The Bigger Picture on Erections

No boners about it, erections can be a sensitive subject! Whether you love them, hate them, or however you feel, you’re not alone. For people with penises, what is a simple physical process can carry a lot of social and emotional baggage: they can be fun, pleasurable and hot, but can also be a source of pressure, fear, or shame.

Like any part of our bodies that can be part of sex⁠ (sex: Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. ) , there are a set of expectations and ideas about erections (often referred to as “scripts”) that just won’t fit everybody.

Here are some common scripts:

• that everyone who can get erections wants them,
• that they occur easily and whenever arousal⁠ (arousal: A state of sexual excitement and interest that sends messages to the brain which create physical changes and sensations, such as increased blood pressure, erection, lubrication, loosening of the vaginal or anal muscles, and increased physical sensitivity.) is present,
• that they will last a long time (however long *that* is),
• that intercourse⁠ (intercourse: When people interlock their genitals and move together as feels good to them for the purpose of sexual stimulation and/or reproduction.) and other kinds of insertive sex will always be desired,
• that erection⁠ (erection: When a body part, such as the penis or parts of the vulva, becomes filled with blood and enlarges and/or becomes more firm.) will always lead to an orgasm⁠ (orgasm: An event typically in response to physical or intellectual sexual stimulation, controlled by the involuntary nervous system. ) , and
• that people who get them will want to use them for receiving pleasure.

Because these narratives are everywhere, finding other information or other approaches can be difficult! But no matter what your experience of your body is, there’s room for you to figure out⁠ (out: Short for ‘out of the closet’. When someone’s LGBTQ+ identity is known to other people.) what you want.

Let’s dive in to learn about what an erection is, how it might look for specific bodies and hormonal profiles, and how to have some useful and fun conversations with our sex partners!

What are erections?

An erection describes when there is blood flow to a body part that changes its structure, shape, or size. While we’re talking about erections that happen with penises in this article, other body parts can also become erect, like clitorises and even your nose! To learn more about penises in general, you can read more here or here.

As blood flows into the vessels of the penis and becomes trapped there, it causes it to become more rigid and often increase in size and sensitivity⁠ (sensitivity: A responsiveness to internal or external stimulus.) – this is an erection. After a period⁠ (period: The fluid – or flow – which contains blood, from the shedding of the uterine lining usually at the end of each menstrual cycle. Sometimes periods may be less fluid and more globby; this is the state that is often mistaken for blood clotting.) of time (such as after an orgasm, for many people, or just with the passing⁠ (passing: Being perceived as a member of a non-marginalized group when you’re a member of a marginalized group.) of time) the membranes keeping the blood in place will relax, the blood will flow back out into circulation, and the erection will end.

The signals that cause blood to flow in and out are *autonomic*, which means something our bodies do involuntarily, or without us needing to think about it – these can be caused by arousal or desire⁠ (desire: A feeling of wanting something. In the context of sex or sexuality, desire can be a feeling of a physical and psychological want for any kind of sex or way of being sexual.) , but also by other stimuli or chemicals in our bodies. So, sometimes people get erections when they don’t expect them – for example, “morning wood,”  where a spike of testosterone⁠ (testosterone: A steroid hormone produced in the testes and in the ovaries. Is responsible for sperm production, and influences sexual desire, arousal and bone health. Is also blamed for for a lot of things it isn’t actually responsible for.) causes a spontaneous erection before waking up — or want them. It can also mean that some people struggle to get or maintain erections when they do want them. Just like every person’s penis is different, the way they experience erections will be different too.

For many people, an erection can be a source of pleasure (for solo play or for sex with other people), but for some people that pleasure can feel complex or hard to access. For others, erections can be a source of discomfort or dysphoria, and aren’t welcome at all!

What can affect how erections function?

Despite what popular media or romance novels might tell us, erections don’t have an on and off switch. Just as there are all sorts of reasons someone might get an erection, there’s also a large number of completely normal reasons that someone might struggle to get or maintain one.

Emotions and stress: Erections are one way our bodies feel and can respond to arousal, and we know that arousal and pleasure require a balance of stimulation and feelings of safety. It makes sense then, that erections may be more difficult if we don’t have the right balance of both. How our bodies, brains and nervous systems respond to stress, tiredness, and emotional intensity varies a lot from person to person, and from day to day. For some people, increased stress or tension in the body leads to easier erections, whereas for other people stress is a total boner killer. On the other hand, too much safety/relaxation might lead to boredom or falling asleep.

Alcohol and other drugs: Because erections are an autonomic process, they can be affected by things like alcohol, prescription medications, or other drugs. Some drugs are known to have a direct impact on the body’s physical ability to get and maintain erections, for example alcohol or SSRIs, while others may have a less direct physical impact, but may impact your emotional state or create additional stress or distraction.

Hormonal changes: Erections are very responsive to our hormonal balances, so as hormones⁠ (hormones: Chemicals – via our endocrine system – that send messages across our bodies and brains. They both naturally exist and can also be made in a lab.) change across our lifetime, or because we’ve taken medication to alter them, this will have an impact on them or how a person experiences them. A change to your body’s hormonal system (like starting estrogenizing hormones) can change how erections work for your body, and potentially even what your erections may look or feel like, such as: being smaller, softer, the skin feeling more delicate or soft to the touch, or another kind of change in the sensitivity or feeling. Testosterone is used by a range of people to influence their erections, and plenty of trans people reduce their testosterone through hormonal therapy to reduce erections (frequency, duration, intensity).

Different desires and different bodies

It’s all well and good to know a wide range of information about the subject, but what does it mean for you? Because people really vary, we wanted to talk about a few different scenarios for various readers.

It’s worth clarifying here that we’re not doctors and this is not medical advice – if you would like to know more from a medical vantage point or get medical help, talk with a trusted health professional like a doctor, psychologist or therapist. We strongly recommend not talking in a general chat or with any form of AI about your health concerns or questions as the answers you get may be incorrect or potentially dangerous to you.

What if I get erections but don’t want them or enjoy them?

Straight off the bat, that’s completely okay! It can be helpful to think about why you or someone else might not want an erection: is it because of how they feel, or what they mean to you? We talked about scripts earlier in the article, and one of the big ones is erections having a lot of built-in association with masculinity in our culture (to the point where some people refer to them as ‘manhood’)! If you’re a woman or a nonbinary⁠ (nonbinary: A gender identity that is outside the gender binary. Enby is the phonetic spelling of “NB,” and is a shorthand word for nonbinary.) person experiencing an erection, or even just thinking or talking about them, that might feel uncomfortable to you.

However, no matter what those scripts are saying, an erection is not inherently gendered, including because they happen to people of every gender⁠ (gender: Characteristics that are seen or presented as distinguishing between male and female in a society. Gender may or may not include assigned or chosen: social roles, feelings, behaviors and/or presentation or appearance.) . An erection is just a bodily process like breathing or yawning or laughing. With practice, we can help degender erections for ourselves, and we can work with our lovers or partners to do that together with them too. The first step could be a conversation about language, or how you feel, and then talking about how you might or might not want to get or use erections when being intimate.

In the other direction, if you don’t want to change how you feel about them, it might be worth looking at a medical pathway to reducing erections, like estrogenizing hormones or a testosterone blocker. Estrogenizing therapy also has a range of other effects [link to article], so it’s worth looking at with a doctor or other trusted health professional too. The broader trans community also has lots of shared knowledge about taking these hormones, knowledge we’ve been gathering for around 100 years now.

If you’re not interested in a medical option, but still don’t want to have or use an erection during sex, that’s okay too. There are lots of places on the body that you can experience pleasure, and experimenting with yourself or a lover can be a fun way to figure out what sorts of sensations and touch you enjoy.

It’s worth noting, if you don’t want erections because they are physically painful, that shouldn’t be happening and is definitely something to talk to a doctor about.

What if I struggle to get erections, but want them?

As we talked about earlier, there are a lot of things that can affect an erection. If you aren’t able to get an erection, it’s worth going through the list of things that can impact them and seeing if any of these have been present in your life lately and could have an impact. Sometimes it can be helpful to have that conversation with a trusted person or health professional, but that can also be a lot to share with someone, so don’t be afraid to start the thinking by yourself.

For example, is there a particular stress or anxiety in your life that might be on your mind at unwelcome moments? Some people are able to block out work, relationship⁠ (relationship: An ongoing interaction or association with another person, place or thing.) or family stress in intimate moments, but others can struggle and this can definitely impact the mood! Also think about if there have been any other body changes recently: have you had a recent injury or surgical procedure, are your hormones doing something new or different to usual, or have you recently had alcohol, or taken any drugs or medications (prescription or otherwise)? Are any of these variables things you can remove or control for, or at least know are there? (Always check with a doctor before stopping prescription medication.)

If you’re addressing the source of what’s going on but still have trouble, there are also mechanical and medical supports that can help maintain erections like rings or pumps that physically keep all the blood in an erection, or medication that does the same thing at a physiological level. Because of the potential for harm or negative interactions with other body systems, these are all things to engage the support of a trusted health professional with before you try them.

Sometimes with even your best efforts, and support from doctors and lovers, our bodies aren’t able to do all the things we want them to. Setting realistic expectations of our bodies and what we can do with them can reduce pressure, and improve self-acceptance. It may feel at first like a list of things we can’t do, but from there you can then creatively explore what is possible and feels good. All bodies are capable of pleasure!

Maintenance of anatomy⁠ (anatomy: The body, parts of the body, or physical structure of organisms like people, animals or plants.) is another piece of this puzzle. The vessels and membranes used to create and maintain an erection require regular use to stay functional. If you’re not having regular spontaneous erections (for example, due to estrogenizing hormones or because of a medical issue), and want them, it is important to find safe and comfortable ways to create them yourself. You can think about it like putting the cart before the horse: don’t wait until you have the desire, make time and add some stimulation and see if desire finds you! Some people find setting a regular reminder helpful, having a date in the calendar each week, and making time for regular sex or play with a partner⁠ (partner: In a sexual context, a person with whom someone is having some kind of sex. The term “partner” can be used for all kinds of relationships, not just serious ones. “Partner” can also mean the person someone is with in a romantic or familial partnership.) , but it can take a bit more conscious work to do. Erection maintenance is important if you think you might want to have erections in the future, and doesn’t have to be part of sex or masturbation⁠ (masturbation: Ways that people seek out and/or experience sexual pleasure by themselves, without a sexual partner.) either — you don’t need to orgasm to get the benefits of your maintenance work, so you can always stop if it doesn’t feel good!

What if I don’t mind getting erections, but feel pressure to use them for topping/insertive sex?

Those social scripts we mentioned earlier also have a lot to say about how erections can and should be used – specifically, for intercourse or other insertive sex with body parts like mouths, vaginas, or anuses. While this is fun for a lot of people, there are also many people who don’t want to use an erection in this way and find it difficult to communicate that.

The truth is that your erection doesn’t have to mean anything: you can experience an erection and not use it insertively; you can experience an erection and not touch it at all. Many people effectively treat their erection as an erect clitoris⁠ (clitoris: A sexual organ both external and internal on the vulva and inside the pelvis of those often assigned female at birth that is similar to the penis, but serves no other known purpose besides providing sexual pleasure.) , with touch like rubbing, licking, or using a vibrator⁠ (vibrator: A sex toy that, true to its name, provides stimulation by vibrating. They come in every imaginable shape, size, and color, and can be operated by regular batteries, electrical cords, or rechargeable batteries (like a cell phone.)) or other toy. There’s a long history of people touching penises in a range of ways, like those documented in the zine ‘F*cking trans womenexternal link, opens in a new tab’ by Mira Bellwether, and people throughout history with penises have found pleasure, joy and even orgasm without touching them or using them insertively.

It’s not always easy to say this to a lover or partner, especially when things are already a bit steamy, so we want to wrap up this article by talking about how to talk about it!

Having hard conversations

Even for those who’ve shed a lot of the baggage and assumptions about genders, desires and other body parts, a lot of people still have strong feelings about erections. As a result, sometimes the conversations we have about what we want and don’t want can be difficult. Our favourite way to approach a big conversation is to come prepared, but also be open to listening and learning – the reason we’re having these conversations is to build shared understanding.

Before talking, think about what you want from the conversation, what you like and don’t like doing, and the language you want to use (if it’s changed or you’re unsure). For example, it’s okay to just plainly say, “I’ve been thinking about my relationship with my genitals⁠ (genitals: Body parts that are generally, culturally, scientifically or personally considered to be external sexual or reproductive organs.) /erections and what we do with them during sex, could we talk about it together?” It can be helpful to name the feelings you’re having while talking too: “I’m feeling worried about X…I’d really like Y… Could we try changing Z… - would you be up for talking about some of these in more detail?”

It’s okay to feel awkward, or like you didn’t perfectly name what you’re feeling or want either – the goal isn’t to get good grades in conversation, but to get better at it each time. If you ask for what you want, you just might get it!

Some people find it helpful to talk directly about desire too – one of the scripts associated with erections is that they occur because we’re hot for someone. This can lead to the assumption that if they don’t occur, or we don’t want to touch or use them, our desire isn’t there. However, you can be really into someone *and* not have or want to use an erection. Sharing your desire out loud can help settle insecurities, and start on the path to finding other ways of having sex you enjoy. Emily Nagoski says, ‘Pleasure is the measureexternal link, opens in a new tab’, so refocusing on what feels good can help guide conversations.

It can also be a good idea to find the right moments for these conversations: in our experience, this kind of chat is best had while sober, awake and alert (eg. not pre-coffee in the morning or after a big night out), and not immediately before, after or during having sex. Maybe go for a walk and talk, to help your nervous system⁠ (nervous system: The system of cells, tissues and organs that regulate our body’s responses to internal and external stimuli.) keep calm.

Wrapping it up

Like good safer sex⁠ (safer sex: Practices which aim to reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections, such as use of latex/nonlatex barriers, regular testing for infections and limiting the number of sexual partners.) , it’s time to wrap it up, folks. Hopefully, this article has made hard-ons a little less hard-to-understand, and started you reflecting on how you relate to erections. With some more info on how erections work, physically and culturally, you’re more prepared for finding pleasure with your own erections or others!