I (17-year-old trans bi dude) have a straight cis friend, who comes across as very off-putting when it comes to queer issues. He’s said that he’s turned a lesbian “straight,” though she never disclosed her identity to him. He’s directly flirted with me (even though he’s made it clear he is not interested in me, when I’ve brought it up, so it’s very confusing), making innuendos often at my expense, which I expressed my discomfort over (and still has not really stopped). He’s said that most of his friends are queer or women, but I’m starting to think he is mistreating me and them. He outed (TWO!) other friends to me who were not ready. He once said that, “Your kind are beautiful,” which also felt sort of strange to me. He’s shared queer media with me, which I would’ve been fine with, even supportive of as an educational resource to an ally, but a lot of the films were mostly explicit content, and considering his other behavior towards me, and his other friends it didn’t settle right in my gut. I often feel that I am more of a token, or an accessory to him to make him seem “cooler” for having queer friends. I want to believe that is just me being silly; that he really does care about queer issues, but just misguided, but I don’t know how to emotionally invest in a friendship I don’t feel safe or valued in.
Hi Bee! Thank you for trusting us with this question and sharing what is going on in your life. Friendship can be really hard sometimes, and navigating interactions with people who say one thing and do another can be especially difficult. From what you are describing, it doesn’t sound like your friend is behaving like a very good friend to you or to others in his life right now, and he is behaving inappropriately by outing people and making people feel uncomfortable.
While your main question is about how to invest in the friendship, I also want to offer the perspective that now or in the future, if the investment doesn’t feel worth it, it’s ok to end friendships. Not all friendships are destined to last forever. Sometimes people grow and change, and the friendships we have with them no longer feel healthy or supportive. I was struck by your self-awareness when you said, “I don’t know how to emotionally invest in a friendship I don’t feel safe or valued in.” That’s a really powerful sentence, and I think that is your answer. If you don’t feel safe or valued in a friendship, I don’t think it’s much of a friendship, and I don’t think it’s worth putting more emotional energy into. Sometimes, regardless of your age, it can feel easier to have a bad or mediocre friend than to have no friend, but you don’t need friends who make you feel bad about yourself or uncomfortable.
I’m so sorry that you and your other friends who got outed aren’t being respected by this friend. Everyone deserves to be able to be fully themselves and to have people in their lives who are safe and who validate who they are while respecting their boundaries. From everything you shared in your question, it sounds like this is a pretty complicated friendship where you are putting in a lot of one-sided emotional labor and not being treated very well.
Your question is about how to navigate a friendship where you feel like the token queer friend, and that absolutely sounds like something that is going on. Feeling like an accessory to your friend, or that your identity is giving your buddy “cool” points just by having you around, isn’t a good feeling and isn’t something you need to put up with in any friendship. It sounds like it’s time for some boundaries. Boundaries are important in every kind of relationship, including platonic friendships.
If this friend has pushed past and stepped over boundaries that you have set, like still making innuendos when you have told them it isn’t okay with and by sharing things that make you feel uncomfortable, or outing mutual friends, those are all good reasons to not invest in that friendship. It’s more than reasonable for those to be boundaries that you set because you aren’t okay with those things. Your friend’s actions are showing he isn’t a good ally regardless of if he sees himself as being one. I recommend being honest with your friend about how their actions are making you feel and what doesn’t feel okay, and then setting some boundaries. For example, you can say that you are happy to share videos and other media or have them shared with you, but you aren’t comfortable being sent anything sexually explicit and are asking them not to do that anymore with you.
Being really clear about what is and isn’t okay for you, and where you are drawing lines, might help your friend realize that what they have been doing is inappropriate and help them to change their behavior. Those boundaries also make it easier for you to quickly remind your friend if they are crossing the line again, like by saying. “Remember, I asked you not to send me sexual media.”
If their behavior doesn’t change, it’s completely okay to distance yourself from that friendship, and you can let them know that you need to do that because they won’t respect your boundaries. When things like this are happening in a friendship it also can be helpful to talk to a supportive adult, a parent, counselor, or teacher to get support.
Regardless of the future of this friendship, I would definitely encourage you to spend time investing in friendships you have with other people you do feel valued and seen by, and working on building friendships with other LGBTQ+youth. I wish I could tell you that your friendship with this person was going to get better for sure, but that’s really going to depend on what boundaries you set, and how your friend responds to them. No matter what, please hear that you deserve to feel safe and respected in all of your friendships.
