Sex is complex. We are each a unique constellation of layers and intersections of identities, experiences, cultures, preferences, bodies, brains and more that we bring to our sex lives. Sex also asks us to be vulnerable! Vulnerability offers beautiful potentialexternal link, opens in a new tab for deep connection, pleasure and joy. A leap into the vulnerable and unknown during sex can also be really uncomfortable and provoke all sorts of upsetting emotions—anxiety, shame, sadness, anger, fearfulness and more. It is incredibly common to find sexual experiences tough and overwhelming—even in sex we very much want with a trusted, caring partner.
One strategy that can be useful is to create an emotional safety plan. An emotional safety planexternal link, opens in a new tab is an individualized plan of action compiled of tools, resources and thought-out responses to potential scenarios to prepare and manage emotional situations safely and in line with personal goals. An emotional safety plan can contain helpful coping strategies, favorite self-care practices, a list of trusted loved ones, pets and emergency numbers. You have total agency over what you want to include: this is a unique plan made expressly for and by you. Your present self gets to decide ahead of time how to support and guide your future self through stormy seas.
When might I need a safety plan?
There are a few scenarios where you might consider making a safety plan for sexual experiences. One is if you experience emotional activation surrounding sex. Emotional activationexternal link, opens in a new tab is when emotions are caused by a present situation but aren’t necessarily connected to past traumatic experiences. Emotional activation can occur before, during or after a sexual experience. While sometimes sexual experiences can activate joy, excitement or connective feelings, other times negative or distressing emotions can come up. Sometimes negative emotions arise during sex because something in the moment makes us feel weird or uncomfortable, or other unrelated stress is happening in our lives. Feelings are intense, but the brain is still operating in the present. This means the “thinking” part—the prefrontal cortex—is active and calling the shots.
The second is if you have ever experienced emotional flooding. Emotional flooding is when intense emotions push past our ability to copeexternal link, opens in a new tab, causing our brains to feel threatened and shut off the “thinking” prefrontal cortex. This means we can’t process informationexternal link, opens in a new tab as well as we usually do. Having past traumatic experiences can make emotional flooding more likely, but it can also happen to anyone during a highly distressing situation or conflict.
Our brains are smartly designed with an emergency alarm mechanism called the limbic system. When we sense a threat to our safety, this part of the brain jumps into action. The limbic system quickly chooses one of the Four Fsexternal link, opens in a new tab—fight, flight, freeze or fawn—to try to get us through the dangerous situation safely. The fight response looks like fighting back or confronting the threat. Flight refers to trying to physically escape the threat. A freeze response shuts down the body’s ability to act, move or speak. Fawning means attempting to please, appease or otherwise soothe the threat. These “Four F’s” responses are survival mechanismsexternal link, opens in a new tab that occur automatically and are NOT choices we make. Think of it like how hitting your kneecap a certain way causes an involuntary kick. This is an amazing protective function of our brains when we are in danger!
When misplaced, a trauma response can cause great distress. Experiencing a trauma-related stress event is a third type of scenario that may benefit from an emotional safety plan. In the wake of a traumatic experience, a stimulusexternal link, opens in a new tab (a sound, smell, emotion, sensation, image, incident, etc.) can create a trauma-related stress event, telling the brain that the past threatening situation is happening RIGHT NOW, even though it isn’t. This is often, but not always, because the stimulus is associated with that past traumatic experience. The limbic system enacts one of the “Four F’s” responses as protection—even if a person rationally knows they are safe in the present. This usually happens because past traumatic experiences have confused some of the brain’s sensory pathways. This can be incredibly stressful, disorienting or scary, especially when we already feel vulnerable during sexual experiences.
Past trauma can also make it really hard to create a sense of safety, even with a trusted partner or during solo masturbation. Sometimes physical touch, any sexual sensation in the body, or just the thought of touch or sex can be completely overwhelming. When we feel out of control or behave in unexpected ways that don’t align with what we know about ourselves, it can cause even more distress. Thoughts can pop up like Why am I doing this or behaving this way? Why do I feel scared? Why can’t I speak or move? If any of that resonates with you, you are definitely not alone.
This is an offering on how to make an emotional safety plan for sexual experiences. Knowing how to (and a mental health clinician can offer professional support and guidance) can be great information to help you best make choices for yourself. However, it is not necessary to know exactly what’s going on in your brain to recognize when you need to take time to support and care for yourself.
As a gentle reminder: You are the expert of your body and your needs for comfort and support. This outline is meant as a guide to building your own toolbox to bring to sensitive situations requiring gentleness and care. Borrow what you like, leave what you don’t. Please take your time and be kind to yourself. Just thinking about these types of situations can be overwhelming and anxiety-producing. If at any point you start to feel like it’s too much to think about—you can always stop and come back to it when you feel ready.
Creating the safety plan
One first decision for your safety plan is how you want to format it. There are many templatesexternal link, opens in a new tab (I’ve provided some examples at the end), or you may want to freestyle. You could make a note on your phone, write ideas in a journal, create a zine, make bullet-point lists—whatever feels right. Another tip is to use I-statements: writing your plan in the first person. For example, “I will call [insert friend] when I am feeling overwhelmed and need someone to talk to.” Writing in I-statements can help make the plan feel more personal and actionable in the moment. It can also be nice to put together a kit of relevant items that go with your plan. Do you have a comforting playlist? Do you have a favorite blanket, candle, fidget toy, game or other comfort item you want to keep on hand? Do you have any relevant medications where you can access them easily? What you need will likely evolve as you learn and grow. Nothing needs to be set in stone—your safety plan is yours to design and redesign.
When it comes to crafting your safety plan, it’s okay to start simple. Try starting with a short checklist of the easiest actions to take when you feel overwhelmed. It could look like a list of the first questions to ask yourself: Do I need to drink water? Do I want to be held by my partner or left alone? Do I need to change into different clothes? Wash my face? Hug a pillow and cry for a bit? Am I hungry? Exhausted and need to rest?
When you’re ready, the next step is to pay attention to and identify your emotions without judgment. As hard as it is, see if you can notice what causes emotions to arise and suss out any patterns or similarities across these experiences. If it feels doable, try listing any situations, environments, sounds, smells, sexual acts (and anything else) that may contribute to or create distress.
There are many variations of feelings wheelsexternal link, opens in a new tab that you could include in your safety plan to help you get specific about what it is you’re feeling. It may feel good to practice naming your emotions on a regular basis and make note (in your safety plan and just in general) of what brings you positive emotions, too. Paying attention to what brings us happinessexternal link, opens in a new tab, makes us feel strong, calm or giddy with joy is just as important to our well-being as pinpointing what makes us feel hurt, scared, anxious and lonely.
Then, consider and write down what actions and boundariesexternal link, opens in a new tab—what you decide is right or not right for you—you think are or might be needed to limit or avoid unwanted and distressing situations. Whatever you discover about your emotions and boundaries, try writing them as I-statements with If/Then formatting. You can start with “The situations that may cause me distress or difficult emotions are: [list situations]” and follow with “I can choose to [action step], to limit my distress or avoid that situation.” Another example would be to start a few sentences with “My boundaries are: [your specific boundaries]” and follow with “I plan to [chosen action] to honor this boundary.”
If you do have a partner or partners, you may want to include them in your safety plan process—especially when it involves them! That could look like making the safety plan on your own and then discussing certain parts with them. You could also collaborate on crafting the plan, talk through possible scenarios and make specific requests. Reflecting on past experiences together can inform how you want to navigate situations in the future. Some examples of questions to discuss with a partner are: What types of touch, affection or sexual experiences feel safe to me? What types of touch, affection or sexual experiences am I interested in exploring and what I am NOT interested in exploring right now? What does support look like when I get emotionally activated or distressed? How do I communicate (including body language) when I’m starting to feel emotionally activated? How and when do we want to check in with each other about how we are feeling during touch or sex? Would it be helpful to slow down the pace of sexual experiences? If so, how do we want to do that? It may feel awkward to talk about, but for many, discussing ahead of time what you like and don’t like, want and don’t want (or think you might like or not, or want or not) feels empowering and makes sexual experiences more enjoyable for everyone. For your safety plan, it may be helpful to write out some of the questions and answers you come up with.
When emotional activation or trauma-related stress happens, sex may need to stop altogether. That’s always a valid option. Choosing to hit pause on sexual activity and do something else can help us stay within a manageable range of emotion. Try making a list of comforting activities you can do after sexual activity stops using I-statements and an If/Then format. For example, “If I feel [negative emotion] during sex, then I will communicate that I need to stop and do [replacement activity(ies)] to soothe myself.” Activities could be anything that sounds supportive and calming—like getting dressed, or making a cup of tea, watching a funny video, going for a walk, playing a video game. Consider if it would feel better to do these activities on your own or with a partner. Some find that after emotional activation, sex, kissing or any type of touch is off the table for a while. Others find non-sexual physical intimacy soothing, such as being held or having their hair stroked. Pondering and making note of preferences ahead of time can build confidence for you and your partner to support each other in a tough moment.
You may like to include a list of easy grounding techniquesexternal link, opens in a new tab in your safety plan. These methods bring our attention to our present surroundings to calm us when emotions start to rise, help prevent emotional flooding, and support bringing us backexternal link, opens in a new tab if we do hit overwhelm. For your safety plan, you could write a simple list of practices that feel good or phrase these as an If/Then I statement such as, “If I start to feel anxious during a sexual experience, then I will use the [chosen grounding technique] to help keep me in the present moment.”
There are many great options on the internet and media platforms, but see if any of these examples speak to you! One popular grounding technique is orienting to where you are in time and spaceexternal link, opens in a new tab. Orienting includes separating from a stressor and looking up, behind and all around you and focusing on the details of what you see. Another way to orient yourself is by activating the senses—list to yourself (or aloud) five things you can see, four you can hear, three you can feel, two you can smell, and one you can taste. If you are someone who experiences trauma-related stress events, some find benefit from repeating a mantra-like phrase such as, “I am safe and in the present.”
Another grounding technique is to try breathing in a pattern of counts. A pattern of 4-7-8external link, opens in a new tab, for example, involves a count of four while you inhale, holding for seven counts, and an exhalation for eight, repeated four times. If that doesn’t feel accessible, you can always count for shorter spans or even just focus on the breath going in and out. Another method that some find supportive is called bilateral stimulationexternal link, opens in a new tab, engaging sensations on both sides of the body. This can look like alternating squeezing something in each hand or the toes on each foot, a butterfly hug (crossing your arms over your chest and alternating taps on your shoulders), or even throwing a ball back and forth between your hands or walking.
Lastly, many find it helpful for a safety plan to include a list naming the folks we most trust, love and feel supported by (including a therapist if you see one and beloved pets!) and of emergency contacts and resources. Who do you want to call when you feel fearful or overwhelmed? Is it different from who you go to when you need cheering up? Who (or what crisis line) might you need to call in an emergency situation?
Whether or not you develop a safety plan, if you or someone you know is experiencing a life-threatening emergency, you should always call 911. If you or someone you know is experiencing any type of mental health crisis, you can call, text or chat 988 for a 24/7 crisis lifeline. If you feel like you need additional support regarding sexual trauma, mental health or anything else, there are professionals that can help you.
We all need support and gentleness from ourselves and others along the way. Your safety plan is one of many resources to stow with you as you navigate the vulnerable experiences of sex and relationships. You can think of it as a guide, an ongoing practice, or just a starting point. However you map out your emotional safety plan, it’s there for you, by you, if or when you need it.
