Article

If You Have Been Sexually Assaulted

28 min read • first published Aug 15th 1999 • updated Dec 17th 2025 • 140,302 views

I once received an email asking me what else sex⁠ was, besides vaginal intercourse⁠. The thing is, vaginal intercourse – and any kind of genital or “sexual” contact, or any kind of touch we think of as sexual, for that matter – is not sex for all people all the time. What we’re doing or are part of, and what body parts are involved, doesn’t tell us if something was sex or not all by itself.

[sidebar] I’m a sex educator and a survivor of sexual assaults who is dedicated to ending sexual abuse and assault, and to championing consensual and healthy expressions of sexuality. Doing my best to make sure everyone understands the difference between sexual assault and sex is core in all of my work. I care deeply for and about other survivors, so doing what I can to also help victims of sexual abuse and assault navigate the often long aftermath, and our unique healing processes, is also very important to me. This guide has existed in a few iterations since the late 1990s and I hope that it can continue to do both of those things. - H [/sidebar]

Whether or not something is sex is about how everyone involved feels about it, and if everyone involved is intending to express their sexuality in actions, and is doing so with consent⁠. The motivations for two people engaged in consensual sex are usually things like pleasure, intimacy and connection, self-discovery and a deeper understanding of each other, and fun. The motivations for sexual assault and abuse are almost always power and control. If you or someone else has been sexually assaulted or abused, you or they have not “had sex,” or initiated or included yourselves in a sexual act. Sexual assault and abuse are not sex. They are sexual assault and abuse.

Were the public sentiment, and the way some people use sex, different, one would not even include rape when discussing sex — besides talking about it for survivors so far as dealing with the impact it can have on our sex lives — because it is NOT sex, most certainly not for the person being raped. Partnered sex is not so simple as to be one physical act determined by one person, or something we figure happens because of one body part having a certain kind of contact with another: sex is something we do alone or with a partner⁠ or partners when we are mutually and willingly aroused, physically and emotionally, and when anyone and everyone engaging in sex has fully and freely given their consent. Sex is not what one person does to another: but something which everyone involved does, willingly, actively and gladly, together. When we say “sex,” what we mean is any number of different things people freely choose to do to tangibly and actively express or enact their sexuality and their sexual feelings.

Were our thoughts, as a whole people, more broad and wider in scope on sexuality, and were we not living in a longstanding rape culture, we would understand that an act of sexual assault, typically legally defined as “a sexual act committed against a person’s will,” is only a sexual act for the perpetrator, and even then, often has far more to do with other motivations, such as power, dominance, control, anger and emotional imbalance, than it does with the desire⁠ to be sexual.

William Blake, in the late 1700’s, wrote a piece entitled Visions of the Daughters of Albion. The premise of this piece was revolutionary for the time: Oothoon, a woman in love with Theotormon, is raped by another man, Bromion. Despite Theotormon’s expressed feelings to her that she is “spoiled,” she boldly asserts otherwise. Oothoon – and Blake – states clearly that she is incapable of being spoiled, ruined or sullied by the action of others upon her, in which she had no part or engagement with. Bromion is rape culture. Oothoon is standing against it.

How do you know if you have been raped?

At ANY point, during any act in which your body is violated or utilized for someone else’s sexual gratification or expression of sexual power – be it via inserting something into the genitals⁠ or mouth, or more ambiguous acts such as being made to feel another’s body against your wishes – without your express permission or consent, then you have been sexually assaulted:raped, sexually abused, or both.

If you were never asked for your consent or permission in the first place, or, when you were, you have made clear, like by saying no or pushing the other person away, or even as simply as NOT actively participating and NOT saying yes, that you do not wish to be sexual in that moment, and have been forced, convinced or worn down, through physical force, emotional coercion or threat to do otherwise, then you have been sexually assaulted or abused.

I want to be clear that rape and other kinds of sexual abuse are also not just about something men do to women, nor are they only about physical force. People of all genders, with any kinds of body parts, can be and are sexually assaulted or abused; people of all genders can and do sexually assault or abuse others. While sexual assault is overwhelmingly a crime committed by cisgender⁠ men, women commit sexual assault, too. And while statistically, more women than men are raped, men are also raped, usually by other men, but not only by men. Transgender and gender nonconforming⁠ people can commit sexual assault and are raped as well.

Rape is when one person wants and pursues a sexual act on, to, or inside another person who does not want to participate, and who does not fully and freely consent to take part in that act. Consensual sex involves clear, active and glad yesses from everyone involved, both initially and throughout. Enthusiastic consent, a phrase you might have heard before, may look or feel different for different people, and what part or parts of sex people are enthusiastic about may vary. When we mean when we say “enthusiastic” is simply “strongly wanting to do.”

Partnered consensual sex is about people sharing a mutually wanted sexual experience; but rape is about what one person desires and chooses to do to that other person without or against their will.

Unwanted sexual touch or sexual use of someone through coercion — not just force — is sexual assault or abuse. To coerce someone sexually is to get them to engage in or be part of a sexual activity they do not want through things like guilt-trips or nagging, pouting, blackmailing, threats, bribes, intimidation or some other kind of emotional pressure or force.

Where on the body is unwanted touch generally considered rape from a legal perspective? Touching someone’s vulva⁠ or vagina⁠, breasts, buttocks, anus⁠, penis⁠, testicles, mouth, or other parts of the body without permission, when that touch is intentional and sexual on your part, or is considered sexual by most people, are all sexual assault. It is also rape to make someone else touch YOU when they don’t want to, or to force or coerce someone into doing something sexual with someone else.

It is also sexual assault when one person does something sexual on, to, or inside a person who is unable to give informed consent to sex because they’re asleep or otherwise incapacitated, like via drugs or alcohol (even if they drank or drugged of their own accord), because they’re ill, injured, or emotionally bereft, or due to lack of physical, intellectual or emotional maturity, developmental disability, mental illness, or because the person assaulting them is in a position of power over them, like a teacher, clergyperson or police officer. If someone engaged you sexually on their part when you were in a position of being unable to give consent or full consent, then you have been raped, sexually assaulted or abused.

No matter what ANYONE tells you – including your own mind – it is never your fault if you have been or are sexually assaulted or abused.

There certainly is fault, but it lies with the perpetrator, not the victim. It is that person or those people who chose to do what they did to you; it is that person or those people who are responsible for their actions. No one asks to be raped: no one asks for rape. If and when someone is asking for sex, and what they ask for is what is done, we’re not talking about rape, but about mutually wanted sex.

You may have walked home alone, you may have been at a party and had too much to drink, or you may have gone alone with someone and initially trusted them and wanted to be with them, but changed your mind, or been sexually engaged with someone and then decided you did not want to be at some point. You may have chosen to be with a romantic⁠ or sexual partner⁠ who raped you, and you may have had some clues before they assaulted you that they were not safe or healthy for you. You may have even experienced sexual arousal, or even orgasm, during a sexual assault. Even if any of these conditions were present, and even if you didn’t make choices that would have been more likely to keep you safe, if you have not given consent to share physically, and another has done so without your consent, the fault still lies with them and them only. No one takes a drink because they want to be raped; they take a drink because they want a drink. No one walks home alone to invite rape: we walk home alone usually because we need to get home and there isn’t anyone to walk home with, or we simply like walking alone! The person responsible for rape is always the person who chose to rape, not the person who was raped.

What should you do if you’ve been sexually assaulted or abused?

Ideally, you should first contact a friend, partner or family member you can trust, who can be with you indefinitely and immediately.

Having someone with you for emotional support and to advocate for you after you have been assaulted can be a real lifesaver, both right away and long term. No matter what your initial emotional response is — and it differs a lot among people — you will likely want someone you can trust and who you know cares for you to come, be sure you’re safe and give you care, support, or help. No matter what your initial emotional response is, it can be very challenging to take care of ourselves well all by ourselves after sexual assault or abuse. If you don’t have someone like that, or you can’t think of someone like that in the moment, rape crisis hotlines are another good option. You can use our direct services at Scarleteen, or you can put “rape crisis hotline” into a search engine with your location to find a local one that serves your area. A rape crisis hotline can also provide information about who may be legally required to report your sexual assault or abuse if you tell them about it (for example, teachers are usually required to file a report if a student under 18 discloses sexual assault or abuse).

Next, you can consider going to the emergency room, calling the police, or going to the police station. If you are most concerned about your physical health, about the prevention of pregnancy⁠ or infections, if you are not certain you want to report to the police or not, or you simply do not want to engage with the police for any reason, go to the emergency room or make an appointment with a clinic to address your health care needs.

If you think there’s a possibility you might want to pursue justice through the legal system, go to an emergency room, not a clinic: They have trained staff and supplies to give you the health care you need and collect evidence that could be used in a legal case.

[sidebar]If you are going to the emergency room, but don’t have a friend or another supportive person to take with you, you can always ask for a SANE nurse if one is not already provided for you. This piece is by a SANE nurse, so it can give you an idea of the kind of advocacy they can provide, and also describes what a sexual assault exam provides in detail: Sexual Assault Exam: An Insider’s Guide. [/sidebar]

If you may have a risk of pregnancy, you should be offered emergency contraception⁠ when seeking care for assault. You can also obtain emergency contraception over-the-counter at your pharmacy if you are over 17 (and in many countries, if you are any age), and if you are a minor, can get a prescription for it from any doctor or clinic, in the event you don’t want to go to the ER. You can also ask a friend to go get it for you, if they are of legal age to do so. You’ll also want to schedule an STI⁠ screening with a healthcare provider⁠ within the month. It’s sometimes hard to have a genital exam shortly after rape, but if you did contract an infection⁠, you’ll want to know so that you can treat it or deal with that without becoming ill on top⁠ of everything else. If you want to reduce your risk of HIV⁠ from an assault, you can also seek out PrEP from any doctor, clinic, or the ER.

As much as you may want to take a shower or bath, it is ideal not to do so until after an exam if you want to make a police report or have the ability to make one later and have evidence often needed to make a case. Showering can remove important evidence like semen⁠, saliva, skin and hair, and clothing fibers or fingerprints. If you are getting an exam, wait until after for bathing: even if you’re not sure yet if you will want to press charges, it’s best to do everything you can to leave that option open, and provide all the evidence of the assault you can in case you do want to do so later. As well, write down all you can recall about the incident, and keep a copy of what you have written for your own records, and give another copy to both the police and a lawyer.

To report or not to report

If you know you want to, or think you might want to, report and potentially work with a prosecutor who can press criminal charges, you should state that as soon as possible, even if you’re not sure if you’ll want to just yet. Filing a report, hard as it can be, is wise to do so that pressing charges is an option for you if you want to exercise that option. You can change your mind later if you want, but getting help and filing a report as early as you can will initiate health testing you will need, and better reporting of the incident. Without that report and evidence, pressing charges later is very difficult.

Reporting doesn’t mean you have to press charges: you can report and later decide not to. Be aware, though, that the final decision about whether to press charges is made by the state. Prosecutors typically don’t want to press charges if a survivor is not willing, but they can also decline to press charges if they think there is not enough to bring the case to court, even if you want them to. Do NOT, however, at any point, appear to waver on your desire to prosecute in front of police or anyone else involved in the case who isn’t your own legal representative, even if you are unsure. If you do decide to report, ask for a rape advocate at the police station or in the emergency room. That person’s job is to help and support a victim and their needs, solely, during this process: they are someone who will expressly be there to help you and you alone, and they also will have experience navigating this process.

As far as deciding to report or prosecute, there are several factors to consider. The process of prosecuting for rape is often made very difficult for the victim, and can be a long and arduous process. Many people still hold the outdated and ignorant notion that in some way, it is the victim’s fault. That can be particularly common with male victims, transgender⁠ victims or when the person who raped you was a previous romantic or sexual partner.

You may hear much of this bias, if you go to trial, from the perpetrator’s defense. You may also encounter it at the police station. Rape trials also take time. In the United States alone, rape prosecution can take anywhere from a few months to several years, and often take ten to twenty days at a minimum to even begin the process if a perpetrator is known and there’s sufficient evidence for a prosecutor to bring charges.

The potential pros of reporting or pressing charges are that you can potentially get justice for yourself and any other victims of the perpetrator of your assault. You can help to protect people that person might have harmed otherwise in the future. If your rape case is prosecuted in a criminal court, the outcome may help you if you choose to file a civil suit to compensate you for the costs — emotional and literal — associated with your assault or abuse. (It’s still possible to file a civil suit if your case was not criminally charged, failed to reach a verdict, or resulted in a verdict of not guilty.) Your civil suit could cover medical expenses, including further testing, STI treatment, abortion⁠, and mental or physical health treatment. You may lose money by taking the time from work or school you need to heal yourself – all of these expenses are damages, which you are owed compensation for. Reporting and pressing charges may also be things that you experience as ways to get your power back.

There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to choosing to report and/or press charges. There is only whatever you decide is right for you, based on what you want and feel you can handle. Generally, you do not have to make up your mind right away, when you report your rape: if you need more time to decide what to do, ask for that time.

How you might feel after being assaulted

For many of us who are survivors of rape and other sexual abuse, we have taken, and may still take, a lot of time healing ourselves, and dealing with the issues this abuse brings up.

After a sexual assault or abuse, or even an attempted abuse or assault, a person who has been victimized often experiences what Ann Burgess and Lynda Holmstrom coined Rape Trauma Syndrome in 1974.

The Acute Phase: This phase occurs immediately after the assault and usually lasts a few days to several weeks. In this phase, people can have many different reactions but they typically fall into three categories:

Expressed. This is when a survivor is openly emotional. They may appear agitated or inconsolable. Tthey may suffer from crying spells or anxiety attacks.
Controlled. This is when a survivor may appear to be without emotion and acts like “nothing happened” or “everything is fine.” This appearance of calm may be shock. It is NOT, as is all too often assumed, a sign that someone was not assaulted, was okay with being assaulted, or is unaffected by their assault.
Shocked Disbelief.This is when a survivor reacts with a strong sense of disorientation. They may have difficulty concentrating, making decisions, or doing everyday tasks. They may also have a hard time remembering the details of the assault or even the assault itself.

The Outward Adjustment Phase. During this phase, someone resumes what appears to be their “normal” life but inside is suffering from considerable turmoil. This phase typically involves any of five primary coping techniques:

Minimization. A survivor pretends that “everything is fine” or suggests that “it could have been worse.”
Dramatization. A survivor can’t stop talking about the assault. It dominates their life and identity⁠.
Suppression. A survivor refuses to discuss the assault or its impact on them, or acts as if it did not happen.
Explanation. A survivor intellectually analyzes what happened: what they did, or what they think the perpetrator of their assault was thinking/feeling.
Flight. A survivor tries to escape the pain (like by moving, changing jobs, changing their appearance, changing relationships, etc.).

There are many symptoms or behaviors that appear during this phase including: Anxiety, severe mood swings, a sense of helplessness, persistent fears or phobias, depression, rage, difficulty sleeping (nightmares, insomnia, etc.), eating difficulties (nausea, vomiting, compulsive eating, etc.), denial, withdrawal⁠ from friends, family, activities, hypervigilance, reluctance to leave the house and/or go places that remind the individual of the assault, sexual problems, difficulty concentrating and/or flashbacks.

The Resolution Phase. During this phase the assault is no longer the central focus of a survivor’s life. While they may recognize that they will never forget the assault, the pain and negative outcomes lessen over time. Often, they will begin to accept the rape as part of their life and choose to move on.

Suffice it to say, if you were physically injured in any way during assault, there will also be short-term, and often long-term physical impacts from your assault, including physical pain. It is also typical to have physical effects after an assault even without having been physically injured, which Caitlyn Tivy details in our series on the aftershocks of sexual assault. These can include everything from decreased pain tolerance, new pain conditions, including pelvic pain, and issues with systems of the body besides the sexual organs and central nervous system⁠. What you need when it comes to healing from these physical issues will generally be specific to those issues, but mental healthcare or pelvic physical therapy may often help, on top of any other general or specialized care.

Healing Yourself, Body and Spirit

What you need to heal will tend to be very individual, and you’re the one who is likely to know best what it is you need. Healing journeys are personal, not universal, and will differ based on what harm was done to you and what your specific after-effects are and feel like, what your general history and any history with the person or people who assaulted you was, on your place in the world as a whole, on what feels right for you, who you are as a person, and other factors.

By all means, give yourself whatever time you need to grieve: try not to get caught up in feeling like time for grieving must be short or is about being weak or pathetic. It’s not: grieving after any kind of trauma⁠ is healthy and important, and often takes much more time than our culture or other people who haven’t experienced sexual assault or abuse might suggest. In terms of your support people, you get to decide who those are and how you engage with them. If you want to talk about it, talk about it, and talk about what parts you want to, and don’t talk about whatever parts you don’t. If you don’t talk about it, even if people around you say you should, you get to decline and wait until that’s what feels right. It’s worth noting that the idea that we need to share every detail of our assault, confessional-style, to heal is fallacy. While that feels vital for some people, for others it’s the last thing that’s right for them. As with everything else when it comes to healing, there’s no right way when it comes to what, if anything, you share about your assault with someone, only what feels like what you need, and that may change from day to day, or year to year.

You need to work through the feelings of sorrow and anger you have to heal, and to reclaim your life and your body. Support is a big deal, but largely, you will have to do your own healing in your own way.

There are many support groups for survivors to help you get through these phases and to that resolution in time, and you will most likely find your own personal support circle invaluable.

If, like a majority of sexual assault and abuse survivors, you were raped by someone known or close to you — like a friend, a partner, a family friend or family member — then you’re also grappling with some extra-tough feelings when it comes to being betrayed by someone you invested trust in and may care for deeply. It may be very hard for you to accept that person raped you, and also hard for you to give yourself the space away from them you need to be safe, maybe even to cut ties with them permanently.

In the case that you’re inclined to either pretend rape wasn’t rape, or see if the person who raped you will say they’re sorry and not do it again, I’d encourage you to rethink that, even though I know it’s hard. Someone who assaulted or abused you once will likely do it again if given the chance, or will abuse you in some other way. As well, trying to continue being close with someone who raped you tends to leave a person constantly activated and — validly — never feeling safe. It’s always best to stay as far away as you can from someone who has chosen to do you harm, and even though dealing with a broken friendship or breakup after you’ve been assaulted is certainly more pain on your plate, it is less painful than being hurt by that same person again, listening to someone who raped you excuse what they did, or watching someone who did you that harm try and pretend it never happened.

While we cannot always prevent rape, there are some basic things we can do — you may know about them already — to help protect ourselves and, most importantly, that may help us to feel more safe in the world after assault or abuse. Feeling more confident in being able to help protect ourselves, to fight back if we ever need to again, and to reclaim our own power can help with the blows rape often has on self-esteem and our feelings of safety in the world. That might look like taking self-defense or boxing classes, having a friend when you’d otherwise be alone in groups or other social settings, taking extra safety precautions with dates, giving your gut feelings more credibility, and having very high and strict standards when it comes to how people treat our no’s to sex, touch or anything else.

Given the world that we live in, few survivors manage to escape periods of time in which we blame ourselves for our assaults. I’ve been there myself. So, do all that you can to remind yourself — or keep others close by who can help remind you — that you are not at fault, and that you didn’t do anything to “deserve” to be raped. No one wants to be raped, and no one deserves to be raped. Sexual abuse and assault are harm, crimes and betrayals of everyone’s humanity, and those of us to whom it happens have been victimized. Taking what safety precautions we can is wise, but sometimes they’re not available to us, or we just don’t know about them. Sometimes we just didn’t take them, even when we did know we should. And often enough, even when we do what we can to be safe, we just can’t protect ourselves.

Never forget that even in situations like those, the person responsible for your rape or rapes is or was the person or people who chose to assault you. The person responsible is never the victim.

Need some more information, help or support?

Our direct services are a place where victims and survivors can find support from staff and volunteers or from peers who are survivors themselves. You can also always ask to talk with a staff person who is a survivor — including me, if you like — if you’re not comfortable talking with someone who hasn’t themselves experienced sexual assault.

The following articles or advice columns may also be helpful: