Is attraction to the same sex really okay?
Heather Corinna replies:I was wondering is it okay to want to experiment with the same sex, like girl & girl?
It is okay to have a desire to explore sex with the same gender; it is okay to have a desire to explore sex with people of a different gender. We also don't need to view any of that exploration as an "experiment," nor is same-gender sex somehow more of an experiment than mixed-gender sex is. I mean, either no kind of sex or sexual scenario is an experiment or it all is, right?
In the same vein, it is okay to be curious about sex with the same or different gender. It is okay to want to pursue sexual and/or romantic relationships with the same gender, just like it is okay to want to do so with a different gender.
It's even okay to view people on a greater spectrum than that, as not just same or opposite, but as a great many shades or variations, as tends to be more the case with people as a whole.
Mind you, not everyone is going to tell you that those things are equally okay. There is a lot of bigotry, bias and homophobia in our world, and a lot of people are very scared and threatened by even the idea of any kind of same-gender partnership; some even by same-gender partnership that isn't even sexual at all!
And what I think or what those other people think is all less important than what YOU think and what's okay with YOU and any sexual partners or potential sexual partners you have or are considering. Those are the important options, because you and they are the people actually having any kind of sex, and taking the emotional and physical risks (which include both risks of negative consequences, and risks of totally positive ones). You're the folks who need to consent, you're the folks who live with your own feelings and experiences. So, your options are the truly relevant ones here.
Are YOU okay with it? How is it making you feel? If you look at what is making you feel doubtful or even bad about it, where is that coming from? Is it coming from you, or from what other people's ideas about it are? If it's coming from others, are those negative ideas coming from a place of real care and awareness, or are they coming from a place of hate or ignorance? Do you agree with those negative ideas -- if they're an issue -- or not?
If you're only asking when it comes to fantasy or just the simple desire, again, if you're asking me: yep, it's okay. Beyond even being okay, while we absolutely can control our actions, we really cannot control our desires and our attractions. So, even if it wasn't okay, we're still going to feel what we feel, and have a desire for the things we have a desire for. Whether or not we act on that is completely up to us, and we always want to be considering our actions and choices when it comes to what we want that pursue, whether that's about sex with someone else or whether it's about choosing the right college.
Attraction to the same gender is something that, from what we know, humans have always had, and it occurs in other species, too, not just ours. People and other critters bond in a lot of different ways, sex included, and sexual desires aren't just or even the same as the desire to procreate, nor do most people of any sexual orientation only have sex with others or other kinds of physical affection when they want to make babies. In our species and others, physical affection and sexual expression are about a whole lot more than procreation, and most anthropologists and sociologists agree that it's very clear that sex as something social -- as the interchange between two beings, not just whatever results it might net reproductively -- is a bigger motivator than procreation for most, and that our sexual desires,attractions and wants are incredibly unique to us as individuals, and what we want is a lot about who we are (rather than who we choose to be), and not something we can determine or control.
Moreover -- and excuse me for sounding like a crunchy hippie -- even when it's casual sex, in some way, sex is about expressing a love, or at least a strong like or admiration, of our own bodies, of the bodies of others, and of each other and of ourselves. As those of us sick to death of homophobia like to say, love is love is love. In other words, with sex with ANY partner, and the desire for same, you're always going to want to be concerned with if your desires and how you enact them are in line with what feels caring, happy and healthy for you and yours. And if, in sex, we're expressing affection, real care and great pleasure in and with someone else, it's pretty darn hard to see how people doing that with each other is not okay.
Here's some more information that might help you out with this: