Growing up autistic, with inadequate emotional support from the adults around me, I had to learn certain things in life the hard way. One of those things has been romance.
I recognized other kids as attractive and felt shy around them, but I didn’t know what others expected me to do with those feelings. In middle school, I remember being scolded by a girl in my cohort on BlackBerry messenger for “showing interest” in her boyfriend. (By “showing interest,” she meant foolishly confessing that I had a crush on him to the school magazine club, by the way. At that point in life, I had no idea how to approach people romantically. I apologized to her.)
For the duration of this article, when I talk about romance, I mean a strong feeling of wanting to be emotionally and physically close to someone because their presence is enjoyable, including while in a committed relationship with them. But as a teenager, I understood romance very differently. I was socialized with the idea that someone I found kind and physically attractive was a crush, and I had to get close to them through both healthy means (like chatting with them regularly) and unhealthy ones (like stalking them or “playing hard to get”) so they would be attracted to me too. After some time had passed, I understood I should confess my feelings to them, and then we could start dating if they returned my feelings. People said that being in a romantic relationship was like being best friends but “more intense,” whatever that meant. You were supposed to put them over everyone else in your life. If you hung out with your friends more often than with your partner, then you probably were not loyal.
But deep down, I doubted what I’d learned about romance—not only because it still didn’t make sense to me, but also because I didn’t feel that I needed to be in a romantic relationship.
A few years after the middle school situation, I developed what I would best describe as an autistic special interestexternal link, opens in a new tab in one of my upperclassmen in university. I even had a chance to work with them for a campus event. Like the guy from middle school, I never flirted with the upperclassman at all, but a classmate asked if I had a crush on them because I planned on giving them some snacks as a token of gratitude after the event. From these interactions, I learned that many people clearly believe there are certain rules and expectations surrounding romance that you have to obey. If I didn’t obey them, I risked being ostracized even further—something I already experienced as someone who acted and talked in ways considered weird by my peers.
Once I learned about aromanticism and discovered that I am aromantic, I realized that these often-assumed norms have been around me all this time; normalized, even. Local coffee chains center their branding on romance and heartbreak, marketing their beverages as a cure for breakups. People make memes about what it’s like to be single (and alone, which they suggest is miserable) versus having a lover—and better still, a spouse—by your side (which they suggest is better, happier, and richer). At the same time, fewer Indonesians are getting married compared to a decade agoexternal link, opens in a new tab—a “concerning” issue according to our Minister of Religious Affairs.
Romance is everywhere. Many of us, myself included, were raised by two married people in—or assumed to be in, anyway—a romantic relationship. As we grow up, we are expected to form crushes, date, and spend our lives searching for “the one.” Media portrays romance as a happy ending for the protagonists we root for, regardless of the quality of their relationships.
With all of these things considered, there definitely exists an assumption that romantic relationships are extremely important, even more so than other relationships. Let’s take a look at what this assumption is all about.
What is amatonormativity?
Scholar Elizabeth Brake coined the term “amatonormativityexternal link, opens in a new tab” to describe the common belief that romantic relationships (particularly when they are heterosexual, heteroromantic, and monogamous) are a universally shared ideal. Because of that belief, many people think these types of relationships should be prioritized above other forms of relationships, including platonic or queerplatonic friendships and polyamorous relationships.
Amatonormativity can show up in many ways. We may assume that two people who seem physically and/or verbally close to each other, especially if they are perceived as a boy/man and a girl/woman, are in a romantic relationship, or if they aren’t, that they will be, sooner or later.
It’s also in the words we use when discussing romance, dating, and marriage (which, again, popular culture often suggests is a romantic goal and ideal), like saying someone is “still single,” “doesn’t have a partner yet,” “unmarried,” or that they are “more than just friends” with another person. These terms imply that everyone’s interpersonal life follows a linear narrative: single, dating, engagement, and marriage that ideally lasts for the rest of your life. Other forms of amatonormativity we may be familiar with are:
- Encouraging guests to take a “plus-one,” usually defined as a romantic partner, to a wedding or other formal event
- Assuming every attraction someone feels towards another person is romantic
- Assuming that cisgender, heterosexual people can’t be “just” friends with each other
- Thinking that having a romantic partner is the only solution to loneliness, sadness, boredom, financial crisis, or a lack of self-esteem
On a larger, cultural scale, amatonormativity exists in the things we consume and the things we get, or not get, to do. So much of the media we enjoy, such as books, movies, video games, and music, center on romance. The stories they tell may be positive, like having a crush and expressing your love, or negative, like heartbreaks and unhealthy relationship patterns. In general, these portrayals share the same message: everyone needs and wants romance. Romantic relationships are typically seen as a sign of personal success and emotional maturity, and celebrated as a result. We often congratulate others when they start dating someone. And once someone is in a romantic relationship, they are expected to prioritize their partner above everyone else and fulfill all of their partner’s needs and wants.
How can amatonormativity affect us?
By assuming that a romantic relationship is the default and superior kind of relationship, amatonormativity leaves little room for other forms of relationships.
It’s not uncommon for young people who are single to feel like they’re being ignored by their friends who have a romantic partner. The same also happens to married folks, whether in romantic relationships or not, who feel like they’ve lost touch with their single friends after this major change in their own lives, feeling pressured to focus on their partner (and children, if that’s part of their picture) instead. Encouraging people to prioritize their romantic relationships and pay less attention to their friends stops them from building and sustaining a larger community, which is especially needed during these socially, politically, and economically turbulent times. Platonic friends can be just as supportive and understanding as romantic partners. All over the world, from the Māori peopleexternal link, opens in a new tab to the Diné peopleexternal link, opens in a new tab, people rely on their family, friends, neighbors, and community at large to take care of their children, prepare meals, clean, and more.
Amatonormativity also puts pressure on single people to get into a romantic relationship. Sometimes, that pressure makes people feel like they need to stay in a bad situation, especially when popular culture normalizes abusive behavior, like stalking or lovebombing, as romantic. As a result, they are more vulnerable to abuse and more likely to end up in unhappy, unsatisfying, or even outright harmful relationships.
Further, amatonormativity affects people of all identities, and especially those who are marginalized. For example, aromantic people who do not experience romantic attraction, or who do not have interest in romantic relationships, often have their experiences dismissed or insulted. They may especially feel lonely if no one around them is supportive of their aromantic identity, which adds to the isolation and othering most marginalized people already feel. The minimal representation aromantic people have in media doesn’t help; while characters that are canonically aromanticexternal link, opens in a new tab exist and are starting to be recognized in anglophone media, the same cannot be said about most media in other languages. Neurodivergent people, such as those on the autism spectrum (as shared in this article by Lisa Laman), can also face amatonormativity-based discrimination with how they interpret their romantic attraction (or lack thereof). If they don’t understand or question the basic conventions of romantic relationships, they can be made fun of, ostracized, or labeled as immature.
Challenging amatonormativity, one step at a time
Amatonormativity is everywhere. It’ll be a long journey before our cultures transform this limited way of viewing intimate relationships. Fortunately, we can challenge this harmful norm.
Once you know what amatonormativity is, chances are you’ll spot it in everyday life. Case in point: I often come across social media posts talking about how crappy it is to be single. People who aren’t in romantic relationships often say that they have no one to have deep talks, go watch movies, or eat with, and that loneliness upsets them. After learning about amatonormativity and discovering my aromantic identity, it’s hard not to notice these talking points have roots in amatonormativity.
You can try reflecting on your experiences related to amatonormativity. What did your parents, school, and/or religious groups teach you about romance? What are the assumptions you have or have had about romantic love? Have you heard a conversation or talked directly to others about their romantic relationships—if so, what was it about and what did you learn from it? You can check out this workbook on challenging amatonormativity by AUREA (Aromantic-Spectrum Union for Recognition, Education, and Advocacy)external link, opens in a new tab, an advocacy and educational organization focusing on the aromantic spectrum.
You can be mindful of your language. Without even realizing it, you might unconsciously use words or terms that uphold amatonormativity. For example, instead of saying someone is “still single,” try describing them without the status of their romantic relationship at all. When talking to others about their attraction, ask them to describe what they want to do with the person they’re attracted to, or if they want to act on it at all, rather than assuming that they have a crush. I find it helpful to simply not ask my friends, classmates, coworkers, family members, and others whether they’re in a romantic relationship or not. Curiosity can sometimes get the best of us, especially if you’re close to the person you’re talking to.
Aside from this article, you can learn more about amatonormativity and aromanticism from other sources, ideally those created by other aromantic people. The book I mentioned in the beginning of this article serves as an introduction to amatonormativity from an academic point-of-view, but there are other resources that you can check out, like the ones listed below:
- Hopelessly Aromantic: An Affirmative Guide to Aromanticismexternal link, opens in a new tabby Sam Rendle
- Sounds Fake But Okay: An Asexual and Aromantic Perspective on Love, Relationships, Sex, and Pretty Much Anything Else byexternal link, opens in a new tab Sarah Costello and Kayla Kaszyca
- Aro Ero Arrows external link, opens in a new tabby Michón Neal, which may be available through your library
- The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project (TAAAP)’s pageexternal link, opens in a new tab, which contains multiple resources about amatonormativity and aromanticism
When it comes to your positive relationships, remember to cherish every one of them, whatever form they take: kinships, friendships, queerplatonic relationships, sexual relationships, romantic connections and other kinds of interpersonal connections. Be thankful for them. Show up when the people you are in them with need help. Make them a priority. Spend quality time with them. Express your feelings for them sincerely and thoughtfully, including the love you may have for them. There are a lot of things we can do to maintain the array of wanted relationships in our lives. If you’re on the aromantic spectrum (or you think you might be) and would love to meet fellow aromantic people, online spaces can be the answer. You can always visit the message boards at Scarleteen to find other aromantic people. AUREAexternal link, opens in a new tab and TAAAPexternal link, opens in a new tab’s pages can also be your starting point in finding a supportive aro/aspec (aromantic and asexual spectrum) community. Remember, we are stronger in numbers, and community support plays a huge role in our perdsonal and collective wellbeing.
