No kind of sex is or should ever feel like it’s required — like it’s an obligation, a duty, or something someone has to do, whether they really want to or not — for any reason. If it’s fully consensual sex, it is and will feel like fully optional sex.
Sex should always be a choice for everyone involved in it, throughout. It involves freely made, uncoerced choices for everyone involved — with whom, when, how, where, and why, and for the whole of any given sexual experience and relationship, not just before or by agreeing to any one thing at the start of sex or at any point of a relationship. If not, sex not only is questionably consensual, it probably also doesn’t feel very good emotionally — and also often physically — for at least one person, if not for everyone.
Even though so many people know all of this, it still clearly doesn’t land or feel doable for many.
The rape culture we all live in doesn’t help, since it sends a message that it’s acceptable — or if not acceptable, something people can and do often get away with — to have sex with people who haven’t consented or whose consent has been obtained under some form of duress. Some people have also incorrectly learned, directly or indirectly, from parents, other adults, communities as a whole, and even from friends or partners, that sex is required for a partner in some situations, like if a person is someone’s wife or girlfriend, if a partner is sexually insecure, or if someone is trying to keep a partner from having sex with someone else.
“But who will stay in a relationship with me if I won’t have sex with them?”
“What if that’s something sexual he wants? I have to do it or he won’t want to stay with me.”
“We’ve already started having sex, so now I have to keep having it.”
“If I don’t have sex with them, someone else will.”
“They feel rejected if I don’t have sex with them, and I have to keep them from feeling like that.”
Statements like these — which we have long and frequently heard at Scarleteen —illustrate a belief that sex is, or is okay to be, a duty, obligation, or requirement. But “duty sex”external link, opens in a new tab or any other kind of sex someone has that they feel they should or have to, but don’t really want, just isn’t good for anyone.
Sex that someone agrees to or even initiates out of a sense of duty or obligation — because they think or feel it’s required — is also often part of sexually or generally abusive relationships. Some people say yes to sex they don’t want because they think or know someone else will coerce or force them to anyway, or harass or abuse them in some other way as a result. They may take part in unwanted sex to avoid other abuse, increased abuse, or to give themselves the feeling of even a little bit of agency in relationships or interactions where they don’t actually have it.
Some people are being coerced into sex and don’t recognize it, or don’t understand that coercion is abuse. For sex to be consensual, our yes has to be both freely given and meaningful. If we’ve been coerced into sex, it’s not either. If sex is or feels like an obligation, requirement or like something you have to do to prevent something else you don’t want (like a breakup or a partner’s anger), it’s just not a real choice.
Taking part in sex you don’t really want isn’t good for you. It isn’t good for anyone.
Having sex we don’t actually want is usually damaging. Sometimes that damage is more minor, but other times it is severe, and involves long-term trauma and effects, like PTSD, depression and anxiety, and dissociationexternal link, opens in a new tab. Especially over time, it also sets precedents for a sexual life or relationship that create or enable unhealthy or unhappy patterns. Having sex we don’t actually want because we think we have to also can have effects on our sexualities even when we’re without a partner, or in future partnerships or interactions. Coerced sex, like forced sex, is also associated, as you’d expect, with higher rates of STIsexternal link, opens in a new tab, injuries, and unwanted pregnanciesexternal link, opens in a new tab.
A recent study of around 1000 peopleexternal link, opens in a new tab— women in particular, in this case — found some unsurprising outcomes of duty sex: emotional distress and overall increased stress, decreased desire for sex, physical or emotional shutdowns, emotional detachment from a partner, feelings of resentment, guilt and of being used, and a feeling of sex being something transactional, not a shared and mutually beneficial experience of pleasure and connection.
Like faking orgasm, consenting to any kind of unwanted sex with a partner also can give your partner the wrong information about what you like or want, if they’re not sure — making the sex you have with them more and more unlikely to ever be sex you actually want and enjoy — or, worse still, give them the message that you’ll do what they want regardless of what you do, a dynamic that can make consent in your relationship pretty darn meaningless.
Sexual interactions and relationships that are for real beneficial for everyone involved are both optional and consensual, always based in everyone involved each having agency, and only doing what they actually want to do and feel pretty comfortable doing. That includes things that are new or unknown, so we’re not sure if we like them yet or not: maybe we’re not as comfortable as we are with things we’ve already tried, but we’re still pretty comfortable trying. It doesn’t feel good to have sex because we think we have to, and it also doesn’t earnestly feel good to have someone have any kind of sex with you because they feel they have to. This dynamic just isn’t and can’t be part of emotionally healthy sexual interactions and relationships.
What a healthier sexual framework looks like
When we talk about a relationship being a sexual relationship in the most basic way, all that means is that everyone involved in that relationship shares a desire and an intent to express their sexualities together within that relationship in some way. How they may do that (and where, and when, and how often, and so forth) is wildly variable. Sexual relationships, like sex, are as diverse as the people who have them. Same goes for when we talk about a sexual interaction like a one-time hookup: that’s something where everyone involved in that interaction shares a desire and an intent to express their sexualities together in some way. It doesn’t tell us anything more specific than that.
When we get into sexual interactions or relationships with people, what we’re looking for is what’s in or around the overlap of our sexual Venn diagramexternal link, opens in a new tab, not for someone who magically only wants to and can do all the exact same things as us, in the same way, at all the exact same times. What someone wants from a sexual relationship is individual. There is no universal set of wants or don’t wants, likes or dislikes, needs or lack thereof, nor are there any such things that are true for ginormous groups of people: men, women, nonbinary and other gender-nonconforming people; lesbians, gay, queer or straight people; people who are married or aren’t; people with this kind of body or that one. What we each want from and before, during and after sex can and often does change at least some from sexual experience to sexual experience, and will tend to be ever-changing to some degree when we are in a sexual relationship.
When we get into sexual interactions or relationships with people, it is not about finding someone to agree to do anything and everything the other person may want at any given time or in general or being that someone yourself. We’re looking for the wants we generally or specifically share: the things we have in common, the overlap of our sexual Venn diagram.
These things should not ever be understood or suggested as sex anyone must have, whether they truly want to or not. Instead, much like you’d do when you’re considering an apartment to rent, or a job to take, those things are someone’s criteria for you to look at and decide if they match your own wants, capacities and needs. If they do, awesome — if you want to be sexual with someone with those shared wants, then this is probably something that has the possibility of being a good sexual relationship or experience for both of you. If we can’t find much or any overlap in what we want, or if anyone involved is inflexible about letting go of wants a partner isn’t interested in, then you’re looking at something most likely to be an incompatible, unsatisfying, bad, or even unsafe experience, and should take a pass.
Now, it may be that someone — and maybe you are or will someday be one of these someones — has some sexual things that they strongly want to do in a sexual relationship or interaction. This thing or group of things may even be so strongly wanted it’s the only thing or things they want to do. Sometimes those things will be things many people also want as part of their sexual experiences or relationships. Sometimes they won’t match up with someone else’s sexual wants, not-wants, or needs.
Whatever anyone’s wants are, they need to be expressed with clear and unloaded communication. They also need to be healthy and actually possible for everyone involved — for instance, asking that someone get an erection or self-lubricate every time they want them to, or that a partner always say yes to sex, are not healthy or reasonable.
Things like doing physical things without asking, pouting, bargaining, or emotionally withdrawing are not acceptable ways to communicate desires or unmet wants: we all need to and use some form of shared language to express what we want, and need to do so in a way that doesn’t put any kind of pressure on a potential or current partner. Ideally, someone who really only wants to do specific things, and finds out a partner or potential partner doesn’t, should be the person to make it easy on everyone and just nix sex with someone who doesn’t also want to do those things. But if they don’t, then you’ll need to, and they should be cool about it when you do. It just isn’t that big a deal for someone not to want to be sexual with you in the way you want, and I think it’s fair to say that anyone who can’t handle that can’t handle sex with partners, period.
When we’ve all communicated our fair wants, needs, or both clearly to each other, then everyone involved can use that information to make choices about if sex or a sexual relationship is right for them. That communication also allows us to talk more if we want to try and find sexual common ground we might not have discovered yet, or if a sexual relationship or experience together is even right for us at a given time with a given person. It may be that sometimes wanting to do different sexual things, go at a different pace, or wanting sex to only happen in a certain framework — like marriage or non-exclusivity — means that we have to rethink or rewire the way we’re going about our interaction or relationship. Even when that’s a real bummer, or emotionally challenging, it’s a lot better for everyone and every relationship than anyone having sex they don’t want to.
If you want sex that is for real healthy for everyone — it cannot be by thinking that you must have sex no matter what, and you must also do whatever it is in or around that sex that that partner expresses a want or need for. Instead, the way to go here when wants or needs don’t mesh is to recognize that they don’t, and opt out of sex or a sexual relationship with that person, or, wait on sex, a sexual relationship, or any particular sexual thing until and unless it does feel right for you.
Consensual sex is optional even when someone has very strongly felt wants. The kinds of dynamics and communication I’m describing here, where people do their best to clearly communicate what they want, but in a low-pressure way that makes crystal clear no kind of sex with them is required, is how sexual interactions generally go between people who have the capacity to have mutually beneficial and emotionally healthy sexual interactions and relationships.
A few words about sex and sexual identity
Having sex with someone, or a certain kind of sex with someone, is not something anyone has to do to qualify themselves to be a certain sexual orientation.
Have you ever thought or heard any of these?
“I don’t want to have anal sex, so I’m obviously not gay.”
“What if I don’t like intercourse? How will any straight man want to be with me?”
“How can I be a lesbian if I don’t like oral sex?”
“I had sex with a man, so I’m obviously not a lesbian.”
“I had sex and I liked it, so I must not be ace.”
“I have to have sex with a guy at least once before I call myself queer so I can prove it to myself.”
Having sex with someone, or a certain kind of sex with someone, or any kind of sex with someone, is not something anyone has to do to qualify themselves to be a certain sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is a kind of sexual identity framework that was created to describe what, if any, genders of person someone feels sexual or romantic attraction to.
I want to say that again, because it’s something people seem to keep missing these days: sexual orientation is centrally about feeling attracted to other people. Not about what we do or don’t do with those feelings, but those feelings themselves. This framework isn’t without its laws, for sure. But. Any construction of sexual orientation that would require people to engage in any particular kind of sex would ignore how many people at any given time simply don’t have the opportunity to have sex they want to have with people they want to have it with. It would also be a framework built to invite or encourage non-consent.
Sexual orientation isn’t about what kinds of sex we do or don’t like, or have or don’t have. That part of our identity usually even exists without there being any kind of sex at all. The classical framework of orientation doesn’t presume there are kinds of sex only people of certain orientations engage in or that people of certain orientations must engage in. Someone being lesbian isn’t about someone being into cunnilingus, it’s about someone being into women as whole people; same goes for being gay, straight, queer, or any other sexuality. By all means, lived experience in intimate relationships with other people — as well as sex, if that’s something everyone wants — almost always informs our sense of our own orientation and other parts of our identity. But it’s not required, including because the experience of feeling attracted to someone rarely hinges on sex or certain kinds of sex.
Even sexual identities based more on kinds of sex than on any people involved — like being into fluids or into topping or bottoming — need to be based on what people generally want to do, or even just feel strongly interested in, not on what people do (or don’t) do. Again, otherwise, we leave out or invalidate a giant number of people at any given time who don’t have the chance to have the kind of sex they want to, and we also risk giving folks the idea they need to prove a sexual identity, which is obviously gross.
No kind of sex is required to be a certain sexual orientation or other sexual identity. No kind of sex is required, period.
It doesn’t have to stay like this, even if it’s been like this. But even when we know all this, we still may face expectations or behaviours that challenge that knowledge.
No kind of sex is ever required, but that doesn’t mean we won’t encounter situations where someone wants something sexual that we don’t, where we clash with someone else’s expectations — or even our own — or that we won’t find ourselves dealing with someone who believes that sex is or should be required in some way. Staying with someone, or in something, where the person you’re with believes that sex is or should be a requirement is rarely a solution to navigating conflict about sexual wants.
I’m not talking about times when you or someone else maybe aren’t all the way into it yet with any kind of sex, or sex in general, or at the start, but want to get there, for themselves as much as a partner, and the way they get there is by starting sexual things before they’re all the way there. I’m talking about sexual things that someone simply is not interested in, and does not want to do, or that someone would only do because they think or a partner thinks that sex — on the whole, of some kind or in any given situation — is required.
It is very likely that when someone — maybe even you — is saying yes to sex they don’t want, something is in the mix that has them feeling like they can’t say no, like a lack of readiness for partnered sex, fear of abandonment or abuse, or a firm long-held belief that sex really is required. That something can live inside that person, coming from things like a lack of agency or emotional maturity, places like what they were told by parents, other family, friends or community growing up, some religious beliefs, or ideas someone’s gotten from movies, books, social media or other sources about sex. It can, and also often does, come from a sexual partner.
Again, some people — maybe even you — believe that there are some situations or kinds of relationships or interactions where sex is required. Those folks — yep, maybe even you — will need to unlearn whatever they learned that had them thinking that, and get this new-to-them way of thinking about sex to land.
What that process looks like, and how long it takes, depends on how sticky those beliefs are, where someone got them from, and how much they still are soaking in those beliefs. For instance, having learned that from a relationship that was unhealthy, that you know was unhealthy, and that you’ve also been out of for a long time is different from having learned it inside a religion or religious community you’re still an active part of or from a partner you are still with.
Many of those beliefs are a product of the cultures we grow up in, which means they can change as we grow. A lot of us — especially when we’re young, and we don’t have a lot of sexual and overall life experience under our belts yet — come to sex and sexual interactions with a lot of expectations that aren’t realistic or helpful. We’ve often been gathering what we think about sex and sexuality since we were really tiny without even knowing it, like tiny sleepwalking anthropologists, and from all kinds of places: family and friends, any sexual partners, our community, movies, books, shows and games, advertisements, porn, snippets of other people’s conversations, you name it.
All of that often leaves us with a lot of the lowest common denominator of sexual ideas, which is why people can come to sex with ideas we know are false or just plain bad, certainly not anything that leads to mutually satisfying sex, ideas like:
- that people in ongoing relationships with men, in particular, need to say yes to them, or yield to them, when they ask for or initiate sex that they want
- that masculinity requires sex with a partner
- that once you’ve said yes, or a partner gets excited, or sex has already started, you can’t stop or change your mind about what you want or are okay with
- that “getting” someone to say yes is the same as someone freely giving a yes because they actually want what they’re saying yes to
- that there is one broad sexual “normal,” one or only a few kinds of relationships, connections or sexual activities that most people do and like and that “normal” is what everyone should be doing
Not meeting those kinds of expectations is a good thing. They’re earnestly harmful, and they lead to nothing good. Should you find yourself in the presence of someone who has those kinds of ideas and really wants to apply them to you or your relationship or interactions, your best move is to get gone or at least make considerable space between you while that person, hopefully, takes whatever time they need — weeks, months, years — to come around before you get close to that person sexually, if you ever do.
A lot of people don’t even realize they’ve had some or even all of these expectations until they collide with actual experiences, and when that happens, many people realize almost instantly how foolish or awful they are, are shocked they were even in them somewhere, and are happy to dump them, or at least gladly begin the process of washing them out of their brain. Maybe that’s you, maybe that’s someone else, but everyone usually benefits from dumping unrealistic or crummy expectations, even though sometimes it is a bit of a process.
These beliefs can be hard to shake.
If you feel like a person who has these beliefs is otherwise awesome and redeemable — or the situation you find yourself in with them is — and you want to take a chance explaining why their belief is a baddie and see if they can’t change their mind? I don’t see any reason not to go for it if you want. But these kinds of beliefs do tend to be deep-seated, and rarely can just be turned off like a light switch, and it also isn’t ever your job or place to try and fix other people. That’s their job.
So, I’d be wary, and prepared to quickly discover that if this person isn’t someone you can convince, it’s someone to just get away from. If you do feel like you can make headway, I’d keep your physical and emotional safety in the forefront of your mind and take things very slow, with an eye towards anything that makes you feel like any kind of sex is required of you. In the event they ever do their own work and their own changing, that’s great, but this kind of change will generally take a good deal of time.
It’s also important to understand that some people will not change these beliefs, including because they are part of an abuse dynamic they want to maintain. If you find yourself feeling that any kind of sex is required of you and there is just no changing that, it’s pretty likely that’s because you’re either in something abusive — in which case the only healthy choice is to work on what you need to leave — or that you, yourself, have learned these abusive or coercive framings of sex, and will probably need to step away from sexual interactions with other people until you can unlearn them and learn better frameworks. If you feel lost or just can’t get yourself there, this is something a qualified therapist can probably help you with, and something we’re also always happy to help with in our direct services.
