I really hate my period

For some of us, periods can be a sensory nightmare. The discomfort of bloating, cramps, nausea, menstrual⁠ (menstrual: Having to do with menstruation.) flow, pads, and tampons can be overwhelming. Being in pain is difficult and exhausting, physically and mentally. For folks like you, who feel torn away from the things that usually make them feel good while having a period⁠ (period: The fluid – or flow – which contains blood, from the shedding of the uterine lining usually at the end of each menstrual cycle. Sometimes periods may be less fluid and more globby; this is the state that is often mistaken for blood clotting.) , it can also be an emotionally and socially isolating time.

I grew up in a small town with a strong hippie culture. When I was 11, my mom took me to a mother-daughter group where we were taught about the so-called magic we would experience when we first experienced our “moons,” how we would enter the sacred temple of womanhood and we would celebrate and wear red and bleed freely into the river and sing songs. Or something along those lines. Essentially, we were told we would LOVE our periods.

Four years later, when I started having periods, the kind that made it feel like there was flaming barbed wire being wrapped around my abdomen and someone was doing surgical experimentation in my uterus⁠ (uterus: An internal, muscular reproductive organ in the pelvis. During pregnancy, this is where a fetus will develop. The lining of a person’s uterus is also the thing that sheds every menstrual cycle in what we call a period.) with a rusty saw, I wondered: how would I even make it off the couch to the river for a drum circle? 

I personally don’t love my period. But, I think we don’t have to love something to make it less miserable or to accept it. Instead of forcing love and adoration you might not be able to feel, especially so early in your history with periods, I suggest you try reducing misery and making space for joy and pleasure in discomfort instead. 

I want to be clear that extreme pain is something to seek care for. There is a long and nasty sexist and racist history around ignoring or disbelieving period pain. You might experience this with friends, family, teachers, and even doctors, nurses, and other folks who provide healthcare. Because of this, I encourage you to keep detailed notes on what you experience, when your pain is at its worst and what it feels like, and take this record to a doctor. It can take years of immense pain to receive adequate attention, and even then, because science isn’t funded equitably, there are poor amounts of research on period pain compared to the massive amounts of people who experience it. 

Period pain does tend to be more severe in the first several years of menstruation⁠ (menstruation: The shedding of the uterine lining as part of the menstrual cycle.) . At 13, because your menstrual cycle⁠ (menstrual cycle: The whole of the phases of menstruation, which include, but are not limited to, the menstrual period.) is a new experience, seeking care might mean asking a doctor to record your symptoms in your chart to begin documentation that could be helpful if the pain continues to be extreme as you grow older.

Minimizing discomfort 

Heat can be very helpful in managing crampsexternal link, opens in a new tab, as it helps muscles relax with few negative effects. Some sort of heating pack, pad, or blanketcan be amazing. For light or at home use, a DIY heating pack can be made with things you might have around alreadyexternal link, opens in a new tab, like a solo cotton sock or old flannel shirt and some rice. For me, a moist-heat blanket has been the first thing that actually helps. 

I have found rechargeable hot packs to relieve a lot of discomfort, which is helpful when you’re not at home. If such a thing existed when I was younger, I would have missed a lot less school. Make sure to always follow the instructions on any heating devices, use a fabric barrier between the very hot thing and your body, and be aware even low heat left on for a long time can cause burning. 

Knowing that your body can be extra sensitive during your period, wearing comfortable clothing can make things less overstimulating. While some people like a little extra compression on their abdomens during periods, others might find the least restrictive clothes to feel the best. 

The same can go for what you choose to absorb or collect menstrual flow. Options abound! Since you mention you feel “grossed out⁠ (out: Short for ‘out of the closet’. When someone’s LGBTQ+ identity is known to other people.) ” about your own flow, a menstrual disc or cup might add to the stress, but a dark-colored pair of underwear designed for people who are menstruating could be comfortable. It might also be helpful to understand that only about 35% of what we call period “blood” is actually blood! The majority of it is other stuff: uterine tissue, vaginal discharge⁠ (discharge: In the context of sex and sexual health, any number of fluids which come from the genitals. Plenty of genital discharge is healthy, while some discharges can be symptoms of illness.) , and cells and bacteria from the vaginal lining. 

It doesn’t sound like pain-relieving medications bring you much pain relief (me too!). The most effective way to take NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs, like ibuprofen) for period pain is to start taking them before your period pain starts, so that the drugs block prostaglandinsexternal link, opens in a new tab (lipds produced by our bodies that act like hormones⁠ (hormones: Chemicals – via our endocrine system – that send messages across our bodies and brains. They both naturally exist and can also be made in a lab.) and which can increase pain). But it’s okay to not like taking these types of medicines: they can cause stomach discomfort, and for those of us who feel bad more often than not, we risk over-use. I like having a safe snack on hand to have along with medications, as well as to reduce panic and decision fatigue when I realize I am way too hungry to think clearly.

Finding ways to access pleasure 

Sometimes, our bodies aren’t up for activities we otherwise love. We can learn a lot of lessons here from physically disabled folks who navigate these ebbs and flows in energy and ability, and learn to adapt joyful activities for all kinds of days. I like to make myself a cozy nest out of blankets and pillows, with essentials nearby, turn my heated blanket up, and read some YA graphic novels. Though I usually prefer reading dark and emotional novels about sad women, I lower the bar. For someone who has a higher all-around physical capacity than me, that might look like going for a short walk and sitting on a park bench instead of hiking: you still get the fresh air, or the sun, but in a way that you can actually access. 

It seems like masturbation⁠ (masturbation: Ways that people seek out and/or experience sexual pleasure by themselves, without a sexual partner.) is feeling inaccessible while you’re menstruating. I’ll remind you that there are infinite ways to engage with masturbation, if that’s something you’d like to do. You might see what you can do through underwear, or without making direct contact with your vulva⁠ (vulva: The name for the external genitals of people assigned female at birth. The vulva includes the mons, external clitoris, inner and outer labia, fourchette and perineum.) /vaginal canal. 

Get that shame away from me!

So, maybe you aren’t thrilled about having a period, but you can send a message to your body that you will take it easy, take it seriously, and respect its boundaries. Sounds like a good relationship⁠ (relationship: An ongoing interaction or association with another person, place or thing.) , right? This could create a different feeling when you talk to your loved ones or share what you’re experiencing. 

It is tough to say this, but period pain can be dismissed by other people, even those who’ve had periods. Some of them don’t experience much pain or discomfort, and think others must be exaggerating or lying. Some experience tons of pain and discomfort, but have been told they are exaggerating or lying so many times that they grit their teeth and push through it. 

I had to miss some work early this year while I got surgery to diagnose and treat endometriosis (which can cause extremely painful periods). I didn’t tell my boss or my coworkers what type of surgery I was getting, because of that internalized voice that told me they’ll think you’re overdramatic and silly.

Shame can be a large and looming companion to pain. We might feel like being in pain makes us unproductive, no fun, too needy, or like you said, “a bother.” 

Pain is not a moral punishment or something we bring upon ourselves. It is part of life and having a body. We are not weak when we experience pain in something others don’t. And especially in our most painful moments, we deserve care.

Exercising autonomy

When we develop a more caring relationship with ourselves and let go of some of the pain and shame, we can be better situated to ask for what we need. 

When I was about 13, I heard about a girl my age taking a pill to “stop her period” and I legitimately thought it was fake. I had never heard of such a fantastical invention. It took me more years of subpar sex⁠ (sex: Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. ) ed to learn that some hormonal birth control⁠ (birth control: Any number of methods people use to intentionally prevent unwanted pregnancy, including the condom, the cervical barrier, the implant, the patch, the pill, the rhythm method, the ring, the shot, the IUD, spermicide and withdrawal.) methods, like the combination pill, can do that. IUDs can do that. Testosterone can do that. Hysterectomies can do that. While very few providers will offer most of those options to someone at 13, I think it can be empowering to know that this isn’t necessarily the rest of your life until menopause. I got an IUD⁠ (IUD: Intra-uterine device. A long-term birth control method inserted into the uterus by a healthcare provider. Also called an IUS (Intrauterine system) or IUC (Intrauterine contraceptive).) , and though I still unfortunately haven’t had any reduction in pain, I have a lighter flow, and that has been a massive relief. 

But the biggest ways I practice these ideas happens outside of medical environments. It happens when I am alone, working hard to continually reinforce the message to myself that it is okay to experience pain and discomfort, and that I can gift myself the autonomy⁠ (autonomy: The state or condition of being independent and/or having the right to independence.) to say yes and no. I will be my own friend through this, and do the things that make it easier to exist. I wish for you the safety and ability to practice this for yourself, as well.