Sexual Desire

Is there something wrong with you? Absolutely, definitely, no. 

First things first, let’s dispel some myths. There is widespread normalization of cis hetero teenage boys feeling horny. We see this in all kinds of media, in casual conversation, in phrases like “boys will be boys” used to excuse sexual assault⁠ (sexual assault: When someone is attacked, or attacks someone else, in a sexual way.) . In teenage girls, queer⁠ (queer: In the context of sexuality, a broad term for sexual orientation that can describe any number of orientations which are not heterosexual. People who identify as queer may be bisexual or pansexual, gay or lesbian, questioning, asexual or more.) , and trans folks, developmentally typical desire⁠ (desire: A feeling of wanting something. In the context of sex or sexuality, desire can be a feeling of a physical and psychological want for any kind of sex or way of being sexual.) and arousal⁠ (arousal: A state of sexual excitement and interest that sends messages to the brain which create physical changes and sensations, such as increased blood pressure, erection, lubrication, loosening of the vaginal or anal muscles, and increased physical sensitivity.) is taught to be hidden away and often labeled as abnormal. It can create shame, silence, and isolation. It is both blatantly untrue and a very influential myth that women just don’t have sexual⁠ (sexual: About or relating in some way to sex or sexuality.) desire like men do. The less we feel like we can talk about something, the less we’re probably seeing it on a social level! 

So, I wonder: what does WEIRDLY high mean to you? What does masturbating “a lot” mean? 

Something I’ve observed both from working here and from having been a gay⁠ (gay: A man who is attracted to other men, or a person of any sex or gender who is sexually and emotionally attracted to people of the same or a similar sex or gender. Often used alongside lesbian.) teenage girl is that a lot of us struggle to accept our sexual desires. Lesbians (of all ages and experience levels) face some especially severe stereotypes and stigma around desire. In media, there are tropes of predatory lesbians and extreme sexualization of lesbians. I remember random boys coming up to me at school and asking if they could watch (as in, watch me and my at-the-time girlfriend have sex⁠ (sex: Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. ) ), comments from friends about not wanting to change in front of me, and feeling like it was way too inappropriate to kiss my girlfriend in public. I felt like the culture around me interpreted my gayness as being an out⁠ (out: Short for ‘out of the closet’. When someone’s LGBTQ+ identity is known to other people.) -of-control horny sex monster, so any level of libido⁠ (libido: The physical and emotional urge or feeling of desire for some kind of sex, which may include masturbation.) was automatically TOO MUCH. 

Patriarchy and similar systems of power work so well and stick around so persistently because these ideas are ingrained into our own heads. There is a very effective political strategy we are seeing in pretending that queer folks are sexually aggressive⁠ (aggressive: Behaving in a pushy, forceful or violent way.) or predatory, to keep us from public spaces and restricting our autonomy⁠ (autonomy: The state or condition of being independent and/or having the right to independence.) . It is not so hard to internalize that messaging. A way to challenge internalized ideas like this is to ask yourself: whose voice is this thought? Does it belong to me, or is it my mom, a politician, my friend, someone on Instagram? 

I urge you to honor your feelings. If you are feeling uncomfortably high amounts of sexual desires and masturbation⁠ (masturbation: Ways that people seek out and/or experience sexual pleasure by themselves, without a sexual partner.) isn’t cutting it, feel free to enter the legions of horny people channeling that into writing, art, or inspired readings of homoeroticism in Shakespeare, just to name a few.

You are probably going to keep seeing messaging that women just don’t have desires like men do. But, they totally, absolutely do. Your desires are yours, and I hope they lead you to much pleasure and joy.