bed next to me; she looked about 19. I couldn't sleep, I just laid there, still a bit groggy from the sedation. I don't remember what was said before hand, but I remember the girl said, "I just want to go home and eat, I am so hungry." I laughed and agreed with her, then got up, ate a graham cracker, drank warm tea, and left. Josh drove me home in my car. It was the first time he had ever driven it. I'm so protective of my car.

That afternoon, Josh dropped me off at my house and then started to walk home. As I was walking up my steps he ran back, grabbed my arm, turned me around and kissed me. I have never had a kiss like that before.

It was the last kiss that we shared. Sure, we kissed, but it wasn't like that kiss ever again. He dumped me yesterday, on Valentine's day of all days. Like my grandma always said, "Boys come and go, but your mom will always be there." Grandma was right. My mom supported me throughout this whole mess and she even took Josh his ring back last night for me.

I still can't believe I was 16 and pregnant, and now all of a sudden I'm not. Some day I will have kids. Just not today. I have other things to worry about, like finding a date for junior prom and worrying about getting into college.

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"My Mom Had an Abortion" is a comic written by Beezus B. Murphy, illustrated by Tatiana Gill, and produced by the Shout Your Abortion network. It tells a unique and personal coming of age story, while emphasizing the importance of choice. In this interview between two high school students across the country from one another, interviewer Zosia Johnson and Beezus discuss this story, and why Beezus decided to share it.