Dating: It’s an experience which can be as frightening as it is fun. We all go through those first date nerves, and even a night out with an established partner might cause those pleasant butterflies in your stomach. But when you live with a mobility disability, dating can sometimes be more complicated than it should be.
Unfortunately, there are many barriers that others in the dating game simply may not experience. These might come in the form of inaccessible venues for dates, or it might be that a disability causes pain and fatigue that make going out feel impossible. It can be difficult to make plans when living with a mobility disability leaves life sometimes feeling uncertain and stressful.
There are other hurdles to get over too, which might come from the people you meet along the way in your dating journey. Despite the fact that it simply isn’t true, some people continue to believe that disabled people can’t (or shouldn’t) go on dates, or that they aren’t capable of being in relationships. It can be really hard to encounter this kind of attitude, and it can feel discouraging. It isn’t uncommon to encounter disablism in public, wherever you happen to be, whether your disability is visible or not, from potential dating partners or people who want to judge your relationship. It might occur on public transport, on the street, coming from waitstaff or cashiers: unfortunately, it could be a factor at any point in your dating experience. The best way to handle this, as with any kind of disablism that you may be confronted with, is to remember that it is not a reflection on you, but on the person who has chosen to react in a rude or confrontational way. If you experience a rejection based on your disability it can feel incredibly hurtful and unfair, but in the long term you will be much happier meeting and spending time with people who are accepting of you, your reality and your needs.
The truth is: disabled people do date. It is entirely possible to go out, meet new people and have new experiences while living with a mobility disability. You might just need to do things your way—and there is nothing wrong with that! There are also, fortunately, a range of places where you can find that opportunity to meet someone. Online dating can be a great option for those with mobility disabilities, as you can access it from home, and of course filter for the kind of experiences you might be interested in. Consider checking out this article on apps and online dating for more info! When it comes to finding dates offline, it is a great idea to try engaging with local groups or hobbies that interest you. Finding fun, accessible places to hang out with new people who share your passions is an ideal way to build connections which might have romantic potential.
How to talk it out
Communication is an important part of a positive dating experience for everyone. Everybody has likes and dislikes, and you should never feel bad for asserting your needs or stating a preference. That includes disabled people. At the beginning of any new relationship, however it may turn out, there’s an opportunity to learn things about each other: you are not the only one with needs.
While some of us may try to minimize the more uncomfortable parts of our disabilities to try and be more palatable to the outside world, this can often backfire on us and our loved ones. If your date doesn’t know that you live with chronic pain, mobility restrictions, or fatigue, they may suggest activities which are unsuitable for you. This might ultimately prevent both of you from enjoying your experience as much as you would have done had you been honest about your needs.
You should never feel under obligation to divulge your entire medical history to your date! That information is often private and personal, and you may want to wait a while before you feel comfortable explaining everything. Think about what you need and how to make those asks. Some people just don’t know a lot about life with a disability. You may need to be prepared to explain some things that seem second nature to you. Things like mobility aids, essential medications, and symptom management are good things to consider mentioning. Consider how willing you are to answer questions about your disability and experience, so you can be prepared to communicate about anything that might make you uncomfortable.
For example, you could say…
- I live with a condition which can make me feel fatigued, so I would prefer an activity that we can sit down for.
- My health can vary from one day to the next, can we plan a back-up date activity in case I don’t feel up for this?
- As I use a wheelchair, I’d love to suggest this place which I know is very accessible.
- My service dog is part of my essential medical equipment and will be coming with me, please ignore him/her. (Scarleteen has tips on dating with a service dog!)
Simply asserting your needs clearly and confidently is enough to set yourself up for a successful date. And anyone who doesn’t respect those needs just isn’t worth your time. Most of the time people are quick to show their true colours!
Accessible affairs: How do you make it work for you?
One of the most obvious boundaries to dating with a mobility disability is accessibility—or rather, the inaccessibility of the outside world. Unfortunately, many venues aren’t clear about their accessibility features, leaving potential customers wondering if they’ll be able to enter and get around. And there’s truly nothing worse than turning up, expecting to have a great time, only to find that you can’t even get into the building.
While planning your date, consider what your access needs might be: for example, will you need a wheelchair ramp, or access to disabled toilets? If you plan to go to a restaurant, do you need an allergy-friendly menu? Can you manage a few steps, or do you need the building to be all on one level? Is the wheelchair seating at the theatre behind a pillar or wall that obscures the view? It might help to note down a list of your needs.
I would recommend calling a venue in advance and speaking to someone who can answer your questions or find someone else who can. Online reviews from other customers can also be a great source of honest accessibility information, and even a search on a street view map can tell you a lot about steps, ramps, and access to a building. If you don’t feel comfortable making a phone call, see if you can send an email instead.
If you get a clear answer to your questions, you can plan accordingly. But if you don’t, then it may be time to think about choosing a different location for your outing—your comfort, safety and welfare should be a priority for both you and your date, not just an afterthought.
Don’t be afraid to take up the space that you need while you’re on a date, too. If you use mobility aids for your disability, they’re a really important part of your life and experience, and should be treated with respect. You should never feel pressure to leave your aids at home just because that might make life easier for somebody else! A mobility aid is not an inconvenience: it’s something that allows you to navigate the world as you need to.
Dates for disabled people?! Revolutionary!!
If you’re planning to go out together, and you or your date live with a mobility disability, you may not know exactly where to start. Some of the traditional dating staples—like the movie theatre or a fancy candlelit restaurant—may just not feel right for your needs. Instead, it might be worth exploring date ideas that are perhaps a little bit more casual, but no less fun! A picnic can be a great option: you can select your own foods, and find a spot that works perfectly for you both. If you or your date happen to be wheelchair users, a little bit of research online might help you find a park bench that incorporates wheelchair access, or a spot with accessible parking nearby. This can also apply to drive-in movies, which may be a more accessible and less stressful option than the theatre, allowing you more space and comfort. Meanwhile, for a date that will definitely give you something to talk about, a museum, art gallery or aquarium could be a great option. These venues often support great accessibility policies and make an effort to be inclusive—but, of course, it’s always a good idea to check their websites for further information.
It should go without saying that, in a long-term relationship, a date at home can genuinely be the height of romance. Seriously. Even if you’re unable to leave your bed, quality time with your partner while playing a board game, watching a favourite show, or crafting together is a truly valid expression of your relationship. Who doesn’t love a nap date?! There are so many things that you can do at home, or even over a video call. It might be a good idea to compile a list of dates at home alongside your partner so that when the time comes and you want to do a fun and cozy activity together, you can simply pick something from the list and get started straight away.
While there’s a lot to be said for planning ahead, and while it can feel like the safest option most of the time, there’s a lot to be said about the power of spontaneity. As much as having a mobility disability can make life quite unpredictable enough, it’s natural to feel like you might be missing out on the big romantic gestures and surprises. If you do miss that in your dating life, there are ways to bring it back! Your date may not always be able to whisk you away for a surprise week away in Paris, but there are other ways to express spontaneity. If there’s an accessible restaurant or bar you’ve visited before, you can drop in on a whim for a last-minute Friday date night. For a more simple way to spend spontaneous time together, it can even just be fun to pop out to the shops and run some errands together. When you live with pain and fatigue, it sometimes pays off to take advantage of the moments when you feel at your best—if your date understands your needs, can accommodate you and be flexible, then you can enjoy your good days to the maximum.
Playing it safe
Wherever you choose to go and whatever you like to do, there is absolutely always a way to make dating work when you have a mobility disability. That being said, it is important to remember that the fundamentals of dating still apply, even if your experience is slightly different from the norm. It’s really important to take your physical safety into account when meeting someone for the first time: Always make sure that a friend or family member knows where you are, and with whom. There are little things that you can do to help yourself feel safe in the moment, like meeting in a public setting, and setting up specific times to check in and text a friend. Your date will most likely fully understand and support your desire to be safe, and if they don’t, that’s probably a red flag! When dating as a disabled person it is also worth being aware that you may encounter people who are only interested in fetishising your body. An awareness that these devotees are out there is worth having—you can check out an article on the subject of devotees and disability here!
And don’t forget that your emotional wellbeing also matters. It can be intimidating to put yourself out there, to meet new people. It can also be complicated to be in a relationship when you’re disabled, as you may find yourself facing restrictions which come from both your own body and the society around you. Try to take good care of your own needs and recognise that you are worthy and deserving of love, just as much as anyone else. Dating should be a fun, exciting experience for everyone, not just able-bodied people: whether you’re looking to find true love or just seeing what’s out there, don’t forget to enjoy it!
