The Answers (for Now) - Sebastian

When did you start to question your sexual orientation? What in particular made that question arise?

Looking back I feel my queerness has always been there in hindsight.

I think I started to seriously question my sexuality in my sophomore year of college? In middle school I had brought it up to my mom and she immediately shut it down saying she’d "prefer you not be” which kinda put exploring it seriously out of my mind.  I had played with the idea of being bisexual during my adolescence but it wasn't really something I saw as a valid option for me and nothing outside of a fun label or idle daydreaming fancy.  I think a lot of my reluctance to act on that was compulsive heteronormativity and internalized misogyny.

This is part of a series of personal stories about questioning & coming to understand one's sexual orientation! Check out the other experiences, from: 

AsherBen • Gerbil • Jack • Mo • Riley • Riss • Ruby • Sam • Wyn

When (if ever) did that question resolve itself?

I think what really ticked it off and was the definite “you are not straight moment” when me and my friend’s friend kissed at a halloween party my sophomore year of college.

We had been talking for a bit and I didnt realize but at the time they had been completely flirting with me and showering me in compliments.  I hadn't thought much about it but then we started talking about worldbuilding and comics.  I got excited and offered to show them my sketchbook.  We went into my room and I showed them, and afterwards they suddenly kissed me! I remember enjoying it so much and kinda midway through realizing I was attracted to this person. I had realized that I wasn't exclusively attracted to men. By finally acting on that feeling, I had the realization that I COULD act on my attraction to women/NB people and that was a valid option for me.

How would you describe your sexuality as you understand it now?  Something else entirely?

The label I go by mostly in terms of directly addressing my sexuality is “bisexual,” but honestly my sexuality is still something I’m playing with and trying to find a firm understanding of. I’m not sure if I ever will, to be honest. It is something that has a lot of factors for me and evolves constantly so in my mind it's sometimes hard to label it.

But at the same time I personally find labels as a means to exploration and personal growth, for me at least.

I know now that in relation to my gender (NB/ Trans-masc), that added layer adds a bit more to my sexuality that I need to reflect on.  But for now, I feel bisexual is the best way to describe myself.

How do/did you feel about being questioning? Positive? Negative?

Sometimes I feel a pressure, being queer, to know what you are definitely. It's kind of stressful knowing I am queer and trying to add labels to it.  I know I shouldn't feel bad, and that its valid for me to explore and grow and change, but I often feel that if I am to come out and exist in a public space, people will expect me to have a defined name for what I am and be able to explain it to a T.

What is or was the most confusing? When you thought "maybe I'm [x]," what made you feel unsure or second-guess yourself?

I think before coming to terms with not being cis I felt a weird sense of some confusion; I knew there was another layer to this whole “queer” thing and couldn't put my finger on it?  Now, knowing this about myself, it has deffo closed some doors but opened so many more in terms of my sexuality.

Was there a defining moment that clarified things for you, or did you come to a more gradual realization?

Deffo a defining moment; that kiss mentioned above.

Did you talk to other people about being questioning, or compare notes with other people of an orientation you thought you might be?

It's come up a few times mostly in GSA - I’ve discussed my gender with people more than my sexuality.  I think it is good to open dialogue though; had it not been for information provided by others, I would not have begun to figure my whole gender/sexuality situation out.

What would you say to past-questioning-you if you could send a message back in time?

You Gay.