Hi! So I, 18, have a friends with benefits situation going on with one of my best friends, a trans woman. Neither of us want to be in a relationship with the other, we are just exploring our sexuality in a safe environment.
Now, with some of my other best friends, they are really grossed out when I try to talk about sex. They talk about their fantasies and dreams without problems, but they only find it weird if I talk about it. They don’t do it to our other friends who are in relationships either, only to me. It’s fine if they just don’t want to talk about it, but they also made incredibly judgy comments after I stayed over at my FWB’s house after a hangout. Sometimes they’re a little hypocritical even. They say that they don’t like it if we “use friend group activities to have sex later,” yet at the last hangout, one of them left for two hours in the middle to meet with some guy. It’s also not like we are using the hangouts just to sleep with each other. I just sleep over after because I don’t wanna drive all the way home at 1 in the morning and if we feel like it we have sex. That’s all.
I feel like there’s this distance starting to grow between us and it really hurts. I am not doing anything wrong or hurting anyone, but they still make me feel like I am in the wrong and that I have to keep explaining things.
I don’t know what to do because they’ve been making me feel at home since forever, but now I have to watch what I say so they don’t judge me. I have another best friend and my FWB, of course, who I can talk to about anything without ever being judged, so I am not like totally alone. But I still don’t wanna lose the other two because we’ve been through so much already.
Is there anything I can do??
Minnie! Congratulations on your friends with benefits set up! It seems like a healthy and fun dynamic. I am sad that your friends are not able to rejoice and make space for the beauty it sounds like this relationship is bringing to your life! They are missing out on the warm fuzzy feeling of happiness for a friend.
Since these friends mean a lot to you, I think that a conversation is in order. Our relationships, whether they are platonic or romantic or professional or anything in between, are defined by the people inside them. Many people assume that relationship dynamics are the same from friend to friend. The reality is that your needs with each relationship depend on the uniqueness of each person and each relationship. It is made extra clear that friendship is due for some boundary setting when people do not treat you with the care you would expect from them. That being said, you do not need to wait for things to go wrong to have heart-to-hearts about your friendships.
A challenging part of this situation is that we are not just talking about a unique relationship between you and one other person. A group dynamic is hard to navigate! Each person carries their own internal expectations about friendship, their own values, and insecurities, and so while a group can sometimes feel like one collective opinion, it rarely is. Considering that, you might want to start with one-on-one conversations. This could help reduce the shaming quality of their judgment towards you and your FWB, and would allow you to engage differently with each person. I would consider which friend is the most receptive to talking about hurt feelings and approach them first. Ideally, the two of you can have a healthy back and forth. If things go well, you could even ask them to prime the second friend in the group about the conversation for extra support.
I would suggest that you start by reflecting on the general things that you value in your friendships. The formula could be “I value ____ in a friendship because it makes me feel ____ with my friends.”
It sounds like sharing about romance and sex is one of your values because it makes you feel engaged with your friends. I wonder if your friends share the same value. Since they are talking about their sexual experiences, I get the sense that they appreciate the same thing. If you’re on the same page about that, something else must be standing in the place of your friendship. Maybe you value non-judgmental listening in a friendship because it makes you feel accepted. If your friends have not realized that they are behaving judgmentally, bringing this up could help them understand the impact this dynamic is having on you.
I hope and dream for the best case scenario here, but it’s good to think through what it means to you if things go poorly. This could mean identifying a feeling that you want to avoid in the conflict. I know in my meaningful relationships of all kinds, when I am addressing an issue about listening, it matters to me that I feel heard during the conversation. It could mean identifying a behavior you will not engage with, such as yelling, sarcasm, or the silent treatment. These standards are entirely personal. Think about what matters most to you!
Hopefully, a negative situation will not come to pass. But, it takes a lot of maturity for a friend to hear that they hurt your feelings and not become defensive. The best advice I have to avoid that experience is to outline your good feelings about the friendship before you start hashing out the tough stuff. It can help remind you and the person you’re talking to that the reason you are having the hard conversation in the first place is that you want things to work out. You are not there to dig the hurt hole deeper. You are there to repair and find common ground again.
It can take a lot of effort to change the way friends engage with us. As the person being excluded, it is fair to want your friends to put in the work to include you. If you make a bid with them to be more accepting of your experiences, but they do not make any effort to change, it might be time to put some distance between you and these friends. You mentioned that you do not want to lose these friends and I relate to that.
Building friendships takes time and energy and it is not easy to turn away from the connections you have. So, let’s hope your request sinks in for them easily, and assume that they were unaware of their homophobia and transphobia before you brought up the hypocritical situation. Occasionally, friends who do not share our identities can use some guidance on how to listen and honor those parts of us that they do not embody. While they are learning, at the bare minimum, you can expect to feel heard and respected. If you don’t feel that way, you have a right to mention it and ask for something to change.
