Advice

Why can't I have sexy thoughts during masturbation?

Phoebe
Question

It seems that anytime I masturbate, I can’t have any thoughts linked to the task at hand. Thinking of myself having sex⁠ or doing anything sexual⁠ during this usually makes me feel uncomfortable or inappropriate. However, I am perfectly fine and even aroused by these thoughts at any other given time. I don’t think I am asexual⁠, and I am still a virgin. Do you know why that is, and could you perhaps give me tips on how to solve this, so I don’t feel so awkward?

Hey Phoebe,

The first thing I want to say is that the experience you’re describing isn’t uncommon. Many of us feel awkward when it comes to our sexuality, especially when we’re new to exploring it. It can feel isolating, but I promise you aren’t alone in those feelings. And it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you.

To start, I think it would be helpful for you to consider why you feel uncomfortable or inappropriate when you think about yourself doing sexual⁠ things during masturbation⁠. You pointed out⁠ that those thoughts don’t affect you that way when you aren’t masturbating, so it sounds like it’s not the thoughts themselves that are bothering you. It’s more likely that engaging with those thoughts in a sexual way when you masturbate is what’s bringing you discomfort.

Acting on our sexual thoughts and desires is something that’s been discouraged for a very long time in a lot of colonial human history. The idea that having sex⁠ for any reason other than reproduction is wrong or “sinful” has unfortunately been widely and strongly disseminated over time, particularly in certain popular religions. Unfortunately, that idea is also often part of the sex education many of us receive, which can lead to pleasure being completely left out of the conversation, and sexuality being framed as something that should scare us. That kind of message can lead to us trying to distance ourselves from our sexual thoughts and desires, even if we don’t actually want to. We might try to convince ourselves that even if we’re okay with thinking about our desires, we still shouldn’t act on them.

That couldn’t be further from the truth. You’re not doing anything inappropriate by thinking sexual thoughts when you’re masturbating (or when you’re not), but it takes time for a lot of us to start believing that. There’s nothing wrong with acting on sexual thoughts or feelings, so long as it’s wanted by everyone involved, and done in emotionally safe ways for everyone involved.

The good news is that you’re not stuck with the discomfort forever. It’s absolutely something you can work through at your own pace and on your own terms, and probably feel a lot better about in time.

We don’t have much control over what thoughts we have, and trying to make ourselves stop thinking a thing usually only results in us thinking about it more. However, we can change the way we react to our thoughts. If you associate sexual thoughts with awkwardness and discomfort, or try to push them away because of that awkwardness, they’re probably going to be difficult to ignore or to enjoy, not to mention more pervasive. However, over time, you can teach yourself to reframe your sexual thoughts as something positive or even just neutral; something you can feel good about or just feel okay with. Accepting those uncomfortable feelings and just letting them be is often the first step with that.

Thinking of that discomfort as something you need to get rid of in order to masturbate puts a lot of pressure on you, but a big part of working through our uncomfortable feelings is to learn to act on our desires anyway. Fantasizing and masturbating, even if it feels awkward at first, can help you learn to tolerate the awkward feelings, and prove to yourself that they don’t have to hold you back. Doing that takes power away from the discomfort, and the more you do, the more likely it is that fantasizing and masturbating will become easier and more comfortable over time.

Practicing getting more comfortable with those thoughts while you aren’t masturbating can also help, because interacting with them outside sexual situations may put them on the same level as other thoughts in your day-to-day life, which may make it easier to react to them in the same way. You can also try writing them down and reading them to yourself, drawing them, or even taking time just to relax and daydream about them, as if they’re movies playing in your mind.

Another option that could be helpful is to explore different kinds of sexual fantasies to see if you can’t find some that feel more comfortable for you than the ones you are having so much trouble with. For example, you could try fantasizing about fictional characters, in scenarios where you aren’t involved at all, or imagine that you’re one of the characters, to help you become more comfortable involving yourself in sexual thoughts.

Not listening to thoughts that tell you your fantasies are inappropriate takes time and practice, but it gets easier overtime. Especially because learning to enjoy something that’s important to you can be a big confidence booster, and the more confident you are in how you think about your sexuality, the easier it is to acknowledge sex-negative thoughts without believing them.

The piece of advice I want to emphasize the most, though, is to not be too hard on yourself, or put pressure on yourself to change the way you feel about your sexual thoughts immediately. It can be frustrating to feel like your mind is working against you, but in situations like that, it’s especially important to be gentle and patient with yourself. You can look at it like this: you would want to be supportive and empathetic if someone you care about came to you with the feelings you described, so be a friend to yourself, because you deserve that support and empathy all the same.

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