A growing number of visitors coming to Scarleteen’s direct services are telling us that they feel their relationships to masturbation, pornography, and sex are harmful. They think sex and sexual media, whether solo or partnered, are bad for them in some way, often because they’ve read something on the internet, seen it on TikTok or YouTube, or heard from friends. Some say they are in “porn recovery,” claim they have sex or porn “addiction,” or participate in forums like NoFap or r/pornfree.
Here’s the short answer to these worries: Masturbation, pornography, sex, orgasm, and other parts of human sexuality are not, by themselves, bad for us. They don’t cause infertility. They don’t cause what’s often called “sexual dysfunction.” And they’re not morally wrong. People who make claims otherwise are either dishonest, misinformed, or both.
Most of these attitudes are coming from disinformation—some of it quite intentional—that can be incredibly dangerous. It doesn’t just shame people for their sexuality. It can contribute to extremist, hateful, and sometimes violent beliefs that harm everyone.
It’s important to understand why these claims are wrong, what the science actually says, and how these ideas interact with larger misogyny, extremism, and toxic masculinity.
Here are some common – and all entirely false – claims we have recently heard from readers:
- Watching porn, masturbating, or having sex are universally morally or socially wrong
- Abstinence, and “retaining semen” by not ejaculating, will increase your testosterone levels
- People can get chemically addicted to sex or sexual media, or may be “hypersexual,” having what someone considers “too much sex” or watching “too much porn”
- Watching porn, masturbating, or having partnered sex causes …
- difficulty getting or maintaining erections, or difficulty with orgasm
- infertility
- changes to sexual orientation
- changes to sexual interests
- mental or physical health problems
- “desensitization”
- Men who watch sexual media, masturbate, or have partnered sex are “beta males” who are weaker or lesser
You saw a lot of air quotes in that list because, as we’ll address, so many of those terms or ideas presented as legit are anything but.
Let’s start with the claim that sexuality is just plain wrong
The idea that sexual activity is bad for you is ancient. Like, centuries oldexternal link, opens in a new tab. Various cultures, very much including in colonialism of all stripes, throughout history have recommended temporary or permanent abstention from sexual activity, whether for religious reasons, claims about morality, or in the context of beliefs about fertility or sexual prowess (whatever that’s supposed to mean—sex isn’t a performance and no one should be grading you on it).
People telling others that sexuality is immoral or only some kinds of sex are okay usually do so because they want to use claims about morality and sin as tools of power and control. Like how women have historically been told that having sex before marriage will “ruin” them and their bodies, and how some cultures have criminalized homosexuality or continue to do so. When it comes to moral or social beliefs, such as the idea that having sex for any reason other than procreation is bad, it’s flat-out untrue that sexuality as a whole is morally, ethically, or socially wrong. Shaming people for their sexuality and imposing your values on someone else, however, definitely is wrong. So is abuse within sexual contexts, just like it would be in any other setting; hurting people is not okay!
There are some religious traditions where people may practice abstinence as part of their faith, like in some Christian sects where priests are expected to remain celibate, or in celibate religious orders of monks and nuns. These people are making a personal decision influenced by their religious beliefs to abstain from sex—and they shouldn’t be judging others who don’t want to do so. Others have chosen to be abstinent or celibate for non-religious reasons, whether briefly or for life. That’s an individual journey.
Abstinence isn’t always a personal journey, as in the case of those who use scaremongering like that discussed above. Some of those people are looking for fame, attention, money, and social control, rather than making personal decisions about being sexual for their own reasons and sharing with others for charitable reasons. They’re also well aware that their movements can have an incredibly powerful impact on popular culture and may be part of larger right-wing and conservative movements.
Now let’s talk science
Let’s start with a biggie that gets repeated seemingly everywhere right now: The idea that masturbation, watching sexual media, or having partnered sex will cause testosterone levels to drop, which causes “sexual dysfunction” or infertility. Many people cite or reference a study from 2003 that claims that abstinence for a week or more will increase testosterone levels.
There are two problems with this study.
One, it was retractedexternal link, opens in a new tab, which means the “science” in the article did not stand up to closer examination, peer review, and attempts at replicating the findings. Abstention does not cause testosterone levels to increase.
The second issue is that even if sexual activity did affect testosterone levels, lower or higher levels do not usually affect fertility in people with penises, though for people with ovaries and a uterus, taking testosterone or having higher testosterone level can affect fertility. This hormone fluctuates for lots of reasons and while changes in testosterone levels can have sexual health effects, including changes in your level of interest in being sexual with people or the ways you want to be sexual, they’re usually part of something more complicated going on that needs to be addressed by a doctor.
Taking testosterone in an attempt to increase fertility, stamina, or other aspects of your sexuality can actually backfire: Too much testosterone in the body causes hormone imbalances that in some cases may cause changes to your sexual healthexternal link, opens in a new tab, such as decreased interest in sex or difficulty sustaining erections. (By the way, difficulty getting or sustaining erections can happen to anyone with a penis for all kinds of reasons, and it’s not something to be ashamed of. If it happens frequently, you notice a pattern, or it’s distressing you, talk to your doctor.) Taking supplements that promise to boost testosterone or sexual health can be expensive and pointless, or actively harmful, FYI, so don’t try that either.
Can you get addicted to sexual media or sex itself? No. Porn and/or sex “addiction” are not recognized clinical diagnoses, and in fact, focusing on these can obscure conversations about other, real mental health issues, such as compulsive behavior or intrusive thoughts. People who make these claims are at best repeating misinformation, but may also be actively lying to you or trying to profit in some way, as for example if they’re selling “porn recovery resources” to help you “fight addiction.” There’s no such thing as universally “too much sex” and “hypersexuality” is a soundly and highly-contested termexternal link, opens in a new tab.
People who worry a lot about whether their relationship to sexual media and sex is healthy may ironically be making their mental health worse—and if they do have concerns, as for example if they’re watching a lot of violent sexual media and it makes them feel uncomfortable, they will often benefit far more from talking with a qualified counselor, rather than by policing their porn viewing.
Do masturbating or watching porn cause difficulty getting or sustaining erections or changes to your interest in being sexual? No. In fact, a 2022 study in the Journal of Sexual Healthexternal link, opens in a new tab showed that anxiety about masturbation and porn can be harmful for your sexual and emotional health. In 2023, a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that misinformation about these topics, like that we see people reporting in our direct services, contributes to that fear and anxietyexternal link, opens in a new tab.
Do masturbating or watching porn cause infertility? No. Fertility is complicated and is influenced by a variety of environmental, genetic, and medical factors. Consuming sexual media isn’t one of them. And being sexual with someone isn’t inherently bad for fertility, although issues like untreated sexually transmitted infections, which can cause pelvic inflammatory disease in people with uteruses and scarring in the genital tract in people with penises, can affect fertilityexternal link, opens in a new tab. When people are actively trying to conceive, evidence does not support claims that frequent ejaculations affect fertility, and in fact, there’s some research to indicate that having more sexexternal link, opens in a new tab—at the right time in a partner’s cycle—is associated with higher conception rates.
Can masturbating or watching porn change your sexuality, or cause your sexual interests to change? No. You can’t forcibly “turn someone gay” or change what kinds of activities someone enjoys. Sexuality and identity are complicated and evolve over time; if you notice changes in how you think about yourself or your sexuality, those changes are the result of learning and growing, not what you’re watching or doing. Sometimes sexual media shows someone something it turns out they have a sexual interest in, something that changes perspective, or something that puts a name to a sexual something they didn’t know the name of before, but it’s not going to magically convert or change you.
Do sexual activity and sexual media cause mental or physical health problems? Not necessarily. For the most part, there’s a whole lot of evidence that exploring and expressing sexualityexternal link, opens in a new tab is actually good for you. It can help your heartexternal link, opens in a new tab, boost your immune systemexternal link, opens in a new tab, lower prostate cancer riskexternal link, opens in a new tab, improve mental healthexternal link, opens in a new tab, and so much more.
There are some cases where sex or sexual media could be harmful. When you’re being sexual with someone else, there’s always a risk of sexually transmitted infections, which can absolutely cause physical, sexual, and emotional health problems. They’re also treatable, and the earlier you treat them, the lower the risk of complications that could affect sexual health and fertility. And if you’re engaging in sex that could result in pregnancy, pregnancy comes with health risks too. In terms of sexual media, watching violent, nonconsensual, or simply upsetting media can wear on your mental health in addition to potentially contributing to dangerous beliefs about sexuality and being sexual with other people. And if you’re watching so much sexual media that it’s interrupting your social and personal life—making you skip school, say, or passing up on opportunities to hang out with friends—that’s a sign of a possibly unhealthy relationship with sexual media and also means you’re missing out on important connections with other people that are really important for your emotional wellbeing. This can also happen in reverse, too: If you’re being sexual or watching sexual media because you’re struggling with mental health and think that these things will fix it, they probably won’t, and could actually make it worse.
Will you get “desensitized” by masturbating or watching porn—that, for example, you’ll lose sensation in their penis, have trouble getting erections, have difficulty with orgasm, or only orgasm if you masturbate or are sexual with someone the same way every time? No. Being sexual or watching sexual media can help you learn more about what feels good, though. And if you feel stuck in a rut, you can always opt to diversify what kinds of sensations you explore and the media you watch. So-called “death grip syndrome” also isn’t real, but repeating the same sexual routines or sensations over and over might feel boring, because humans tend to seek diverse experiences and novelty. And it’s important to remember that orgasm doesn’t happen all the time, for anyone. Focusing on it as the expected end goal of every sexual activity overlooks the full spectrum of being sexual and creates a lot of unfair pressure for yourself and/or your partners. If you notice changes in sensitivity or responsiveness that changing things up doesn’t seem to help with, you might actually have an underlying sexual health issue that you need to address.
What this mean for our culture?
About those “beta males,” a term you may hear from men saying they’re “men’s rights activists,” “men going their own way,” or simply “alpha males.” No matter what they call themselves, these men think there’s only one way to be a man, and they draw on centuries of stereotypes about supposed physical or intellectual superiority, and the belief that expressing emotions or being empathetic are feminine traits, and therefore bad. Many sell a particular way of life, along with products, like supplements, online courses, and gadgets, that men need to buy in order to be sufficiently masculine.
To be an “alpha male,” they say, you need to be dominant, aggressive, conventionally attractive, and high status—earning lots of money, owning lots of flashy possessions, and having a high-profile job title. Men gain that status, men’s rights activists argue, by being ruthless and hypermasculine. These ideas are based in the idea that humans—and some other species—have a dominance hierarchy, where the most aggressive “wins,” but the science on this issue doesn’t back up these claimsexternal link, opens in a new tab.
Some hate women so much that they think men should abstain from sex altogether—others claim that they are forced into “involuntary celibacy” by women who think they are undesirable. Disgustingly, some suggest that they are entitled to sex, and that “sexual frustration” or “blue balls” cause men to be violent—and therefore, it’s society’s responsibly to cater to their needs. If women don’t, they’re at fault for men’s violent actions. I shouldn’t have to say this, but: This is not true. The only person responsible for your actions is you.
Some of these ideas are associated with right-wing extremism and violence. For example, in 2014, a man calling himself a men’s rights activist killed six people and wounded 14 others in Santa Barbara, CA. In 2018, a man drove a van into a crowd in Toronto, killing 18 people and referencing language from men’s rights forums to justify his actions. Another man using similar language killed eight people in Georgia in 2021, targeting spas where he believed women were providing sexual services. Many other mass killers have expressed beliefs straight out of the “manosphere,” the constellation of forums, private messaging, groups, and other areas where these kinds of men gather. In particular, several studies have explicitly found connections between NoFap and violent actsexternal link, opens in a new tab, including language from the forum quoted verbatim by perpetratorsexternal link, opens in a new tab.
These attitudes are harmful for everyone.
For people who aren’t cis men, misogyny has huge consequences. Trans men, for example, often struggle with the dual pressures of transphobia and toxic masculinity on their lives as they learn more about themselves. And nonbinary and otherwise gender nonconforming people encounter the same highly gendered social attitudes that divide people into two (inaccurate) categories: Men and women, each with their expected gender roles. As a result, society treats women, those assumed to be women, and anyone with gender expression that others think is “feminine” as lesser. That includes people who work in professions associated with women and those who value empathetic communication and believe in gender equity, who may also be punished directly or indirectly for being who they are. Sexism fueled by misogyny shows up everywhere you can imagine, from doctors’ offices to the workplace to the arts. Some women—and they’re usually cis women, specifically, since trans men and women; nonbinary; and otherwise gender-nonconforming people don’t spend a lot of time in conservative, “alpha male” spaces—who are deeply embedded in right-wing culture may themselves believe messaging about alpha males, thinking they are lesser and should focus on staying at home to care for children and serve their husbands.
For men, pressure to perform masculinity in a particular way can be radicalizing, encouraging them to harm others and hero worship men who call themselves the leaders of the “alpha male” community. These attitudes discourage forming meaningful relationships of any kind, not just sexual, with women. Men may also go to extremes to access that “alpha” status, including spending money on extensive plastic surgery and developing disordered relationships to food and exercise. Those who buy into these ideas and think they are falling short may experience low self-esteem and other harmful mental health consequences.
If you are worried about your relationship to sex and/or sexual media …
Human sexuality is incredibly diverse. Many visitors who come to us worried about sex and sexual media have interests that are very common and nothing to be concerned about. Social attitudes about sex and sexual media are often designed to make people feel ashamed, rather than normalizing and encouraging conversations about a more sex positive, expansive, inclusive view of human sexuality. As in other aspects of life, if someone is trying to make you feel bad, it’s worth pausing to think about who benefits when you feel that way (usually not you).
Your anxiety about your relationship to sex and sexual media might actually be more harmful than anything else, but there are some rare exceptions. If you are harming people when you are being sexual with them—pressuring them into activities they don’t want to do, not respecting their boundaries, or engaging in activities that leave marks or cause injuries without consent and mutual respect, that’s cause for concern. If you are consuming sexual media that is harmful or encouraging others to do so—such as child sexual material or pornography that features nonconsensual acts, torture, or other forms of abuse, that’s also cause for concern.
If you feel like your sexuality or engagement with sexual media is interfering with your ability to live your life, that may also suggest that you just need to take a pause to evaluate. For example, if you’re routinely missing class or work; isolating yourself from friends or family; or not meeting deadlines or obligations, you may need to develop a healthier relationship with sex and sexual media …and take a look at other things in your life that might be playing a role here too.
Simply trying to abstain from sex and sexual media won’t resolve these issues, and neither will attempting to enforce artificial limits without exploring why you feel this way, how you got here, and what a healthier relationship might look like going forward. You may find it helpful to connect with a therapist or support group, but be aware that not every therapist is a good therapist, and not every support group has your best interests in mind. Someone who says they specialize in porn or sex “addiction,” for example, is not following evidence-based medicine or ethical guidelines. Look for someone, or a support group, with experience around the full spectrum of human sexuality, not one that pushes an abstinence-only approach or promises to help you suppress your sexuality.
The big picture
A healthy relationship to sexuality, sexual media, and other people is one that is openhearted, balanced, communicative, and kind, including to yourself. It’s a regular, and sometimes very important, part of your life—humans are social animals, and we love to connect with each other. Intimacy, and not just sexual intimacy, is good for us. Sexual media can allow us to access new parts of ourselves, explore our sexuality, and experience mental health benefits like stress relief. Rejecting the belief that there’s only one right way to be a man, to be sexual, to engage with sexual media, helps everyone.
You may have heard people say that “everything is good in moderation” to suggest that there’s a finite amount of sexual activity that’s good for you, and that you need to “moderate” your sexuality in some way, but it’s worth quoting a frequent follow-up: “Including moderation.”
