I’m an AFAB person who is close enough to feeling cis. I’m not a trans man, and I don’t wish I was a boy, but I really wish I had a penis. I don’t want a flat chest, or a more “masculine” body. I want to be an hourglass figure with breasts and curves and maybe even a vagina, but I also want a penis. It just feels like it would be more right. I started feeling like this maybe six months ago or more. Whenever I masturbate, I can’t orgasm without imagining myself with a penis. Is something wrong with me? Is there some reason I feel like this, like a large clitoris or some sort of brain development thing?
Hey there, friend!
You’re not the first, only, or last cis woman to think about what life might be like with a penis, and to integrate it into your fantasies or wishes. Your brain and anatomy are doing just fine. While we live in a culture that associates penises with men, lots of people who aren’t men have penises, including some women, and some people have both penises and vaginas. Penises can be pretty fun!
There are lots of ways to be a woman and have a relationship to your body. If the sensation of having a penis feels affirming, right, and good for you, it’s something you can explore. Solo masturbation and your imagination are a great, safe, and fun place to start with this, which it sounds like you’re already doing.
This is also an opportunity to think about whether there are terms to refer to your anatomy that you like better than the ones you’re currently using. Just because you have what’s scientifically called a vagina and clitoris doesn’t mean that you have to call them that. Some people refer to the anatomical structure known as the clitoris as a penis, dick, cock, or by another nickname that feels right to them and ask their partners to do the same; you don’t have to settle on using one term consistently all the time, either. In addition to thinking about having a penis, some other things to integrate could include using stroker toys or wearing a harness with a dildo (also known as “strapping”), something you can do during sex with a partner, masturbation, or just because.
You can think about having a penis in contexts other than masturbation if you like. Some people like to pack: keeping a prosthetic, balled-up socks, or some other bulky item in their underwear that can give them the sensation and look of having a penis. You can pack with many types of underwear, but some people like to wear more full-coverage briefs or underwear designed for packing. You can also sew a pocket into the front of your underwear to keep your package contained.
If you have a partner or partners you feel comfortable with now or in the future, and you’re not doing so already, you might want to share your feelings with them and see how it feels to integrate your feelings into mutual masturbation, shared fantasies, or other kinds of partnered sex. You can take that step by step and roll it back if you’re ever feeling uncomfortable or want to slow down.
Remember that we learn about ourselves by trying things out. You can always decide something isn’t for you if you try something that doesn’t feel right. And revisiting things later is okay too!
You mention that you can’t orgasm without imagining yourself with a penis, and it sounds like that might be causing some discomfort or anxiety for you. There’s nothing to feel bad about here. If you think you’re stuck in a rut, there are a ton of ways to integrate your feelings into masturbation and partnered sex (about as many ways as there are penises), whether that’s expanding your fantasies, using different props, or exploring different sexual media. Be curious, and don’t put pressure on yourself to have an orgasm every time you masturbate. You might want to check out “With Pleasure,” our founder Heather’s guide to the many factors at work when we experience pleasure, to get inspired.
Finally, while all of us need to stop equating anatomy (and thinking about parts you do and don’t have or want) with gender, you DO say that you’re “close enough” to being cis. I’m not sure what that looks like for you, but I did want to take a moment to talk about it.
There are two threads to think about here: One is gender expression, which is pretty much what it sounds like. It’s way you express (act, talk about, perform) your personal relationship to your gender.
The other is gender identity, which is how you think about your gender itself. Your gender identity may be “cis woman,”but if you feel “close” to being cis, you might want to check out our Genderpalooza primer to learn more about different gender identities. It sounds like you definitely don’t think you’re a guy, but there’s a whole lot of space between “woman” and “man.”
It just might be that you’re gender-nonconforming: a woman whose identity and expression don’t match with social attitudes about what a woman should look like is often a gender-nonconforming person. Some butch and masc people—often associated with lesbian culture but not exclusively lesbian—for example, identify as gender-nonconforming women and they may express their gender through the way they dress, style their hair, and move through the world.
You might land somewhere along the nonbinary spectrum, which is how some people feel when their assigned or presumed gender doesn’t fit right. Nonbinary people may see themselves as cis, trans, or neither. Some nonbinary people are interested in gender-affirming medical care such as hormones or surgery, but not everyone is.
Gender identity and expression are both fluid and diverse. Some people feel a very fixed, consistent relationship to their gender and express it very consistently—like my cis dad, who’s had the same haircut since 1982 and I’m pretty sure is also wearing the same pair of jeans.
Some people may have a very strong attachment to a given gender identity, but they express their gender in varied ways day-to-day and moment to moment. Lots of cis guys, for example, wear nail polish as part of their gender expression even though many people think nail polish is only for women or femmes. Other people—whatever their gender—may dress, use makeup, and do their hair totally differently every morning: Flowy skirts and a corset on Wednesday, and jeans with a flannel shirt on Thursday.
Other people have fluid gender identities and expression. The way they think about their gender may shift over time as they feel more one way or another, and they might express themselves differently, too. For some people that might include using different names and pronouns, going on and off hormones, or doing other things that make them feel good. This fluid relationship to gender can last a lifetime, but it doesn’t have to, and sometimes exploring different gender identity and expression helps people think their way through their own gender and land on a way to describe themselves that feels right.
You don’t need to stick a label on yourself when you’re not ready to, or ever, and it’s also okay to claim something that feels right for you and later come to a different understanding of yourself. Give yourself space to breathe and explore!
If you need a friendly ear or someone to talk to, you can check out our direct services; there are people on the Scarleteam who’ve been (or are) where you are.
